"Shattered Silence" with Tim and Tommy

[00:00:00] That's why I hope with this show that people just spread the word and reach out.

[00:00:08] I know it sucks and I've been there, not as dark but there's always something better that's waiting for you, right?

[00:00:26] Is what I want to put out there.

[00:00:30] Yeah, I had that conversation with someone literally today on the way here who's feeling that same sense of darkness.

[00:00:41] Just that lack of sight you can't see in the dark. It's hard to see in the dark and like he just right now and I don't want to unpack it all but like he just he's in something right now that's so dark he just can't see.

[00:00:59] Music

[00:01:19] Okay, well welcome everyone back to the Quiet Riot show.

[00:01:24] Just tell me a night today solo episode or so not duo duo

[00:01:28] yeah duo episode. I don't know which one this is or whatever

[00:01:33] but episode 26. Oh yeah. Yeah, shit you're on we're we're

[00:01:37] coming up on a year almost really. Yeah, I guess July will be

[00:01:41] one year so holy shit. It's exciting.

[00:01:45] Um, no but didn't we do four episodes in a month that one

[00:01:50] month? Yeah, in November. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, but like, yeah,

[00:01:53] we're almost on it on a year or so. That's that's pretty good

[00:01:56] pretty exciting. Yeah. And an interesting fucking year. Yeah,

[00:02:01] we definitely had some good guests. You know people that

[00:02:06] would imply that we had some shitty guests. No, no, because

[00:02:09] because we didn't well no we talked about is just some

[00:02:13] people are willing to share everything and some can only

[00:02:17] share or want to share, you know, well they only want to

[00:02:20] share what they want to share. They are willing to share.

[00:02:22] Yeah. So and that's okay. That's we're not holding that

[00:02:26] against anyone and but it's been it's been a great year.

[00:02:30] But also when we look at a podcast has been a good

[00:02:35] year but yeah, I've enjoyed it. But for when it comes to

[00:02:39] personal lives like there's been so many up and downs like

[00:02:43] it's a it's a roller coaster, right? Yeah. And I'm hoping that

[00:02:47] steadies out in our second year. Yeah, but I'd love to be a

[00:02:51] seven more often. Yeah, but but I guess that's life, right?

[00:02:55] And the life we choose to live. Yeah. Is is definitely not

[00:03:04] something that just you can coast around well it's

[00:03:06] complicated. Yeah, it becomes complicated. It's complex.

[00:03:09] It's like we have so many different interactions with so

[00:03:12] many different people all the time and like we've got our

[00:03:15] work lives or our businesses and our families and our

[00:03:18] friends and like all of those things like the more of

[00:03:22] those things you have and the more involved in those

[00:03:25] things you are the more likely it is that you're

[00:03:29] going to have speed bumps or hurdles or whatever you want

[00:03:32] to call it and like issues and you know marriage isn't easy

[00:03:36] and being a dad isn't easy and being a business owner

[00:03:41] isn't easy and working for somebody else isn't it?

[00:03:44] Like it's just fucking hard. It's hard being human and

[00:03:47] like I think it's a little bit harder and I think like

[00:03:51] the last number of years have been a little more

[00:03:55] complex and difficult for everybody. I think so.

[00:03:57] I think like the world has changed and I'm not

[00:04:00] going to use the big C word but like there were some

[00:04:03] things that happened in this world that kind of shifted

[00:04:05] how everything operates and I think we're all trying to

[00:04:07] figure out what that looks like and what that's going

[00:04:10] to look like coming out of those those moments and

[00:04:13] those years and I think people are still figuring

[00:04:15] that out on every level with their marriages with

[00:04:18] their relationships like all those things their

[00:04:20] businesses their jobs their fucking everything.

[00:04:23] Yeah, yeah. So it's been an interesting year for

[00:04:27] me for sure and maybe we do like a year in review show

[00:04:31] not this one but like maybe we do one where it's like okay well

[00:04:34] let's talk about the last year. This is what happened.

[00:04:36] We've done some cool shit on this show. We have.

[00:04:38] We interviewed some really interesting people. We've

[00:04:42] built these relationships with people that I never

[00:04:45] knew existed before we started doing this and so

[00:04:47] that's been fun. I enjoyed it. But also just there's

[00:04:51] things that we can control like our marriages our

[00:04:55] businesses our daily lives and then there's some

[00:04:59] shit that happens that we can't control. You control your marriage?

[00:05:03] No, I didn't say it sounded like you said that. I didn't say I control my marriage

[00:05:08] but we can control our marriage right right.

[00:05:10] So like if there's anything that goes wrong in our marriage well

[00:05:16] it's usually either my fault my wife's fault or both of

[00:05:21] ours. So but we control what happens to our marriage

[00:05:25] but there are things like unexpected deaths in our that kind of throw you know

[00:05:33] you're feeling down and then hey you're just starting feeling better.

[00:05:37] Yes, what how about this? Yeah and there's the life just throws you a curve ball right so

[00:05:43] and and and that's it's such an interesting feeling because

[00:05:50] like what's your what do you do right? Like it's like oh shit I'm in the middle of

[00:05:58] creating a new product if you're if you're in that line of business or you're trying to

[00:06:02] meet clients or you're trying to you know just just doing things and now

[00:06:07] you have to put all that on like stop all that. Everything stops.

[00:06:11] And now you got to deal with what actually happens

[00:06:15] and you know like it's something that no one's ever prepared for.

[00:06:21] No and you can't you can't really be and so if we're talking about death specifically

[00:06:28] you can't when that happens you just stop. You have to stop. Exactly.

[00:06:32] And it's hard to stop I have a hard time stopping and then like shit like that can

[00:06:38] happen. It's like fuck okay but like there's this impending sense of stress about all the things that

[00:06:46] are continuing on while I have to stop and like that doesn't help either.

[00:06:51] So it's this weird cycle of like I guess some context so oh we should do a check-in.

[00:06:56] Yeah we'll get into that. We'll get into a deep dive.

[00:07:00] So what number are you and from what time period.

[00:07:14] So let's take from the last episode that just like we released so we had Brandon on and and

[00:07:24] Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon Brandon all the time he hates it.

[00:07:28] That was a excellent episode and it was such a cool story to listen to.

[00:07:39] I thought it was great. I thought he did great like he was all in his head about how he did because

[00:07:44] I see him fairly often and like I was like oh your episode's coming out and then I started

[00:07:49] fucking with him like making him nervous about it and like oh three more days and he's gotten

[00:07:54] his own head but he got in his head about it before that and he's like oh I think it sucked.

[00:07:58] I don't know if I wanted to come out. It was such a good episode and I really enjoyed meeting him

[00:08:03] and and learning about him and there's there are a few things that he kind of like talked about

[00:08:10] and I really really appreciate how how he looks at things now and you know when you're like

[00:08:18] when you hear things and whether it's Brandon or even when we had our listener Keith on you know just

[00:08:25] the little things that like they made them think about like let's say ending their live life you

[00:08:33] know yeah and I've been there and but like hearing their stories was just so much has such impact

[00:08:41] on me that so in the last two weeks I've I knew that I'm gonna have a really really busy schedule

[00:08:50] yeah you didn't sleep this last yeah it was when did I talk to you Thursday I think you were

[00:08:57] under 20 hours yeah 11 hours since between Monday and Thursday after Thursday afternoon I had a

[00:09:03] three two hour two hour nap I had to obviously finally just I'm crashing but despite the fact

[00:09:10] that I was not sleeping exhausted I was really busy busy at my day job and then busy with my

[00:09:16] business in the evening yeah and plus I had other things come up you know and it was despite the

[00:09:23] fact that I didn't get to sleep and I was super busy I felt so good about doing all that work

[00:09:30] that it didn't bring me down mentally so I would say today I am an eight you seem good today

[00:09:37] yeah I mean and I know like even yesterday I had a busy day today is a busy day

[00:09:43] and the next four days will be insane yeah but I'm looking forward to I'm enjoying my time doing that

[00:09:51] and I still find time to spend a little bit of time with my wife just on our own and then

[00:09:58] a little bit of time with the kids as well so when when I take them to their activities I

[00:10:01] spend time with them like just chatting and sort of listening to music we'll talk or if we listen

[00:10:07] to music we literally have a car karaoke and just sing away with you know like just have a good time

[00:10:12] with the kids you know so all those little things give me such boost that I've been doing really

[00:10:19] good well it's lighter stuff yeah like it's not it's not heavy shit like you guys went on a trip

[00:10:24] just for the weekend yeah you like got away as a family and spent all that time together and like

[00:10:32] none of those are heavy things it's busy but it's not heavy yeah and so yeah you had a pretty

[00:10:38] intense week yeah but it was all good things yeah like your business your your business is doing

[00:10:44] is getting better it's doing well yeah well not on not in the books but yeah yeah but you

[00:10:49] don't want that anyway but yeah no I'm happy doing what I'm doing and even though it's

[00:10:57] making me work extra hard yeah it's it's a new something new that I haven't really

[00:11:03] had time to like even experience for long periods so this is this is really nice and I'm

[00:11:09] mentally doing really well and it's interesting because like tax season is always a time to reflect

[00:11:14] on your business because you're like going through everything and looking at the numbers

[00:11:20] and like it's a good opportunity to actually take a pause and like look at where was I a year

[00:11:24] go with this and where am I today that's right and like it's I think you've made some big strides in

[00:11:29] the last 12 months in your business I did I did for sure and and it's again it's really scary to

[00:11:34] when I looked at the numbers in the books and but I know like so I had some significant cause

[00:11:40] that I had to you know incur like any yeah any starting out business um you're probably and

[00:11:48] if you can break even the first year that's a success oh that's great that's a

[00:11:52] so I yeah no you shouldn't but yeah like I'm happy how how things turned out and I know

[00:12:00] all that cost that I had right now I'm not gonna have going for it right so yeah so I think part

[00:12:06] of me is seeing those numbers were shocking but also made I realized right away that oh yeah no

[00:12:14] this is normal this is okay yeah and and and I just kind of maybe maybe I'm lying to myself

[00:12:20] but I just kind of want to look at things like okay now it's just moving up you know like yeah I mean

[00:12:26] that the the capital investments you make at the beginning of a project though you try and limit

[00:12:32] them to as much as you as little as you well yeah you should try and limit them to as what you need

[00:12:39] when you need it yes not that you I don't think that you've like over expended but no no no

[00:12:45] I'm just like I don't like cheeping out because I've done that in my life whether it's come

[00:12:49] let's say renovations like I just I like I can buy the $10 tool I don't need the $25

[00:12:55] tool and the $10 tool breaks and then I end up buying the 20 so I spent $35 to get that right

[00:13:02] so so I always okay I need it let me get it and then yeah I'll be fine yeah so no that makes

[00:13:09] sense that's the way I look at it and obviously if I can get a deal somewhere then great well

[00:13:12] and you've built this beautiful studio that yeah I love it I get to use all the time and I

[00:13:17] fucking love this and you know what this is my work area too I come down here and this is where

[00:13:21] I do my designing stuff and whether it's at the computer desk or here but I can like

[00:13:27] shut myself off from the family like hey I need to go do some work so this is my office yeah

[00:13:32] and it's really nice to just have this but I don't have that at home you should build a studio

[00:13:40] I'll tell you what you need to buy I want to build a room for it like for an office

[00:13:44] but I'm just not there right now but yeah but yeah no so I'm a good eight yeah yeah that's awesome

[00:13:50] yeah how about yourself I think along some of the similar lines as you I've been very very busy

[00:14:01] but most of it has been pretty good okay like it's good stuff it's good and so yeah and so

[00:14:07] I'd say today or if the last I don't know let's call it a week like probably a seven okay that's

[00:14:14] that's very good for you I'd say yeah yeah didn't you tell me or texted me that you know that was

[00:14:19] actually was it you that texted me that you want to be a seven no no that was actually Dan from

[00:14:27] Intergalactic so yeah he was feeling a little bit down we had a little conversation on the

[00:14:33] on a on Instagram chat like that guy no he's such a sweetheart he's a beauty yeah he is so yeah

[00:14:39] so yeah I'd say I'm a seven this week okay good busy seven but a seven nonetheless yeah fantastic

[00:14:46] my daughter's got this project going on at school and it's like she chose to they just got to

[00:14:51] choose whatever they wanted yeah so she chose to like build a project around starting a business

[00:14:57] and I'm like oh fuck okay I gotta do this again and like yeah so then it's just like me and her mom

[00:15:03] like just get into it because we're both business owners and so it's just like oh shit okay she's

[00:15:10] taking this path fuck you poor girl but like but it's also like she's 12 yeah and so she doesn't

[00:15:17] she knows she has this idea she thinks it's this thing yeah but it's like no it's a lot of

[00:15:22] fucking work and like I'm struggling a little bit with like how much work I'm having to do on this

[00:15:28] project yeah okay that's a little bit annoying yeah but but also she's 12 so like that's amazing

[00:15:34] and if no one ever and if no one ever taught me how to do it I wouldn't know how to do it either

[00:15:38] so like I'm happy and grateful for all those things so she's following mom and dad's footsteps

[00:15:43] yeah poor girl yeah but you know what that that's awesome yeah no it's amazing that that

[00:15:50] she actually like you would figure a 12 year old would never pick how to become an entrepreneur

[00:15:58] yeah you know like unless both your parents are entrepreneurs because that's all she knows and

[00:16:03] that's how you became one because that's what I grew up in yeah for sure and she like she's grateful

[00:16:09] to have access to some really successful female entrepreneurs yeah and so she like did some

[00:16:14] interviews with them and like it's been a really cool experience yeah and it's been fun to

[00:16:19] work with her on some of the things like she's building a product line and so we've actually

[00:16:23] like made some things this week and wait to try it right so it's been it's been a cool experience

[00:16:29] it's just like oh fuck okay this is like like you're really busy and now you have like I need to be

[00:16:34] I just need to be a dad now and like help welcome to parenthood you have two of them I know

[00:16:42] I just have one I know people with like three and four it's like how do you have a see my

[00:16:47] kids will never pick like entrepreneurship or stuff I don't I just don't see them no no like my

[00:16:52] daughter so my daughter is going to grade 10 next year and so she went to grade 10

[00:16:58] holy fuck yeah great 10 yeah and then so I looked at the the the courses that she could pick

[00:17:04] and I was like holy shit like they can do graphic design web website building audio

[00:17:09] engineering all this cool stuff yeah holy fuck if we had that in school I had that when I went

[00:17:15] to high school not in Europe yeah and uh you guys are still behind pulling carts behind fucking horses

[00:17:22] and I went I went to like the school system is a little bit different I don't want to dive into too

[00:17:26] too much but like you learn a little bit of everything till grade 12 like it's not like you

[00:17:31] get to pick your courses oh okay just have like this is the curriculum chemistry biology

[00:17:35] everything goes right to grade 12 and then you graduate from like you can narrow it down

[00:17:41] for graduation okay it's way more fun here for sure 100% yeah and so anyway so like I told

[00:17:47] I was like look like I know how to build a website but like I really don't want to be doing that for

[00:17:54] there's a lot more to do it to learn yeah and I just like that's not my focus that's not

[00:17:58] what I want to be doing but I was like if you would want to take on web designing

[00:18:04] man you're gonna be my first employee right I'm gonna give you jobs because I had so many

[00:18:08] clients asked hey do you do cheese your kids so you can underpay her exactly yeah I like that free

[00:18:15] but no I told her I was like look you have the option of actually making some really good money at a

[00:18:20] young age if you decide to do that but no she's not interested and Jacob wants to be an electrician

[00:18:26] show so nice good for him yeah I mean that's I told her I was like hey that's good money

[00:18:31] oh man trade is excellent well in 20 years from now like that's a deadly good career choice

[00:18:37] because nobody wants to do that right now yeah so if he wants to do that I mean I think he'll

[00:18:42] first time he gets zapped he might you know might be like yeah just now it's then you can skip like

[00:18:49] 10 years yeah like just get zapped how do you feel about that can you deal with that once in a while

[00:18:54] all right she take this wire just taste just taste them one morning like out of nowhere I just get

[00:19:00] the dog collar yeah hey Jacob can you go grab the fucking coffee mug and just wire and see if he's

[00:19:08] still interested after that but yeah so that's what they want to do but um I don't know part of me hope

[00:19:13] is hoping that they'll they'll join me at some point you know in some way and if they don't well

[00:19:18] it is what it is okay to know yeah exactly as long as they're happy I think autumn's headed

[00:19:23] towards entrepreneurship for sure it seems that way and like that's how her brain works yeah so

[00:19:28] she just has to get like the work ethic part of it but she's 12 like she'll get it

[00:19:33] just like oh nobody else is gonna do anything for you so like

[00:19:38] better fucking figure it out yeah you gotta do yourself yeah it's not getting done yeah and so

[00:19:43] she that needs work but that's okay she's great at the ideas she's also 12 she's also 12 years old

[00:19:50] yeah what were you doing when you were 12 uh not building your own product skateboarding and

[00:19:58] that's about it yeah there yeah and then occasionally working at my family business yeah

[00:20:05] all right well let's get into our um yeah we kind of strayed way off the

[00:20:09] that's again was a good discussion but I'm fine to talk about anything yeah hey Tommy

[00:20:14] among all the episodes we've recorded you know there's one common theme

[00:20:18] and that's getting therapy we've talked about it lots many many times you had a really tough time

[00:20:25] making that first phone call I had a tough time making that first phone call I didn't even know

[00:20:30] if the person I was gonna see was the right person but you gotta just try thank goodness we have a

[00:20:36] sponsor that makes it way easier now better help has an online platform that allows you to fill

[00:20:42] out a questionnaire they connect you with a therapist and you get to communicate with them

[00:20:47] however you want so whether that's text messaging that's emails that's through their app that's video

[00:20:52] chats you get all those options and it makes it way less scary to be connected with someone

[00:20:58] and if you're not into the person you talk to they'll sign you another one right away

[00:21:03] I've gotten a signed minor ready and I can't wait to use it like by the time

[00:21:07] you hear this I will have had my first session and I'm super pumped to talk about it on the

[00:21:11] show yeah I'm very excited about it and like it's very easy to sign up it took us maybe five

[00:21:16] minutes to sign up and you answer just simple questions and next thing you know you got a message

[00:21:23] that the therapy will be paired up with a therapist and within the same day we got the

[00:21:28] therapist already and the name and a message from them and we were able to communicate with them so

[00:21:33] it's extremely easy so please go to better help yeah that's the thing better help calm

[00:21:41] slash quiet riot show and you get to also enjoy 10% off for your first month if you sign up

[00:21:48] using this link so again right here I'm going to be doing from here yeah it's better help

[00:21:54] am i screwing it out

[00:21:56] slash quiet riot show um yeah sign up today and uh you'll you're not gonna regret it because

[00:22:04] I'm already enjoying it just the fact that we connected with a therapist me too man thank you

[00:22:09] to better help for supporting this podcast I you know honestly like I love these episodes because you

[00:22:15] and I can kind of sit down and and I guess speak a little more seriously I guess or like more into

[00:22:23] depth on topics you know because like we we chat a lot uh but I feel like when you and I do an

[00:22:29] episode on certain topic we really like take it apart and yeah do it dive on it yeah and so

[00:22:36] I really enjoy these and I've heard lots of good feedback from our listeners too that they really

[00:22:40] enjoyed the episodes there was just you and I so you can do more of them I don't know yeah I don't

[00:22:46] know let us know let us know what you think or don't I don't give a shit but yeah no so I guess we

[00:22:55] I wanted to have a conversation with you about the time your grandpa passed away because I know

[00:23:01] that hit you very hard yeah and um I knew you were close with your grandpa but I didn't know you

[00:23:08] were that close he okay so my grandpa passed away I don't know a few weeks ago yeah yeah month

[00:23:16] month ago probably month ago maybe not even I don't know um and he was old he was 94 uh he

[00:23:25] something happened he was in the hospital for like three days and then gone gone so super fast

[00:23:31] just the way he would have wanted that to happen yeah so that's great and you're 94 you're fucking

[00:23:36] old like good on you man you did it like you did the thing yeah you made it to 94 like

[00:23:41] what did I tell I told people that it wasn't tragic it was just sad yeah because it's not a

[00:23:47] tragedy if you die at 94 it's not a tragedy no it's sad it's sad and anytime anybody passes

[00:23:52] away it's sad yeah yeah and so I think with him he was the he came from nothing like he

[00:24:00] couldn't afford shoes growing up like that's they came from literally nothing and

[00:24:08] he started a business yeah and like bullied his way into being an entrepreneur and like

[00:24:14] that kind of hits like we just actually touched on a bunch it's like it kind of hits home for me

[00:24:19] because it's just like oh without like he was kind of the first of our family to do that yeah and so

[00:24:26] that's special like to me that's so special because like that's so close to me too I got like I knew

[00:24:31] I knew him if it wasn't for him you wouldn't be here yeah like yeah doing what I'm doing living

[00:24:37] the way I'm living like it was because of him it's not even because of the person before him

[00:24:42] it's because of him and like I had the chance to spend 40 years of my life around him yeah

[00:24:48] which was fucking awesome amazing yeah like not a lot of people get that and like no I have grandparents

[00:24:54] on the other side of my family that uh I didn't know well they didn't live in Winnipeg so I didn't

[00:24:59] know them as well but like uh they also died younger and so missed some of that time as well

[00:25:08] and so with him it was just like oh no he's like I had him around for 40 years of my life

[00:25:13] he saw you I worked beside him I worked on things with him yeah yeah like he was probably one of the

[00:25:21] first people to hold me when I was born yeah I'm assuming yeah and so like what you don't remember

[00:25:29] not at all no yeah and that's that's amazing I told you before that like yeah my grandparents

[00:25:34] from my dad's I passed away when I was I don't know 10 12 13 and my grandma passed away when I was

[00:25:45] I think 16 17 from my mom's side and then my grandpa passed away I was already living here

[00:25:51] and I my my grandpa was a very simple man you know he I don't even know what he did for

[00:25:58] living because when from when I remember him he was already retired and just okay he was basically

[00:26:05] grandma's bitch right he was just like go feed the rabbits and the chickens you know like he was

[00:26:10] just doing stuff around the house like I don't know what his job was um but then yeah he went blind

[00:26:15] he was in home so every time he went back home it was a very special visit but you know

[00:26:19] he couldn't see like we sat down I sat there for half an hour and that's it yeah I would go visit

[00:26:24] him multiple times we were there so that was my relationship with him yeah I spent summers there

[00:26:28] as a kid had a great time but nothing beyond that right yeah and so I was fortunate and like

[00:26:35] I mean shit he he got his mind was there the entire time he was alive his mind never slipped well

[00:26:43] you mentioned that he even drove till like 90 91 yeah like that's amazing I think 90 and then

[00:26:51] it was probably a nightmare to fucking drive behind him but yeah probably but they're like any old

[00:26:56] person yeah like if you're behind a Buick just move around but then you then you showed him how to

[00:27:00] use uber right yeah and so he would like he loved going to hockey games yeah and so he would go to

[00:27:05] hockey games and like eventually learned how to like take an uber that's awesome that's awesome

[00:27:11] can you imagine being for a 90 year old to use that he had a facebook page like when he was

[00:27:17] in his 80s he went to so my that side of my family has history in like Paraguay and South America

[00:27:26] and so when he was in his 80s he went on this like journey to South to Paraguay and South America

[00:27:33] to like visit relatives he'd never met in his life wow and he was fucking 80 and he just like went

[00:27:39] yeah by himself because there's no way grandma was gonna go yeah that's amazing he's not much of

[00:27:43] a risk taker yeah but gramps just fucking was going and so yeah and like it's a sign of his life

[00:27:50] where like nobody told him he couldn't do something yeah again also probably why he chose to let go

[00:27:57] after three days of being in the hospital like i'm not living like this yeah i've had a beautiful

[00:28:02] life i don't want to live whatever life is coming out of this so like i'm out yeah and then

[00:28:08] you just fucking he's out yeah plus his wife like my grandma is also 94 she's still alive but

[00:28:14] she's got dementia and whatever so it's just like no he's like just it was a good time for him to go

[00:28:20] yeah yeah nice so he went with dignity and i think he chose yeah yeah no it's crazy so

[00:28:28] but yeah so i i i've seen you a few days after that yeah and it was it was a

[00:28:37] it's tough you were you were yeah you didn't let me hug you no and uh i didn't want to cry it was weird

[00:28:43] because i wanted i wanted to hug you so much man but i wouldn't even let my wife touch me like

[00:28:49] yeah it's like i don't i don't need another meltdown like i'm good and any hug just made me cry

[00:28:54] so i was like i nobody's touching me like i just cold i just want to get through the thing and like

[00:28:59] i'll have my moments but like that's it that's good enough um but yeah so tell me tell me what

[00:29:06] because we talked about like you're busy with your job and you know you got to go and this happens

[00:29:11] yeah so what what was going through your what were you feeling and and what went through your head

[00:29:17] yeah oh shit what do i need to do now do i focus on this do i focus on that and well and like

[00:29:24] when something like that happens you just have to hit stop yeah and you have to like

[00:29:28] you have to give yourself a moment to do that uh i'm so grateful for my business partner that he

[00:29:35] was just like do whatever you need to do all good like he just he just handled shit but i still

[00:29:41] wanted to like work because i wanted a distraction i didn't want to just sit in it forever like

[00:29:45] i fucking hate that shit and so like my preference actually would be to never deal with it and

[00:29:50] just ignore it and pretend it never happened yeah nobody in my life lets me do that anymore so

[00:29:55] that's frustrating yeah i fucking hate that but like um but no it was just it was really hard it

[00:30:03] happened so fast and so there was no time to prepare for it even though i knew he was old

[00:30:09] but it's just like you don't his mind was there like and honestly like we kind of to me

[00:30:16] i shouldn't say we but for me like i kind of grieved him and my grandma even though she's still alive

[00:30:23] i kind of grieve them both at the same time because like gramps is gone so gramps is gone

[00:30:28] grandma doesn't know who i am anymore and so it's just like well then so it was kind of this like

[00:30:34] oh i'm just gonna get through all of this now and so like i think grandma will probably pass

[00:30:39] in the next while yeah i don't think it'll hurt as much it won't be the same because i think

[00:30:44] with grandpa passing like i just kind of you made peace with god through all of it and was just

[00:30:49] like okay you got all that bad emotion out of your system and like i just i did take time to process

[00:30:55] well and like your grandparents have been married for oh man like 70 that's insane

[00:31:03] seventy some years that's insane i mean yeah jesus christ like that's a lot a lot of years and so

[00:31:10] so in your i guess i assume in your eyes it's like it's always grandma and grandpa yeah they're one

[00:31:15] yeah they were one unit like i never knew them as different i never saw them differently like

[00:31:21] i mean shit when i was born they were probably already married for 30 fucking years like yeah right

[00:31:26] so um so it was like a bit of that too where i was i had at least enough space and time to

[00:31:32] figure out like oh i'm grieving all of this yeah like i'm losing the last of my grandparents

[00:31:38] so okay but it hurts it's hard yeah it wasn't uh yeah it wasn't fun and like with the intensity of my

[00:31:48] business as of the last while like to hit stop on that was hard and like also frustrating because

[00:31:56] like i don't want to and there's this thing that happens it just forces you too or the people

[00:32:01] around you force force you too yeah and so it's just it's probably a good thing it's fine but like

[00:32:07] it just it was it was really fast i think that was the part that was took adjusting it i needed

[00:32:15] some time to adjust because it just happened so fast so i think for like the first few days like

[00:32:20] i just kind of didn't talk much i didn't say much i kind of hid in the basement like my wife and

[00:32:26] daughter were so kind as to just like give me space to just like whatever i wanted and let

[00:32:31] us know if you need yeah and like if i wanted to talk i would talk for five minutes and then

[00:32:35] i would just go back and like i just needed some peace yeah they were so good for that and my business

[00:32:41] partner was so good like everyone was great and everyone like finds out and they like i don't

[00:32:46] tell people when that should happen so it's not my thing you found out you actually came to the

[00:32:51] funeral which was great like i'm grateful that you were there it was nice to see you there and

[00:32:55] but like in my my rachel's like should i tell anybody i'm like no fucking don't tell anybody

[00:32:59] i don't want anyone around like everyone's just gonna want to hug me and make me cry so fuck

[00:33:03] off like i'm not interested in it yeah so um so they just like gave me space to just do my thing and

[00:33:09] just like process at whatever speed i needed to and uh it as far as that goes like everyone around

[00:33:15] was so great and supportive i felt i felt bad because i wasn't i wasn't sort of as engaged

[00:33:25] enough as like my dad who it was his dad and like what maybe would have liked me to be

[00:33:32] but like it's your own thing and like when somebody dies like you just you're not everyone processes

[00:33:38] things differently right yeah and so i'm not like i don't want to sit around with the whole family

[00:33:43] and tell stories about them like i don't want to do that i'm not interested in doing that

[00:33:46] i don't want to watch this fucking slideshow at the funeral i don't want to

[00:33:51] like i don't want to do those things and so it it's not out of disrespect or a lack of love

[00:33:56] or care for the people in my life it's just that's not what i that's not all that does for me is make

[00:34:02] it worse yeah so like i'm not doing that so yeah i'll do that i'll do that in a month once i well

[00:34:08] i'll do it on my own terms when i want to do it so like the slideshow thing like i picked a

[00:34:13] spit i knew it existed i knew that was done really well i wanted to watch it i just wanted

[00:34:18] to watch it on my own terms yeah and so after the day of the burial that was the first burial

[00:34:24] i've ever been to okay i've actually avoided all those my whole life because i hate them

[00:34:28] or i thought i i do hate them but now i know i hate them but um i just did that doesn't

[00:34:34] i don't get closure from that that doesn't do anything for me so like i don't want to go

[00:34:38] yeah and so the day but i had to go i was a paul bearer and it's my fucking grandpa so i'm

[00:34:43] he would want me there so okay fuck i'm going so i went and then afterwards me and uh my cousin

[00:34:49] who's also like my best friend uh went back to his house like had some whiskies and watched

[00:34:55] the slideshow and like it was like a 30 minute slideshow it took us like five hours to get

[00:35:00] through it because we stopped at every slide and had a had a conversation and like that's how i

[00:35:05] wanted to experience it that's right i didn't want to just see it in passing and then like

[00:35:09] not have that chance yeah yeah and so it was great like we spent like hours just going through it

[00:35:15] and like oh that's my dad when he was like fucking my age or like analyze the whole picture and my dad

[00:35:21] had a sick mustache by the way when he like he still does but like yeah in his 30s he was

[00:35:26] fucking killing it yeah i'm gonna lie almost a couple pictures made me chocolate at the

[00:35:30] funeral i was like oh shit that's right well in him and i look the same like i look the same

[00:35:35] well actually your grandpa is and you like yeah like you guys very when i look at your you and

[00:35:42] you're dead i'm like okay i see some similarities yeah but you and your grandpa holy shit like

[00:35:49] i'm like that's the same asshole face right no but yeah like i can see him like the same thing that

[00:35:58] would be very hard person to read his emotions yeah he was yeah oh yeah he wasn't like uh never

[00:36:04] met him in person but yeah he wasn't out with it like it was very stoic and like the guy would

[00:36:09] hate to have him as a boss you never know yeah is he angry or having the best day of his life

[00:36:17] who knows and i'm kind of like that too like i'm pretty steady in that sense and so yeah

[00:36:22] that's probably from him yeah just like no yeah not a lot of emotions i i do this show which is

[00:36:29] probably the one opportunity i take to like show emotions a little more yeah and like generally i don't

[00:36:35] outside of that except your grandpa had better hair than you do

[00:36:37] fuck damn it handsome bastard well and so you know and i after i thought of it i'm like

[00:36:48] fuck i don't really feel weird but like i i asked you where when the funeral is and everything

[00:36:53] because like in my culture it's like you go pay that's where yeah you go pay respects to the

[00:36:58] family and and to the person that passed and even though i didn't know him i like you're very close

[00:37:05] in my life and and i wanted to yeah show you know and after so what after i was like i showed up there

[00:37:11] a little bit earlier i'm like shit there's lots of old people here and i don't see anybody that i

[00:37:17] would know i'm like i'm just gonna go wait in the car and just show up like one minute before

[00:37:22] it starts yeah and then there was more people and i felt a little more comfortable after that

[00:37:26] i seen some younger younger people i'm like okay good well of course the old people are always early

[00:37:30] for everything yeah for sure and um you know i i i hope that was okay and i i and if it wasn't

[00:37:39] then no no but like that's of course it is that's just what me and my culture does right yeah and i

[00:37:47] think people do that and like i just i have just because i'm the fucking weird one out like

[00:37:52] well you be able to tell me people didn't know about it i didn't tell anybody about it and so like

[00:37:57] there's plenty of people who have no idea my grandpa died three weeks ago like i'll have

[00:38:02] to listen to the show well now they'll know but like it's fine i don't i'm not like i'm glad you

[00:38:08] were there um i didn't need anybody else there like you you said you were coming and that was

[00:38:14] great and i was very happy to see you afterwards and that was nice and i appreciate that you

[00:38:20] took time to be there for that i mean that is a it's yeah it's just a support thing yeah so i'm glad

[00:38:27] i've been to i've been to funerals where i didn't know the person who passed but went for the person

[00:38:34] i knew who knew them that's right yeah yeah and those are good things to do like it's i have to

[00:38:38] say like funerals in canada are actually a lot better than what i'm used to oh really in slavakia

[00:38:47] it's like uh it's a very just like it's led by a priest it's almost like a full mass there's lots of

[00:38:55] those here too like catholic funerals are the worst and yeah i just i'm like like everyone's sad

[00:39:02] and it's like at least i love this this whole like it's a celebration of life yeah that's

[00:39:08] that's the way i look i'm like if i go like i want people to tell the most embarrassing stories

[00:39:14] at my funeral i'm gonna list because i want people to like leave crying from laughing you know like

[00:39:23] might be a sad man it might be a happy day for some people i don't know i don't think you have too many

[00:39:29] but at the end of the day like it's i love that you you share the great stories that you

[00:39:33] remember and like that's where it kind of like when when somebody passes is close to you like you

[00:39:39] for easy math you have thousand one thousand stories to share yeah but you can only share three

[00:39:44] yeah so you're really like the ones that stand out you will share it yeah and those will be

[00:39:50] probably the best stories to share and when you make people laugh at the funeral i love that

[00:39:54] like it's amazing there should always be some type of now yeah there should be some type

[00:40:01] of laughter at a funeral for sure i've been to one thing that's a little bit different

[00:40:07] is i've been to funerals where it's uh like suicides and i've been to funerals where it's not

[00:40:14] those are very very different they are yeah suicide funerals are just so sad yeah and it's

[00:40:25] hard to like there's not the ones i've been to there was not a lot of laughter

[00:40:30] mm and so i'm sure it's um there might be but like the what the suicide funerals i've been to

[00:40:36] not a lot of laughter the ones where people just die because they died and there was time

[00:40:40] and there was these things like car accident or something yeah that wasn't just there yeah

[00:40:44] controllable circumstances those there's always some type of laughter or yeah like because generally

[00:40:53] if you're at a funeral for someone it's because you cared about them you love them it mattered

[00:40:58] to you they mattered to you you had an experience with them you had a story you had something with

[00:41:02] them and usually any experience with a person involves some type of comedic moment like

[00:41:09] think about you and i oh yeah like the stories we could tell at each other's funerals that would

[00:41:16] make people fucking howl laughing i don't want you to come to my funeral my family will be horrified

[00:41:23] they might be but like that's the because it's an all it's it's paying respects in honor to the

[00:41:31] relationship that you had with that yeah yeah and so i love that like i don't want to talk at funerals

[00:41:37] i fucking i don't want to do that i don't mind talking to people afterwards that's fine like at

[00:41:41] my grandpa's funeral like we went we had a reception downstairs it was just like fucking

[00:41:47] all these people coming out to me want to talk to me and just like i don't i want to do this

[00:41:51] right now like but you have to you just put on the face and you do the thing and it's fine but it's

[00:41:55] just like fuck like this sucks i just want to leave like i just want to go and have a whiskey

[00:42:02] and laugh with like five people you're you're repeating your phone to be around you're repeating

[00:42:06] yourself yeah you know people come and tell you oh i'm sorry for your loss thank you oh i

[00:42:11] remember this about oh that's nice like it's always the same story over and over and it's

[00:42:15] it's good it's like it's great it's a reminder of all these people who he like he touched their lives

[00:42:21] in some way and so like it is a good thing it's all that all those fucking things but like i just

[00:42:26] that's just not how i want to do it i just i don't yeah i don't know yeah it's not fun um

[00:42:34] yeah so i'd mentioned a little bit about the difference in funerals and the

[00:42:39] the suicide funeral and the yeah and i think i don't i'm assuming you've been to at least one of those

[00:42:46] in your life oh yeah well so my very first one was actually my uncle okay and and uh yeah actually

[00:42:53] what i wanted to talk about that is that when when somebody commits suicide it's um i just

[00:43:02] i'll never forget this my aunt was angry like she was just like yeah pissed off like why would

[00:43:11] why would he do that i've been there right and it's part of me understands

[00:43:23] but what stopped me from doing anything to myself or even just hurting myself was

[00:43:29] i don't want to hurt my family yeah so when somebody goes through with it like it just shows

[00:43:35] like how deep how how dark it really was yeah like it's it's like that you can see past that you

[00:43:41] you see past the people that you would hurt yeah by taking your own life and and it's just recently

[00:43:48] one of one of good friends like we weren't close friends but um we've played a few shows together

[00:43:58] and it's he left a big impact on on the Winnipeg music Winnipeg punk scene for sure he did there's

[00:44:05] i know who you're talking about yeah there's thousands thousands of people that are hurting right now and

[00:44:15] our buddy scott like he's he's gonna be dearly missed by uh by by the Winnipeg music scene

[00:44:22] not just a punk scene everybody knew him and um and he was he's been in the music industry for a

[00:44:28] long time and like i remember the first time my band played with mung uh he came up like we showed up

[00:44:36] with our gear right and then he's like he saw that i was nervous because i was pounding beers

[00:44:43] i'm like yeah was that what you do when you're nervous you're nervous a lot yeah

[00:44:48] yeah i know

[00:44:54] but uh he came up to me and then uh i'm like ah man i'm just like i hope we don't

[00:44:58] fuck up he's like listen man nobody will know nobody will give a shit go out there and have fun

[00:45:05] and we played our set he was right up front after the show he was like holy shit like you guys did

[00:45:10] great and it wasn't just like oh great set thanks buddy yeah like the normal thing every

[00:45:15] that second song like when you guys played that like there was the breakdown like he was engaged

[00:45:19] he was really engaged he really gave he gave a shit yeah and he was like that with everyone

[00:45:26] he came actually so we are our uh let's call it a comedy podcast the vi pod that i do with

[00:45:33] bretsky yeah kyle um you know we did a barbecue fundraiser so he played in another band called

[00:45:40] death tax and like you know showed up there and just like had the best fucking time where was i

[00:45:46] i don't know you didn't come you were invited for sure but you just never showed up yeah sounds about

[00:45:51] right but uh just down to everybody loved him he he had the funniest stupidest jokes

[00:46:00] somewhat offensive but like you know he was that guy he would just say the most ridiculous

[00:46:07] funniest thing ever but often like those are the ones we lose yeah right and and i guess that's how

[00:46:14] people deal with certain things you know like uh i mean look at look at robin williams one of the

[00:46:19] funniest guys a great example of that situation right and who would have thought so well liked so

[00:46:26] loved so kind so gentle so funny so sad so many demons he was fighting and dealing with right so

[00:46:35] and uh it's it's it's shitty and and um i love the messages that people were leaving

[00:46:44] right now like about scott saying that um you're free now like and uh i guess that's the

[00:46:59] thanks that's the one thing that people that deal deal with shit is uh

[00:47:06] is that they can be free before they do something right yeah and i think that's why i i hope like

[00:47:14] with this show that um people just spread the word and uh like reach out like it's it's

[00:47:25] it i know it sucks and i've been there not as dark but there's always something

[00:47:34] something better that's waiting for you right is what i want to i guess put out there yeah

[00:47:44] i had that conversation with someone literally today on the way here who's feeling that same

[00:47:52] sense of darkness just that that lack of sight you can't see in the dark yeah it's hard to see

[00:47:58] in the dark and like he just right now and i don't want to unpack it all but like he just

[00:48:06] he's in a he's in something right now that's so dark you just can't see yeah and i'm just doing

[00:48:13] my best to keep connected with him and keep in touch and make him talk and make like anything

[00:48:19] anything at all and like i don't think he's at a point of risk but i don't think he's not

[00:48:24] at a point of risk that can shift pretty quick and maybe we'll talk about another time on an episode

[00:48:29] or maybe i'll actually he might want to come on and talk but um but it's just the the suicide

[00:48:37] thing is just so when i talked about my grandpa being sad not tragic this is the complete fucking

[00:48:44] opposite of that it's just so tragic because it's we all us who are living

[00:48:52] feel like there's it didn't need to be that way yeah we always feel like that right like we're the ones

[00:48:58] left behind and like we always feel yeah or i always feel like it didn't have to happen that way

[00:49:06] and you said it earlier like for someone to get to a point where like that was the best way

[00:49:13] for them that was the best solution to what they were to their darkness or to their whatever

[00:49:19] whatever you want to call it it's just it's so it's so fucking heartbreaking is an understatement

[00:49:25] like it there isn't words to describe that and it's just so fucking tragic and i'm sorry about

[00:49:33] your friend man like i knew of him i never i was in the music scene and anybody in winnipeg

[00:49:38] who has been in any of the music scenes knows who that guy was knows who his band was like yeah

[00:49:44] they all we all know absolutely and we all know the impact that they had on the scene and the people

[00:49:49] in it and like his his reputation carried far yeah and uh it's just a fucking it fucking sucks

[00:49:59] like what else do you say it yeah it's fucking shit like it's shitty it is um but yeah at the end

[00:50:07] of the day um uh i've heard so many beautiful things about him and um i can't repeat now anything

[00:50:19] or anything yeah but there was i know i there's one quote that i wanted to bring up but overall um

[00:50:25] just uh you know everyone's saying that you know what let it sucks what happened

[00:50:31] it too bad that it happened this way but let's carry on um celebrating his life i know there will be

[00:50:39] a memorial show put together by his past bandmates and i know it's going to be a great shit show

[00:50:47] and just the way they're describing it it's like i know we're gonna go there and we're gonna have a

[00:50:51] great time celebration of life that's gonna be a true celebration of life yeah we're

[00:50:56] gonna celebrate scott's legacy that he left here in winnipeg and you know it's like yeah he's touched

[00:51:04] many many lives in a positive way and um i just uh i wish tanner to you know the strength that she

[00:51:13] needs right now to go go through whatever uh she's going through and and to all the bandmates

[00:51:20] and and everyone that's that's affected by his death uh i just really hope that people are gonna

[00:51:27] remember him for who he was and not for what he did right and at the end of the day it's it sucks

[00:51:33] and he's hopefully he's in a better place now and um you know one day we'll rock out with our cocks

[00:51:39] otherwise he would say he would say shit like that so um you know hopefully he found peace yeah

[00:51:45] it sucks for the rest of us that that's what it took for him to find that piece yeah i just hope he

[00:51:51] found it yeah exactly yeah that's that's all we can do the rest of us can try and figure it out and move

[00:51:56] through but uh i mean i i don't know what happens after we go but and that's another show we'll have

[00:52:03] some other time but i think that i would love to know what happens after but it's never guaranteed

[00:52:08] right no exactly all these different my wife has some ideas but not any solidified i mean i've

[00:52:13] heard some crazy stories but yeah that's a different show for sure but i just i i hope that

[00:52:18] whatever piece he needed he found yeah and that's we can all find our own piece in that

[00:52:25] those who knew him those who were close to him uh can all try and find their own way to figure

[00:52:29] that through that and we're all still here and we all have to find our own piece with this

[00:52:34] yeah and and it is what it is right so um i'm not sure if this means anything but yeah i'd love

[00:52:39] to dedicate this this episode to him yeah and um just um yeah um moving forward yeah uh i don't know

[00:52:50] if there's anything um yeah we had another death in our family one of our friends unfortunately she

[00:52:58] had cancer and um back in Slovakia so that that impacted both of us again like this was

[00:53:04] literally a week later like within the week so it's been tough um so uh yeah shout out to our

[00:53:12] friend pimpy we her nickname was pimpy okay yeah and she was a sweetheart um she um saved my life

[00:53:21] few times because uh when i went back to Slovakia like she gave the best massages

[00:53:27] and like when i had bad back aches like she just like fixed me for the time being so that was

[00:53:32] nice that's awesome it's a good friend yeah and i don't think i'd do that for you no i know you would

[00:53:38] and uh passed away young my wife sage and um that's shitty and she was battling cancer for a while and

[00:53:44] i know we both regret of not seeing her this past summer when we were there and that's one thing too

[00:53:49] like uh i had a conversation with i don't even know who but every time i go back home um

[00:53:57] you know i i always have that in back of my mind it's like well if this is the last goodbye i'm

[00:54:02] saying to you whether it's my could be my brother my sister along my parents right friends

[00:54:08] and it's such a shitty feeling uh but you know life goes on and thanks thank god for the technology

[00:54:13] we get to see each other like often so that's good but um yeah we just got part of us like

[00:54:18] damn it like why did we find like 10 minutes just to but but it's a hindsight well it's a

[00:54:23] hindsight thing and like you just yeah you can't live in that no no no and it's it's like we're

[00:54:28] not it's it's not it doesn't bother us or like we're we're okay yeah there's always that something

[00:54:34] you think about right yeah of course so yeah i mean uh people you know it's life and death right

[00:54:39] like people are born and then we die every day slowly we're dying yeah and then eventually our

[00:54:46] time just like or clock times out and then yeah we don't know when our time is and um

[00:54:52] um i guess we need we need to say our say our farewells when we can and um and you know i mean i

[00:55:01] might not i might this might be the last show that we see each other right we never know what happens

[00:55:06] yeah and uh we just need to kind of appreciate each other's companies and times and and like

[00:55:14] really uh there's people that fucking hate each other and and you know my my dad and his

[00:55:21] brother like didn't speak for years and like i can't even imagine if like one of them passed away

[00:55:26] and how would the other person feel you know like yeah try not to hold grudges against people and and

[00:55:33] well and if you have something kind to say to someone if you think about it say it yeah just

[00:55:37] say it yeah exactly tell someone you love them don't hold back if you love them tell me love them

[00:55:41] yeah i think that's a good way to end sure yeah on this note it just yeah um yeah follow us on

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