"Purpose and Love Vs. Depression" with Brendon Gilchuk

[00:00:00] It wasn't until I looked back in retrospect through this entire thing that I realized that

[00:00:05] what I needed to get out of that entire situation was to give love.

[00:00:08] And maybe I miss that through my 20s.

[00:00:11] Maybe I didn't have enough ability to give love.

[00:00:13] Maybe I was trying to receive love more.

[00:00:16] Maybe I was just too focused on myself.

[00:00:18] Going through my 20s thinking about myself and oh yeah, I'm depressed and blah blah blah.

[00:00:23] It was stigmatic right?

[00:00:24] No but those are real things.

[00:00:25] And I don't think you should discount that.

[00:00:29] No I know.

[00:00:30] Because I think that also, like that experience shapes who you are and how you behave in the

[00:00:34] future.

[00:00:35] But I mean going through that whole process, I mean it really made me realize that ok depression

[00:00:39] is real mental.

[00:00:40] Yeah this is real.

[00:00:41] Yeah.

[00:00:42] Welcome back to The Quiet Riot Show everybody.

[00:01:01] I'm Tim and my co-host Tommy is right next to me here.

[00:01:06] And we got another special guest here today and we're going to get into that.

[00:01:11] Yeah.

[00:01:12] We recorded like yesterday and I mean people don't listen on the timelines that we record

[00:01:18] but we did yesterday and I'm assuming by the time this comes out people will have heard

[00:01:23] that episode maybe?

[00:01:24] Yeah.

[00:01:25] That one's coming out before this one?

[00:01:26] Yes yeah.

[00:01:27] Ok.

[00:01:28] It was great, I enjoyed it.

[00:01:29] Yeah yesterday was fun.

[00:01:30] It had actually been quite a while since I recorded one because you did the last

[00:01:35] one without me.

[00:01:36] Like previous that.

[00:01:37] Yeah.

[00:01:38] So like this is a bit of a, it's been a while thing.

[00:01:41] Yeah.

[00:01:42] And we're pumping out some extra content right now that you guys, well I guess they're receiving

[00:01:47] today.

[00:01:48] Well and we're trying to get ready for, because you're going back to Slovakia for what three

[00:01:53] weeks?

[00:01:54] Yeah.

[00:01:55] When is that May?

[00:01:56] May yeah.

[00:01:57] That's gonna be fun.

[00:01:58] I don't like that you're leaving for three weeks.

[00:02:00] I can't just leave.

[00:02:01] I mean you can, you just don't want to.

[00:02:03] Well I got a daughter and a wife and the business and yeah well fair.

[00:02:08] Yeah but you're taking one of them.

[00:02:10] Yeah that was kind of the deal yeah like because I took my daughter five years ago to the IHF

[00:02:16] championship that was in Slovakia.

[00:02:18] I'm from Slovakia originally and so this time around it's in Czech Republic which is

[00:02:26] next door, it's a four hour drive and I'm like well I can't not take my son you know

[00:02:32] so yeah I'm going.

[00:02:35] For three weeks.

[00:02:36] Wife can't say shit.

[00:02:37] I already bought tickets and everything.

[00:02:39] You just went last year.

[00:02:40] Yeah in the summer.

[00:02:41] Why do you need to go back again?

[00:02:42] Because of the hockey.

[00:02:43] What's your son gonna do when you're drinking till 8am?

[00:02:46] He's gonna be drinking with me.

[00:02:48] Fair enough.

[00:02:49] I mean he's 10 but I guess it's Europe fair.

[00:02:52] Can't go that far without saying that long.

[00:02:55] Yeah well fair enough.

[00:02:56] To be fair.

[00:02:57] Yeah.

[00:02:58] Okay why don't you choose a side guest.

[00:02:59] That's our guest Brandon Gilchuk.

[00:03:02] Gilchuk?

[00:03:03] That's well pronounced.

[00:03:04] You good with that?

[00:03:05] Yeah.

[00:03:06] Is that too pronounced?

[00:03:07] Yeah a little.

[00:03:08] Brandon.

[00:03:09] Brandon.

[00:03:10] So Brandon.

[00:03:11] Yeah.

[00:03:12] Brandon Gilchuk.

[00:03:13] Just nod and erb backwards.

[00:03:14] Keep it easy.

[00:03:15] Does it actually bother you when they mispronounce your name?

[00:03:21] Oh I'm just so used to it man.

[00:03:22] You know what my parents were just picked one of those names that was just so easy

[00:03:28] at the time and then everybody just changed it in every way they could.

[00:03:33] Just however they wanted.

[00:03:34] My kid's unique you know.

[00:03:38] My name is Thomas but it's spelled without the H.

[00:03:41] Okay.

[00:03:42] And so you know some lovely people including your wife just goes sometimes like oh is it

[00:03:49] Tomas?

[00:03:50] But respectively then you don't have to go by Thommy.

[00:03:53] Yeah right.

[00:03:54] Exactly.

[00:03:55] Isn't it Tomas?

[00:03:57] It's Tomas.

[00:03:58] How does it if you actually try it?

[00:04:00] What's the shh?

[00:04:01] How does that work?

[00:04:02] If you actually spell it in Slovakia there's like an accent on the A which is just a line

[00:04:08] that makes the A longer and then there's like an upside down roof over the S and that's

[00:04:14] it.

[00:04:15] That makes the shh sound.

[00:04:16] That's for my infrastructure.

[00:04:17] Tomas.

[00:04:18] Yeah.

[00:04:19] How long is the A?

[00:04:20] As long as you want baby.

[00:04:25] Longer the better I guess.

[00:04:26] Oh Jesus one of these shows.

[00:04:28] That's gonna be a great while we're into some nice whiskeys and yeah.

[00:04:33] Yeah Brandon brought a whole fucking wood smoke thing.

[00:04:39] He's drinking smoked bourbon.

[00:04:41] I mean I've never tried it until today and it's.

[00:04:43] It was delightful.

[00:04:44] Yeah it was really nice.

[00:04:45] It was awful.

[00:04:46] Thank you.

[00:04:47] I don't mean to be a bandwagon jumper but I am behind two celebrities whiskeys right

[00:04:51] now and they're pretty damn good.

[00:04:53] Which ones?

[00:04:54] What?

[00:04:55] So this one's Matthew McConaughey's.

[00:04:56] Is that McCona?

[00:04:57] He's got a tequila now.

[00:04:58] Oh does he?

[00:04:59] Yeah.

[00:05:00] I didn't know this was his.

[00:05:01] Yeah long branch.

[00:05:02] It's really nice you know.

[00:05:03] And then yeah he's got a tequila.

[00:05:05] Connor McGregor's Proper 12s.

[00:05:07] Oh right.

[00:05:08] That's a nice one yeah.

[00:05:09] Yeah.

[00:05:10] So Brandon and I know each other from our local watering hole.

[00:05:14] That is correct.

[00:05:16] We frequent let's just call it frequent.

[00:05:20] Just running to each other.

[00:05:21] Yeah we bump into each other from time to time.

[00:05:23] When you're having a business meeting.

[00:05:25] Four or five times a week.

[00:05:29] At the local watering hole I live super close.

[00:05:31] He lives close.

[00:05:32] That's actually how we met from that establishment.

[00:05:36] Yeah.

[00:05:37] He's an entrepreneur.

[00:05:44] He's his own business owner.

[00:05:45] I guess a solopreneur.

[00:05:46] Would that be accurate?

[00:05:47] What's the difference between solopreneur and entrepreneur?

[00:05:52] Because they're just working for themselves.

[00:05:55] Work for themselves.

[00:05:56] Yeah until I can handle it anymore.

[00:05:59] Not to say you don't want ahead there but like oh yeah.

[00:06:02] I'm just trying to paint the picture.

[00:06:05] Yeah just trying to paint exactly.

[00:06:07] That's nice.

[00:06:08] There you go.

[00:06:09] You're like a Bob Ross or I guess I'm like Bob Ross.

[00:06:11] I'm painting the picture.

[00:06:12] I was Bob Ross.

[00:06:13] For Halloween.

[00:06:14] Yeah.

[00:06:15] And your party and your Halloween party.

[00:06:17] Oh like I remember my Halloween party.

[00:06:19] Come on.

[00:06:21] Were you really?

[00:06:22] Yeah you were.

[00:06:23] My wife was the painting.

[00:06:24] It's coming back a little bit.

[00:06:25] I'm starting to get it.

[00:06:27] My wife was the paint.

[00:06:29] She was.

[00:06:30] She was Bob Ross and she was I remember this now.

[00:06:33] She had like one of those paintings that you kind of put over your neck and it's

[00:06:38] like a cannabis so it was pretty funny.

[00:06:41] Should we do the check in?

[00:06:42] Yeah let's check in.

[00:06:43] Why don't we start with you Tommy?

[00:06:53] You know the check you've listened to the show.

[00:06:54] You understand your check in process.

[00:06:56] You bet.

[00:06:57] I don't have to.

[00:06:58] Okay cool.

[00:06:59] Perfect.

[00:07:00] What are you doing?

[00:07:01] I am doing.

[00:07:02] I'm doing you know what I'm doing a little bit better than I did yesterday actually.

[00:07:07] Despite the fact that I only slept for two hours.

[00:07:09] I had an afternoon nap.

[00:07:10] Two out like last night.

[00:07:12] Yeah.

[00:07:13] I was like what are you doing?

[00:07:14] So after you left after the recording yesterday I finished editing the podcast and like because

[00:07:21] we stayed up late the night before watching the F1 I was just super tired.

[00:07:26] And so I had an afternoon nap.

[00:07:28] Well that turned into a three hour nap.

[00:07:31] That's alright.

[00:07:32] It was great but then I'm like oh shit I'm not gonna sleep at night right.

[00:07:36] Oh fuck.

[00:07:37] So that's what happened.

[00:07:38] Yeah I was like 130 when I'm like okay I should put the alarm on.

[00:07:44] I should put an extra alarm on.

[00:07:45] So usually I've set three alarms.

[00:07:48] I put six alarms on.

[00:07:49] Six?

[00:07:50] You know just to make sure you know it was like 330, 340, 345 and so on you know in

[00:07:55] case I snooze two or three of them I still have the caution started setting in.

[00:07:58] My wife sets two every morning that are both before when I want to be up.

[00:08:04] Oh yeah.

[00:08:05] It's a fucking worst.

[00:08:06] Because you snooze the first one and the second one goes off.

[00:08:09] You might snooze the second one but if she doesn't then she'll get up and then I have

[00:08:14] to deal with this one out.

[00:08:16] The snoozer from the first one.

[00:08:18] Fucking awful.

[00:08:19] But yeah so I didn't sleep much and I had actually a busy day but it was a good day like

[00:08:26] productive day when I came home.

[00:08:28] That's good.

[00:08:29] I had to do some other stuff at home and it was good.

[00:08:32] And then I went to see Dr. Delicius.

[00:08:35] Dr. D?

[00:08:36] He's a chiropractor and he's doing great.

[00:08:40] We talked a bunch of F1 stuff.

[00:08:42] Oh I would have seen it.

[00:08:43] Yeah.

[00:08:44] Oh yeah.

[00:08:45] And you know he really has been helping me over the last month with my sciatic nerve

[00:08:51] being pinched and all fucked up so yeah feeling great, feeling good and I know I'm

[00:08:58] going to crash hard tonight and still got to go get my daughter and promise my son

[00:09:03] to play some video games but after that I'll...

[00:09:06] Well and you're solo dad this week.

[00:09:08] Yeah.

[00:09:09] Your wife's in France.

[00:09:10] And that was nice that I was up at night because I got to talk to my wife a little bit

[00:09:13] at least.

[00:09:14] Oh that's okay.

[00:09:15] That's good.

[00:09:16] How about yourself?

[00:09:17] What happened since yesterday?

[00:09:19] I mean yeah every day but yeah I would say I'm like a seven today.

[00:09:25] We're in the prep stages of going to the cabin tomorrow for almost a week and

[00:09:31] so like I'm so focused and looking forward to that and just like trying to wrap up all

[00:09:37] the things I have to be in the city for right away and like there's lots of work I'll do

[00:09:43] while I'm out there.

[00:09:44] I don't ever stop working but like it's a different kind of work.

[00:09:48] Well and like that scenery there too is freaking beautiful.

[00:09:51] Yeah like you get up, you make coffee, the lake, the trees, the like it just feels

[00:09:56] different.

[00:09:57] You get to have a regular eight or nine kind of day.

[00:09:59] Yeah and while I've never done eight or nine in my life I know what you're saying but like

[00:10:05] even just the work I'm going to do while I'm out there is just like I've sort of been compiling

[00:10:09] work that I can do that doesn't require me to be in Winnipeg or like in front of people

[00:10:15] that kind of stuff so like even to get an opportunity to catch up on some of those things like

[00:10:19] is I'm excited about and like I get to spend six days with my wife and my daughter

[00:10:27] and my dog like out at the cabin we don't put the dog on a leash at the cabin we just

[00:10:32] if the door if you open the door and he runs out he runs out you just kind of live with it

[00:10:35] and like in the city we don't get to be that relaxed about it or we choose not to be that

[00:10:40] relaxed about it.

[00:10:41] Are there coyotes there?

[00:10:42] I'm sure there is yeah.

[00:10:43] Yeah good snack.

[00:10:44] Oh just that night we don't.

[00:10:45] I mean locally being in the city.

[00:10:46] I don't think we let them out like at night.

[00:10:49] Yeah yeah but during the day there's no much to do.

[00:10:51] But during the day who cares.

[00:10:53] So I'm actually just excited to like get out of the city for a few days and relax and like

[00:10:57] have a different experience.

[00:10:58] That'll be good for you too.

[00:11:00] Yeah yeah it will be yeah yeah.

[00:11:01] I think you've made that for a little while.

[00:11:04] Brandon?

[00:11:05] Yep.

[00:11:06] Yes sir.

[00:11:07] How are you doing?

[00:11:08] What number are you?

[00:11:09] You know and you can use any time period you want.

[00:11:10] It could be last week, last month, last year, last whatever.

[00:11:13] Oh I don't know I ride around a little bit but to be fair.

[00:11:18] To be fair.

[00:11:19] I you know what I'm a little like you Tim and I've heard in your last podcast that you

[00:11:24] said you typically ride about a seven.

[00:11:26] Yeah.

[00:11:27] Consistently and that's usually where I'm at.

[00:11:31] I think up until about a couple hours ago I was like just you know coming right up on

[00:11:35] an eight all day and you know what looking forward to this podcast was a big part of

[00:11:39] that.

[00:11:40] Looking forward to big things always gets me going.

[00:11:43] And then I made the choice to open my emails before I got here and.

[00:11:48] Fuck.

[00:11:49] Now there's more fires put out to me.

[00:11:52] But you know not a big deal.

[00:11:54] Really actually I should say you know what I'm right around an eight.

[00:11:57] Cool that's great.

[00:11:58] That's awesome.

[00:11:59] Yeah I love that.

[00:12:00] You know what things are kind of on the up and up and I got a lot of good things to

[00:12:04] look forward to.

[00:12:05] Good.

[00:12:06] That's great.

[00:12:07] Yeah I don't know.

[00:12:08] Well and I think that like when you're and call me out if I'm speaking out

[00:12:14] of turn but like when you run your own business and you control your own like you control so

[00:12:20] much of your own life in your schedule.

[00:12:23] Like those shifts in numbers are really like they either hits they hit super hard whether

[00:12:28] it's good or bad.

[00:12:30] They do yeah but I mean and I say this to my wife you know I she she is still she

[00:12:38] you know she's almost a couple years into her job.

[00:12:41] She's absolutely killing it.

[00:12:43] She's lovely by the way.

[00:12:44] Thank you.

[00:12:45] I agree.

[00:12:46] She isn't lovely all the time after work but that believable.

[00:12:50] She might listen to this so like it was that believable.

[00:12:53] And your face wasn't on there so that's good.

[00:12:56] Yeah she's super lovely.

[00:12:58] Don't get me wrong I absolutely love her to death and you know what she's everything

[00:13:02] to be but she does download everything onto me at the end of the day and I I appreciate

[00:13:06] it because you know what she needs to do to somebody.

[00:13:10] But today she did it halfway through the day.

[00:13:12] She's just like I am done you know fuck and I'm like I'm like I'm like she's like you

[00:13:16] know what I'm dealing with mistakes I made like six months ago I'm like what when you're

[00:13:20] alone just killing it by yourself despite the fact that you had no mentor no nobody

[00:13:25] helping you out I'm like you are accomplishing things at that company that nobody has ever

[00:13:29] done in history.

[00:13:30] I'm like just appreciate yourself for your achievements a little bit right.

[00:13:33] So you know like I take that back to my own my own true but also in those

[00:13:38] moments like you're the battery that's giving energy to another thing.

[00:13:42] That's true and like wherever you've been doing or going through and it's no knock

[00:13:47] on her but it's just like because there's a million of those and there's a

[00:13:50] million of those situations every day and it's like I think the expectation is

[00:13:56] that like suck it up take it deal with it give the energy to it and like

[00:14:02] figure out your own shit later like am I wrong and it's not a knock on your

[00:14:06] wife like I think it's your wife or it's somebody else or it's another situation

[00:14:10] or whatever but I think like as man that's like the majority of how we feel

[00:14:15] am I wrong like no not at all I mean you know what at the end of the day or

[00:14:19] sorry that's a default that's I don't know if it's a majority of how we

[00:14:22] feel it's a default in like the position worse pulse to take in those

[00:14:26] scenarios yeah yeah that make more sense yeah I do you know what I do as

[00:14:31] much terrified for his wife to punch me in the face honey honey you want to

[00:14:36] hear the yeah but you need to be there like this is the one we love this is

[00:14:45] your like well you'd be as supportive as you can right of course but at the end

[00:14:49] of the day and beyond your own capacity yeah like you have to yeah I mean I'm not

[00:14:52] gonna say that I had somebody there all the time to listen to my clothes and

[00:14:57] her poems and whatnot but you know what she she went into the industry that

[00:15:04] she's in doing you know kind of as as hard as I did myself because the guy that

[00:15:11] I had working to basically train me he was just up and left I don't know where

[00:15:15] you know talking about men's mental health I'm pretty sure is bipolar now

[00:15:19] that I have a little bit more experience with yeah mental health looking

[00:15:22] like he probably likely was but come in whistling one day and you know he

[00:15:27] talked to you and another day you'd ask him questions he wouldn't answer a

[00:15:30] single question after a whole day but yeah I mean you know what she went in

[00:15:37] hard and fast and had to learn everything on her own mostly and that's the best

[00:15:42] way to learn man it is really really no no not everyone thrives in it it is

[00:15:48] difficult so is that yeah is that like do you thrive in that I did coming into

[00:15:53] this industry so what was your what was your history like let's talk about

[00:15:58] your career like you you at some point made a decision to like do this for

[00:16:02] yourself I got very lucky I'll say that okay I will be you know what I'm I'm

[00:16:09] humbled to this day for the fact that I got given an opportunity I was I was

[00:16:14] stupid when I was young you know doing all kinds of dumb shit in the street

[00:16:18] the first guy take your eight and fuck off you know for the first time having

[00:16:32] legitimate conversation with one of my parents you know we never really

[00:16:37] understood each other had kind of conversations like that heart to hearts

[00:16:42] or anything like that growing up but for the first time my mom said to me

[00:16:46] what the hell are you doing what how old were you in this happen 19 okay and she

[00:16:53] said what the hell are you doing like I know you're up to something what the

[00:16:55] hell are you doing and you know like I know you you lived at your girlfriend's

[00:16:59] for nine months and then you know you came back and I know you're still

[00:17:02] doing something but you know like I know you're up to something I said mom let's

[00:17:06] sit down let's have coffee at Tim Horton sat in the parking lot explained

[00:17:10] everything to her and she's like oh shit I didn't realize it was that

[00:17:13] and she was like well you please get out of that for me and I was like all I'll

[00:17:18] do what I can to fade out of it for you like what was what sorry what you want to

[00:17:22] elaborate what was happening what was that I mean it was definitely illegal

[00:17:26] that's how you can say anything yeah I was selling some shit that I should be

[00:17:30] selling but I was on the road 20 hours a day yeah and that was my job that

[00:17:35] was what I was doing and yeah like I quit my legitimate jobs which were you

[00:17:42] just awful I was at the time I was working maple leaf foods in the morning to

[00:17:46] the afternoon and then tell solutions tell more exactly like oh yeah and just

[00:17:51] fold absolutely devastating yeah like well selling other things might seem

[00:17:56] appealing at that point oh of course so you know I got into that and then it

[00:18:01] was you know what I knew that it was kind of time to get out because I don't

[00:18:04] know I felt some red flags out there and I knew that it was just time to

[00:18:09] move on and she brought that up to me and we kind of talked and she says you

[00:18:14] know what like at the time her brother gave her branch manager job here in

[00:18:18] Manitoba for the industry that I'm working in and she says I can give you a

[00:18:22] part-time job basically you know sweeping the floor you know fixing the

[00:18:27] shelves isn't that yeah just for the sake of getting you the hell out of

[00:18:30] what you're doing yeah and I said fine I said you know what I'll do it and

[00:18:35] I did it I hated it absolutely hated it and she says okay well you know Robert

[00:18:40] the guy that I was working with he needs some help and can you give him some

[00:18:43] help and you know just be whatever and essentially she was trying to get me to

[00:18:48] apprentice with them okay it came around and I'm not gonna lie to you six

[00:18:52] months went by I was kind of gradually working more hours hated what I was

[00:18:56] doing still because I didn't understand it and it was you know a lot of

[00:19:01] electronics mechanics pneumatics hydraulics you name it and so I just made

[00:19:06] a decision after working with a buddy of mine that came in out of Saskatoon or

[00:19:12] sorry I actually went up to Saskatoon that time and worked with them for a

[00:19:15] week he's really enjoyable guy and I'm still friends with them to this day

[00:19:18] he's got his own company open Saskatoon now but he he kind of

[00:19:24] simplified things for me and he was kind of the first person actually

[00:19:27] talked to me and explained things to me in a way that kind of made sense so were

[00:19:31] you looking for something at that point like what was life like I knew I knew

[00:19:36] that I knew your mom sorry I'm just gonna dial it back a little bit like

[00:19:39] your your mom knew what you were doing yeah because you told her I did we

[00:19:48] sat down ocean what made you tell her you know what I knew I when I say red

[00:19:55] flags about getting out of what I was doing I knew that I was heard of by

[00:20:02] association by some officers of the law yeah you know it was a matter of it was

[00:20:10] just matter of time it was a clock the clock was exactly and I just needed to

[00:20:15] get the hell out of it before I get into or you know that's fair because

[00:20:18] what I was doing it was just not gonna get me in now was this like a big

[00:20:22] separation from kind of the way you were brought up and how like some people

[00:20:27] were brought up in that right and like no you know what I had parents did that or

[00:20:32] their not ever you know what I had absolutely wonderful parents I'm not

[00:20:35] gonna lie to you I'm not gonna say that our relationship was good growing up

[00:20:39] me and my dad two bulls in the house like you're upbringing it wouldn't

[00:20:45] have led you to take that path I don't know it didn't necessarily

[00:20:50] at the end of the day I do have a brother that's two years older than me went down

[00:20:53] a completely different path I mean just doctor no officer my brother is a cop

[00:21:03] your brother is a cop and he did bust me on few things oh shit alright so you got

[00:21:11] off a little easier than you could have maybe yeah I did yeah for sure that's

[00:21:15] what we call privilege a couple points in my life and you know going into that

[00:21:25] job was one of them but you know I established a good relationship with

[00:21:29] my mother later on into my teens me and my dad it wasn't until I moved out that

[00:21:33] we actually started getting along a little bit he did me out of the house

[00:21:37] he said you know what like just get the fuck out of my face was it like a

[00:21:40] personality conflict or was it huge are you the same or are you both very similar

[00:21:45] and it was too many of the same thing if you looked at me at probably 25 years

[00:21:51] old and you're one of my best friends you'd be like wow you guys are identical

[00:21:55] but to this day I mean you know my wife Malita there she'll say you know

[00:22:00] you guys are the exact same like it never fails every time you sit in the

[00:22:03] same room together you just do the same bullshit and yeah happen together

[00:22:08] no she the same as your mom no because that's the theory we all marry our moms

[00:22:13] no and they married dad she um I don't know she's a little bit of everything the

[00:22:20] thing that I love about her is that she's unique from her own family and then

[00:22:25] she's unique from my family so she has so many attributes about her that are

[00:22:30] just they're absolutely beautiful because they're you know I don't know

[00:22:35] they're there's so much of her own thing that I don't know she just owns it so well

[00:22:41] like I don't know about her yeah I know I don't mean to get down to listen to it

[00:22:48] but but you know when you go through relationship after relationship and

[00:22:52] it's just like I don't know you're trying to find something specific so how is

[00:22:55] that like okay well let's jump to a different place like how has that

[00:23:00] been so you met her you guys were from what I understand you guys are

[00:23:05] friends and then it turned into something or you know have I been lied to for six

[00:23:10] months no we were friends actually you know what let me back pedal even a little

[00:23:15] bit further because and I don't know if I'm gonna end up taking this whole

[00:23:19] thing and rewind or if I should just start way back in the beginning but when

[00:23:24] it comes to me and her anyway somewhere five years ago or something

[00:23:33] we I don't know we just ran into each other as matter her being a friend of a

[00:23:39] girl that I was dating at the time and me and her just sitting in my kitchen my

[00:23:45] girlfriend at the time sitting in the backyard with her and a couple other

[00:23:50] girls or whatever and me and Malitza are talking and I'm just I'm prying at

[00:23:55] her mind because she's just got this genius about her and she's also got

[00:24:00] this like other attribute about her that is reminds me of me when I was young

[00:24:07] just very ambitious no idea what the hell you're gonna do and no opportunity and I

[00:24:14] went I want you to work for me one day and I thought to myself like I was lucky

[00:24:19] enough to be given an opportunity you deserve because she just you know and

[00:24:23] I've heard her stories both you know working for her ex's company and

[00:24:28] trying to help him get it turned around when he was just shit in the bed and

[00:24:31] everything else like that and she turns back to me and she says that's not the

[00:24:35] first time you ever said that to me she said you said that to me when I was 18

[00:24:40] I was like are you kidding me I don't even remember to see anyone here 18

[00:24:43] she like honest-of-God and she's like no I was serving at the bar there and

[00:24:47] she says you know I served you drinks and just the way I was talking

[00:24:51] and you said I talked very professionally and that you know what

[00:24:56] if you were ever self-employed you'd love to hire me one day and I think I was

[00:25:01] you know prior to that or that experience was two years prior to me becoming

[00:25:06] self-employed but I had the expectation of being there so okay so let's go

[00:25:11] back so you were doing something you needed to get out of yeah so talk to

[00:25:17] your conversation with your mom like what was your what was what was that

[00:25:22] experience like for you not talking to your mom but like what was that doing

[00:25:26] something you knew like this isn't this could potentially not end well well it

[00:25:31] couldn't just not ended well for me for one but it could have not ended well

[00:25:35] for my family I mean I wish I had you know the you know retrospect back

[00:25:43] then to to see that you know what I was doing to my family I didn't understand

[00:25:51] anything as well as I should have obviously because I was a dumb kid but you

[00:25:55] know I was that kid that 13 years old 12 13 you know out drinking doing stupid

[00:26:00] shit and you know running away from home going to raves you name it right but

[00:26:05] you know since I was really young all kinds of issues with me my kids took

[00:26:09] me to therapists or my parents sorry took me to therapists and everything

[00:26:13] and couldn't figure out what the hell is wrong for me I just what was the

[00:26:18] issue that they thought I was I like were you just defiant or was it I was

[00:26:23] extremely defiant I was I was just a lot of issues in school and I'd get into

[00:26:32] fights and I'd and then meeting the old man back home we would always be going

[00:26:38] back and forth so in retrospect given that you're older now and you've been

[00:26:42] through that process not to say it doesn't still apply but like what

[00:26:47] was that well what do you feel like what what do you when you reflect on it

[00:26:51] what was that for you well there's two terms of thinking for me on it one is

[00:26:55] that you know like I look at my old man stand up guy absolutely stand up guy

[00:27:00] but he did not really have much of a father his dad drank seven days a week

[00:27:04] and he says he said me at one point he says if you woke up early enough

[00:27:07] on a Sunday morning he says you'd see that guy sober nicest guy you ever

[00:27:11] met in your life but unless that was the case you know he came home or

[00:27:16] left the butcher shop every day went to the the gay Cavaliers they used to call it

[00:27:21] oh just get absolutely loaded and and then he'd come home and just you know if

[00:27:28] he felt like stopping somebody around he would and my dad he had a mentally

[00:27:32] challenged brother at the time too and and his mother wasn't allowed to work

[00:27:35] because the old man says I'm the only one that works so I pay the bills

[00:27:40] but then he spent all his money on booze and he couldn't pay the bills so

[00:27:43] my dad was working and for the last 20 years of or 20 plus years of my father's

[00:27:50] father's life he didn't realize that his wife was working at the Legion the entire

[00:27:55] time because he was drinking so fucking much so my dad didn't have a dad and I

[00:28:00] never got to respect him for that until I got older until I actually

[00:28:04] understood it and so I was just to be fair I was a piece of shit as a kid

[00:28:08] now did that change how did that without him knowing that because he didn't know

[00:28:14] it when he was raising you like how did that affect how do you think your

[00:28:17] relationship with your dad would have been different had he had that have been

[00:28:21] different like if you thought about that oh I just take it for what it is and

[00:28:25] I think about that every day because I mean that's the one thing that I'd love

[00:28:28] to correct if you know we go forward with having kids right yeah is the fact

[00:28:33] that he just he didn't have the emotional stability you know he had he had so much

[00:28:39] frustration and so much stress in his life and he wasn't reaching the goals that

[00:28:42] he wanted to reach in his life at the time and things kind of weren't going his

[00:28:46] way and like it was just down down right just yeah shit right and is that

[00:28:51] like a man's journey from that generation is that a good way to put

[00:28:59] sure yeah I mean I was just gonna say like it's it I get related so much because

[00:29:04] like my dad like he wasn't like he he was very involved with with his family as

[00:29:10] far as I know but like he never like I knew my grandparents they died very

[00:29:13] early but I know there was I believe there's nine siblings 11 altogether about

[00:29:19] two died at birth and there's nine siblings and it was I know it was very

[00:29:24] strict because my grandma from my dad's side was the one with the whip and like it

[00:29:29] was very structured and like there was and I've talked about the episode about

[00:29:33] like my upbringing like my dad never really showed any he wasn't really a

[00:29:38] father figure other than he was a provider yeah he brought the man had

[00:29:44] a lot of work too but yeah like it's he was the man he had to fix the car he

[00:29:49] had to do the fixing and the manly work yeah yeah I've had so many conversations

[00:29:54] in the last like five or six days about this provider concept I think can we put

[00:30:00] that in the parking lot and maybe dig into that because I yeah I have this

[00:30:04] whole impression of it for myself and I'd love to talk to you guys about that

[00:30:07] but not right now let's move that on but yeah I mean when it comes down to

[00:30:12] it you know what he didn't have didn't understand how to be the best father

[00:30:17] that he could be but he knew that he had to try to be a father sure and so he

[00:30:21] thought maybe that's that is the best thing that he can do well you know what

[00:30:25] and he was hardest shit on me and my brother you know what he was a little

[00:30:28] less hard on but my brother was less of a prick than I was growing up my dad

[00:30:33] for the record I appreciate it but you know what like one thing I'll say is

[00:30:38] that like my dad he didn't drink growing up like he I mean he'd

[00:30:43] occasionally have a beer or two here with his buddies and stuff like dad

[00:30:46] but like I don't think that guy got drunk for 20 years must have been turned off

[00:30:49] by it he was so turned off yeah like he given how he was brought up and what

[00:30:54] happened and so like he's but he you know being a very he became a very

[00:31:00] critical person through the inability to relax sometimes the bride he does that

[00:31:04] yeah but it also yeah that critical it's a double edged like that

[00:31:08] criticalness like passed on to me so much I didn't know about my dad that

[00:31:12] he was an alcoholic until later on because when I was growing up I remember

[00:31:16] it was like oh dad doesn't drink I'm like oh okay cool that's that was the normal

[00:31:22] thing and I found out why he was in his because he was an alcoholic had to go to

[00:31:27] rehab he went to rehab yeah and then he had to literally like my mom basically

[00:31:33] gave him an ultimatum like when she was pregnant with me saying like hey

[00:31:37] you either fuck off or you stop drinking you know so but it's that happened with

[00:31:44] my grandpa my mom's dad I didn't know until I was like probably 30 years old

[00:31:49] yeah but like he they used to live in clonobc okay and they came to visit

[00:31:56] well that's why I hate it well I hate PC everybody knows that anyone who knows

[00:32:00] me knows I hate PC but I guess he had come to visit and at that time he

[00:32:06] was like a heavy drinker yeah and I had no idea I don't remember him is that I

[00:32:10] don't and I was young and he died before that grandpa died before I was old enough

[00:32:16] to have a lot of memories but like there was a moment my mom told me about where

[00:32:20] she was like hey if you're gonna show up and expect to be around our kids and

[00:32:24] are like my kids and our family like if you're gonna drink like you're

[00:32:29] not welcome to be here so don't ever come back and like I only found that

[00:32:32] when I was like fucking 30 yeah like would it what a weird like and I think we

[00:32:38] all have that generation before us that behaved similar yeah and the generation

[00:32:44] before them that like was very different like we talk about Brandon we talk

[00:32:48] about your dad and your grandpa like this was the same for me it was like my

[00:32:52] mom and my grandpa yeah and like my grandpa was clearly very sick or

[00:32:57] sorry my great grandpa was clearly very sick my grandpa was sick and like our

[00:33:03] parents have kind of pushed through some of that you talk about your dad like he

[00:33:07] wouldn't rarely ever have a drink well no shit well yeah given his experience I

[00:33:13] mean and to add to add to all of that I mean my parents came to the decision

[00:33:18] that they were gonna wait till he was either he drank himself to death or

[00:33:23] he was in the hospital and couldn't leave before they actually had their

[00:33:26] wedding so that he wouldn't be there oh that's how that's how bad he was okay

[00:33:30] yeah so I mean do you have memories of him no he was dead before I was okay and

[00:33:35] my other grandfather I was I think one or something like okay I never really

[00:33:39] knew my grandfather's at all and the other one pretty much the opposite like

[00:33:43] very solid humble family man very big community guy like he has a park named

[00:33:49] after him and like you know he did all kinds of things he was like the you know

[00:33:54] city of Winnipeg Santa like proclaimed as that for several years and stuff so

[00:33:59] it's like complete opposite yeah complete opposite so you're a mix of the two

[00:34:03] very conflicting well the devil and the angel on the shoulder do we talk about

[00:34:07] yesterday you know what it and it's funny because there's a devil in the

[00:34:10] angel and then there's you know all the attributes of different things that

[00:34:14] I took from my you know career and life experiences from both sides my

[00:34:17] family that actually were so far on different spectrums that I got the

[00:34:22] ability to learn from them and growing through that has been actually a really

[00:34:27] wonderful wonderful treat that I've had the privilege have in my life so you

[00:34:32] would talk to me earlier before the show I'm not just like bringing this up

[00:34:37] randomly we talked about it before the show but like you wanted to talk a

[00:34:40] little bit about like you've you've had some experience with your mental

[00:34:45] health and depression and things like that like when was so we've kind of

[00:34:49] covered like what brought you up to I guess about two years before you went on

[00:34:55] your own for your business why don't we get into those two years and then going

[00:35:01] on your own to be an entrepreneur or solopreneur as I'm calling it maybe

[00:35:05] that's a degrading is that a fucking condescending term it's not degrading

[00:35:09] to me I'm solo I actually like that I I've never heard that term before

[00:35:14] I like it because of my wife because like yeah she's that's what she is and I

[00:35:19] like it because yeah it makes sense like yeah you work for yourself yeah it's

[00:35:23] just your own thing and you make all your own decisions and like that's the

[00:35:26] fucking get me wrong my website says we in every yeah yeah it doesn't matter

[00:35:32] but like but you wouldn't believe that I could manage as many things as I

[00:35:36] could you know you have multiple personalities right you gotta be

[00:35:40] as many people as you can do whatever you gotta deal with we're

[00:35:43] gonna take a quick break and then I would like to get into the next phase of

[00:35:47] your life after that that works for me hey Tommy among all the episodes we've

[00:35:52] recorded you know there's one common theme and that's getting therapy we've

[00:35:57] talked about it lots many many times you had a really tough time making that

[00:36:01] first phone call I had a tough time making that first phone call I didn't

[00:36:06] even know if the person I was gonna see was the right person but you got

[00:36:09] to just try thank goodness we have a sponsor that makes it way easier now

[00:36:14] better help has an online platform that allows you to fill out a questionnaire

[00:36:19] they connect you with a therapist and you get to communicate with them however

[00:36:23] you want so whether that's text messaging that's emails that's through

[00:36:28] their app that's video chats you get all those options and it makes it way

[00:36:32] less scary to be connected with someone and if you're not into the

[00:36:36] person you talk to they'll sign you another one right away I've gotten a

[00:36:40] sign mine already and I can't wait to use it like by the time you hear this I

[00:36:44] will have had my first session and I'm super pumped to talk about it on the

[00:36:47] show yeah I'm very excited about it and like it's very easy to sign up it

[00:36:51] took us maybe five minutes to sign up and you answer just simple questions and

[00:36:57] next thing you know you got a message that there you'll be paired up with

[00:37:02] therapists and within the same day we got the therapist already and the name and a

[00:37:07] message from them and we were able to communicate with them so it's extremely

[00:37:10] easy so please go to better house on yeah that's the thing better help calm

[00:37:17] slash a quiet riot show and you get to also enjoy a 10% offer your first

[00:37:23] month if you sign up using this link so again right here I'm gonna be doing

[00:37:29] from here yeah it's better help am I screwing it out com slash quiet riot show

[00:37:35] um yeah sign up today and you'll you're not gonna regret it because I'm already

[00:37:41] enjoying it to just the fact that we connected with therapist me too man thank

[00:37:46] you to better help for supporting this podcast okay so I want to get into a

[00:37:50] little bit of cuz this is a huge interest of mine and I think Tommy we

[00:37:58] talked about this yesterday when we were recording but like the process of like

[00:38:02] going from working for someone else to working for yourself and I think there's

[00:38:07] a there's a journey there and I'd like to talk about that a little bit so like

[00:38:12] you said you were there was a two-year period sort of between a significant

[00:38:18] career path and then deciding to go on your own yeah what was that for you

[00:38:25] well I mean when I was younger when I was much younger I mean like I said I did a

[00:38:32] bunch of stupid shit when I was younger making money was the ultimate goal yeah

[00:38:37] and I knew that I wanted to be self-employed one day so it was always in

[00:38:41] the back of my mind I worked for a company for your dad ever self-employed

[00:38:46] yeah he was for well pretty much almost his whole life okay put it that way so

[00:38:53] do you suspect that's probably where that desire stemmed from a little bit from

[00:38:59] my dad okay I have four uncles on my mom's side the one uncle was the one

[00:39:06] that owned the company that I worked for okay his biggest automatic door

[00:39:10] company in Western Canada at the time and then two other uncles self-employed

[00:39:15] another one worked in banking so I got the opportunity to see both sides of my

[00:39:22] family you know what I you know directly from my father you know what he tried to

[00:39:27] do and what he what opportunities he missed out on and I had that opportunity

[00:39:33] to learn that from both sides of the family nonetheless and so I worked for

[00:39:37] this company for about almost 10 years and basically after eight years of being

[00:39:45] in that company they went through an acquisition my uncle sold it to basically a

[00:39:50] global conglomerate yeah and you know what they're the kind of company that

[00:39:54] they were at the time they were just going on a shopping spree yeah by the

[00:39:58] time they approached them I think they owned 103 companies by the time

[00:40:01] they actually actually got the acquisition done they owned like 118 I

[00:40:05] went through a very so similar thing and it wasn't even a fat or slow of an

[00:40:10] acquisition they were literally just buying companies right and so I knew

[00:40:15] exactly what they were doing and how they function they just want their

[00:40:18] soldiers in line and so it was like okay I know that I'm gonna have to have an

[00:40:22] exit out of here eventually yeah me and the sales guy at the time he became

[00:40:28] the part of the dream team I called it okay he you know what he was every

[00:40:34] did everything the company wanted I knew that eventually it was gonna be me or

[00:40:38] him and it ended up he came out on top and he was a glamour child and I had to

[00:40:44] get the hell out of there so who were you how old are you at this point 30 years

[00:40:50] old okay sorry 29 okay and who who were you at this point what was your life

[00:40:54] what was going on in your life what was like these things I'm gonna call them

[00:41:01] risks like you were prepared you were preparing yourself to take a risk I

[00:41:05] calculated one maybe nonetheless but like you were preparing for a risk and so

[00:41:09] like who were you at that point to a to yourself like who were you what how did

[00:41:15] you view yourself how did you I definitely could have viewed myself a little

[00:41:19] bit better you know what I I was in a relationship a bad relationship it was

[00:41:24] the battle it was bad at the time oh god I didn't know as bad from the start

[00:41:28] but it went on for three years okay anyway yeah just in there you know

[00:41:32] what don't date servers right I'm not gonna say don't date servers but don't

[00:41:41] date servers I get off their shift and stay at the bar you know so that

[00:41:45] becomes her whole life right yeah and yeah wake up at four the next day and go

[00:41:48] back to work but that's what I did and I went through this relationship with

[00:41:53] this girl did love her I will admit that yeah but it was toxic as hell and you

[00:42:03] know what I spent she hated working at the place that she worked at she hated

[00:42:06] the owners they you know they tried to get with all the girls and she wasn't

[00:42:10] one of those girls and so they tried ousting her and she wasn't taking it

[00:42:14] and she was just you know wanted to stick around and and you know figure

[00:42:18] out what she needed to do but I kept telling her at least get on days so

[00:42:23] that you're getting your life a little bit in order and then you know what let's

[00:42:26] start working on some of your hobbies that you're talking about let's try and you

[00:42:29] know focus on a better path forward yeah and she just kept going down this

[00:42:35] path and giving and she had huge anxiety too so dealing with her anxiety on top

[00:42:41] of trying to get her focused on this I'm just expelling everything that I

[00:42:45] have to try and help her and I didn't realize that I was letting myself go

[00:42:50] through the process so I literally I was just like exhausted by the end of this

[00:42:56] relationship and I just I didn't realize that I was like driving myself into a

[00:43:01] depressive state in my life where I quit talking to my friends I quit focusing on

[00:43:07] you know the things that I enjoy in life the things that I enjoy or you

[00:43:11] know the enjoyment that I got at work and stuff like that separated yourself

[00:43:14] from completely yeah and I gave everything I could to just try to help

[00:43:20] her because that's what I thought was for whatever reason your job is important

[00:43:24] when you thought it was your job like it's your responsibility similar to your

[00:43:27] story that yeah in a relationship both both sides you have to put in the

[00:43:33] effort right yeah it's only one sided while that relationship is gonna go to

[00:43:38] shit yeah right yeah and you know what like I look back and respectively I

[00:43:44] wasn't prepared to deal with her anxiety properly yeah I was still coming out of

[00:43:51] a point in my life where you know like I spent every every portion of my life

[00:43:58] prior to that basically stigmatizing the shit out of mental illness okay and

[00:44:03] I've been through depression and everything else like that before that but

[00:44:07] I just thought it's you know it's shitty time get through it fine despite

[00:44:12] how bad it gets you know like just suck it up the suck it up mentality and that's

[00:44:16] that was the moment that relationship was the moment of my life that really

[00:44:20] frickin humbled me because it took me down to the lowest low that I've ever

[00:44:23] been at and I you know what I got to the end of that relationship and just

[00:44:29] after New Year's like that she dumped me and I go why are you fucking kidding

[00:44:34] me because I told her I said you know what I'm thinking about walking

[00:44:36] out of this freaking life I am so done and I am so exhausted and I just I

[00:44:42] don't have anything that I love anymore you know you giving it all up yeah like I

[00:44:47] just I I lost passion and everything yeah I absolutely lost passion everything and

[00:44:52] I I don't know she just I guess she as they tend to say women when they you

[00:45:00] know go into their go into a breakup of relationship they broke up six months

[00:45:04] ago and often as the case I think that was a case with her yeah she was

[00:45:10] done long before she actually said I can see some of that

[00:45:13] parallel with what I've been through for sure yeah but that was definitely the

[00:45:17] case with her I could tell and so you know what I sat there and wallowed in my

[00:45:23] my bullshit and and grieved you know and tried to think and you know what am

[00:45:30] I gonna do and every day I just sit in the house I didn't have any work for

[00:45:34] the last three months because I was just so slow were you already on your

[00:45:39] own I was yeah I was self-employed for about a year okay a bit year and a

[00:45:43] half or something I think and I didn't know what the hell do but I'm sitting at

[00:45:48] home doing no work trying to come up with something staring at the dog going

[00:45:52] I can't leave you yeah and I know that seems silly to some people that don't

[00:45:57] own animals but if you do you understand that a hundred percent you

[00:45:59] know Tommy won't get it sorry like Jacob doing the same thing oh okay

[00:46:06] that's my child you know and I even though I'm not a dog owner I can I believe a

[00:46:14] dog would really benefit me well it's a dependent it's something that is

[00:46:18] dependent on you and even though they're like there's that joke that like find

[00:46:22] out who's your best friend lock your wife in the dog into their trunk and

[00:46:25] when you open it up see who's gonna be happy to see you and it's true right

[00:46:30] always the dog is super pumped to see you right yeah and your wife's not in

[00:46:35] France right now is she no she's there yeah

[00:46:42] but I know it's a companion that's what they say well it's your friend it's a

[00:46:48] it's a love you no matter what it's a sense of purpose it's a sense of

[00:46:52] especially from something that is forever dependent on you yeah like a

[00:46:58] child grows up and grows out of that like my daughter she's 12 and she is not

[00:47:03] nearly as dependent on me as she was four years ago five years ago and so like

[00:47:09] even a year ago yeah even even fucking maybe yesterday I don't know but like

[00:47:13] it's I get that yeah I mean it gives you purpose and when you're feeling

[00:47:19] like shit and when you're feeling down or and I'm just speaking for myself I

[00:47:23] wouldn't speak for you but like what I'm feeling like shit or I'm feeling

[00:47:26] down or that shit has happened like that thing still needs you the same way

[00:47:32] that you've yeah always treated it so it's the same amount of needs it's always

[00:47:36] had so it's a big part of your heart yeah of course yeah because you know what

[00:47:39] yeah I mean love is love I believe that you know and whether you know an animal

[00:47:43] can properly feel love or not is you know that a completely irrelevant they

[00:47:48] show affection we feel it well we feel it and they do feel they do show

[00:47:52] affection and so and you know I've had a lot of people in my life and and a lot

[00:47:57] of people I've loved that have come and gone and you know we were talking about

[00:48:00] this earlier 10 you know 20 funerals before your 20 you know like I've

[00:48:05] been to so many it changes you a lot but I will say this my dogs 11 tomorrow

[00:48:11] he's big shepherd he's 130 pounds and you know so he's in the back end of

[00:48:14] his life yeah when that dog goes yet you know home stress it reminds me of

[00:48:19] the first time I saw my father cry he didn't cry at his father's funeral

[00:48:23] buddy cried when their first cat died yeah because that was his boy yeah that

[00:48:29] was his companion well it's a different relationship yeah like when his I mean we

[00:48:34] talked about your dad and his dad and like that'd be a very conflicting hard

[00:48:39] moment yeah but like but you're fucking cat or your dog like oh you've just

[00:48:43] been happy to see me every time I've been around and like that's a hard thing

[00:48:47] to deal with so I mean you know to get back on track and you know that dog kept

[00:48:54] me alive that he you know I mean I had two decisions I had the decision to

[00:49:00] get my infairs in order and and make a plan to get the hell out of here or to

[00:49:06] get the hell back to work and figure something out yeah and I made the

[00:49:10] decision to get back because he had a lot of years ahead of him and he

[00:49:14] didn't serve that and you know what even if it was just me and him for the longest

[00:49:18] time I couldn't give a shit so was it did it get it got dark enough to a point

[00:49:23] where you actually like I we're thinking about I was selling shit and I was I was

[00:49:28] you didn't give a fuck yeah I knew this I knew that I didn't want to leave a

[00:49:34] bunch of burden yeah behind so I just I didn't I started selling shit and I

[00:49:38] started yeah try to you know clear my life up a little bit right and and I

[00:49:43] hadn't talked to lawyers or anything like that's usually a bad sign yeah yeah but I

[00:49:48] mean I never knew if I would have the balls pull the trigger when it came to

[00:49:52] it but sure I just knew that I didn't want to leave a fucking mess behind

[00:49:56] yeah and my because I know my family deserves a lot better than them too but

[00:50:00] I put myself in this position because of my choice in my life and that's where

[00:50:07] I could either stay or I could move on from and so I chose to move on and I'm

[00:50:13] not gonna lie to you I made that choice consciously and I embraced it as much as

[00:50:19] I could the following week I I knocked on some doors and stuff like that and I

[00:50:27] got a call a few days a few days later from a company that gave me just a

[00:50:32] shit pile of work and got me back to feeling better about you know I'm working

[00:50:38] again and purpose yeah I got a little bit of purpose back in life and and I'm not

[00:50:42] gonna lie to you to this day if I'm short on work that's the thing that drives

[00:50:46] me the most because it I feel like I'm losing purpose I'm losing momentum

[00:50:50] yeah but it I started feeling good again and I wasn't out of the woods

[00:50:55] but you know I started feeling good again and that ex-girlfriend calls me

[00:50:59] if you like a few weeks later and she says how you doing I'm like I'm a lot

[00:51:03] better and she's like what the hell you know I'm hiding a little bit behind

[00:51:09] but but at the same time I was doing a little bit better she's like are you

[00:51:13] sure like and in that moment I realized that she totally accepted the fact that

[00:51:17] I said that to her and she didn't give a shit yeah she walked away from that

[00:51:20] and felt a little bit guilty about it right and I was like well whatever I

[00:51:24] mean that's up to you I said you know what I'm I had two choices and you

[00:51:27] left me at this point and so I'm gonna move on from that point and so this point

[00:51:32] in my life thank you for you know allowing me to figure my shit out yeah

[00:51:38] but that was all I had to do is just figure my shit out and so yeah I mean

[00:51:45] I'll be humble enough to say that every part of my life I definitely owe

[00:51:51] something to somebody everywhere down the line I think we all do yeah but

[00:51:55] that was the one point of my life and even people thank you for putting me in

[00:51:58] in that position maybe I needed it but yeah it was up to me to make that decision

[00:52:03] like even felt like I actually could own the good people who give us kindness and

[00:52:08] encouragement and support and love I don't know if it's that much like it's

[00:52:13] it's the best ever and I'm grateful for every person that's done that for

[00:52:17] me but also like the people have given me the reminders and the lessons

[00:52:21] and the medicine that I needed with things that I wasn't doing well or wasn't

[00:52:25] looking out for myself for or was destructive in my life like I'm almost

[00:52:31] as equally grateful for those people yeah like my shitty ex that we touched on

[00:52:37] and like I didn't I talked about on the first show we did the first show

[00:52:41] I did I've made the joke a number of times but like I should send her a

[00:52:46] thank you letter yeah it's like if not for her doing the shitty thing she

[00:52:50] did like I wouldn't have the life I have today yeah and I'm grateful that like I

[00:52:55] use like you Brandon like I use that as an opportunity and I was I was strong

[00:53:00] enough just strong enough to turn that into something good for myself a lot of

[00:53:06] people aren't and like if you're listening and you're feeling like you're

[00:53:10] not hang in there because you can and there'll be a moment and there'll be

[00:53:14] one decision you get to make that like pulls you just a tiny bit further

[00:53:18] forward and that is the biggest and it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to

[00:53:21] change your entire life but like if it can change your five minutes if it can

[00:53:25] change your 10 minutes your hour your day your week your month like every one

[00:53:29] of those things is important and if you can do one of them you can probably do

[00:53:33] two and if you can do two you can probably do four yeah and like making

[00:53:36] those decisions a lot of the time is so key it is about finding momentum but

[00:53:41] I mean yeah don't get me wrong when that light is so small you can barely

[00:53:44] it's really hard to hold on hold on and believe that there's a tomorrow

[00:53:50] that's gonna come it's weird you have to you actually have to decide to do those

[00:53:53] things when you don't actually believe there is you have to force yourself

[00:53:58] like you you'll never you'll never do those things when you think things can

[00:54:02] be good because if you did you would just be doing them right yeah and it's

[00:54:05] like the weirdest thing for me like when it's shit it's shit and it's all

[00:54:11] shit and like why am I even deciding to do this thing that might be good like

[00:54:15] everything shit but you do it and that's like oh fuck 99% shit yeah but 1%

[00:54:21] isn't shit I just figured that out yeah and like it's the hardest time to make

[00:54:26] that decision but also the most significant you know what the following

[00:54:32] that sorry go ahead no I just want to say like that that those times though

[00:54:36] like what helped me and I think a lot of people found a way to like you find

[00:54:42] that one person that you're comfortable with in life and I think just like kind

[00:54:47] of telling one person at least to know what you're going through because even

[00:54:52] that one person might give you that little nudge that you need right but

[00:54:56] yeah sometimes we're just alone so your person was your dog that was the dog

[00:55:00] that gave you that nudge that hey you know what yeah there's other ways to

[00:55:03] was there was there anyone else that you were talking about this with at that

[00:55:08] point you know what I am friends family I really lost anybody I I spent time

[00:55:15] with friends a little bit here and there I had lost a lot because I was at

[00:55:20] that point where like I was probably just awful to be around and I kind of

[00:55:26] got that you know and like I even went through a point it might even been

[00:55:30] a year later or something like that where I was still going through a lot of

[00:55:33] shit but like I said oh you know what I'm gonna I'm gonna give it a month and see

[00:55:38] you know I'm not gonna call any my friends see who calls me right yeah month

[00:55:42] one month also for the record that's don't ever do that by them you can

[00:55:45] never do that yeah it's not a good relationship sort of results are not

[00:55:50] valuable they do not represent reality but like literally three months went by

[00:55:55] and I'm like what the fuck and also it's hockey season I didn't really

[00:55:59] watch a lot of hockey with my buddies but they're all in their fantasy

[00:56:02] leaves and this and that whatever it's like you put you be a part of whatever

[00:56:06] yeah but I you know I'd more or less hang out with my buddies in summer and

[00:56:10] stuff like that and whatever it was what it was but that was that was a horrible

[00:56:15] idea that didn't that didn't take me down I think it fails no matter what

[00:56:20] oh yeah happens even if you're not going through anything and you

[00:56:24] actually like tell yourself oh I'm not gonna call anybody for three months

[00:56:28] no one's gonna call you yeah don't put pressure on people they are unaware of

[00:56:32] there's pressure on you know what if there's one thing I believe in I'm not

[00:56:37] very religious or anything if there's one thing I believe in its energy and

[00:56:41] so like respectively when you make that kind of decision you've already put

[00:56:45] out the wrong energy I didn't decide that I did look back and I'm like okay

[00:56:55] that makes a lot more I'm gonna call him one for three months and I'm gonna see

[00:56:58] who fuck that sounds like something your girl would do right but you know not to

[00:57:02] insult anybody yeah it sounds like something like but to be fat a

[00:57:07] girlfriend would do yeah like well they didn't call me so I'm not calling

[00:57:11] them we'll see when they call me it's like that's an awful experiment if

[00:57:14] you love someone like maybe just foam them but you know what I was so

[00:57:17] alone and so just like not talking to anybody that I you know what I

[00:57:21] don't mean to laugh it's sense at the time probably right but that was just a

[00:57:27] thing right like I was in this point in my life where like I spent so much time

[00:57:30] alone that man you do not spend more time self-reflecting than when you're

[00:57:36] depressed and talk to nobody correct you know and and so like you almost get

[00:57:40] to a point of self-reflection where you're like almost elusive in your

[00:57:45] reflection because you're like just talking shit to yourself sometimes and

[00:57:49] like none of this shit makes sense you're overthinking things constantly and

[00:57:53] so you're starting to make your life worse in some ways and maybe spirals yeah

[00:57:58] I mean like and so you know if if there's anybody that I can give advice to on

[00:58:03] this if you find yourself in that position just get out of your head and

[00:58:06] go do something yeah like that's the biggest thing if if there's one

[00:58:10] point in my life where I dealt with the least amount of depression when I

[00:58:14] went to the gym you know like it's actually phenomenal you know and you

[00:58:19] haven't even heard that show because it's not oh yeah fair enough we had a huge

[00:58:22] conversation about this with our guest yesterday yeah he was talking about

[00:58:25] just like a quick changing your physiology changing your physical yeah it's all

[00:58:30] right sitting in one room just go to the other room for 90 seconds and like

[00:58:34] move around just move around yeah do something different yeah just do something

[00:58:37] different the whole lesson I think the whole message or the big message I

[00:58:41] received from him which is probably because it's the message I need to receive

[00:58:45] yeah and whatever but like I think the whole thing is like if something's not

[00:58:50] working or doesn't feel good what the only way out of that is to try something

[00:58:54] different but again that is the only way to do it but when you're feeling

[00:58:59] when you're really depressed like it's the hardest thing in the fight like I

[00:59:02] don't know when I went through depression I never knew I was depressed

[00:59:05] until my wife pointed out multiple times you're probably depressed the first

[00:59:09] time she said I'm like get the fuck out of here like where you're talking about I

[00:59:12] don't get depressed if I was depressed I would just change things you know yeah

[00:59:16] I'm just sucking up a fucking move on I didn't see that picture so it's easy to

[00:59:21] say just go to and do something different and it was it was a weirdest thing at

[00:59:25] that point in my life the one person that said that to me was my father he

[00:59:29] and he said you know what man I'd been depressed my whole goddamn life he

[00:59:32] says I don't know what the hell to do about it he says I feel like I'm

[00:59:35] heading towards whatever dead end I get to every day yeah he says but I'm here

[00:59:40] because you guys are here and I was like shit yeah well that's like you know and

[00:59:44] that's such an alignment with how you felt about the dog yeah and you know I

[00:59:48] that kind of helped me appreciate things a little bit more and appreciate my

[00:59:52] position a little bit more he he was the first person I felt like I could

[00:59:59] relate with and then a moment kind of came into my life where a girlfriend of

[01:00:06] mine friend a good friend from you know long time back that I used to work

[01:00:10] with when we were 18 or whatever putting wrapping ribs together at Maple

[01:00:17] Leaf we hated each other when we first started working together and then we

[01:00:21] became great friends years later and she's kind of woman that just look for

[01:00:26] love everywhere moved to Australia to look for love moved to Roblin to look for

[01:00:30] love lived with a farmer for three years but she spent a lot of her life

[01:00:34] depressed and on anti-depressants I just never worked for she never found

[01:00:39] what worked for her I guess but she moved into a place that didn't work

[01:00:45] for she broke her ankle she had to climb stairs every day with 130 pound

[01:00:49] dog I said you know what I got a little bit of room in my heart and a

[01:00:52] little bit of room in my house come on over until you get your shit

[01:00:54] together that was where I learned two very specific things I learned that it

[01:01:00] was good for me to open my heart to somebody but I also learned what it's

[01:01:05] like to look at chronic depression and I realized that never in my life have I

[01:01:10] had chronic depression well it's very significant different but no like

[01:01:16] chronic depression where like you like I've had depression where I can't get

[01:01:21] out of bed you've had bouts of depression yeah and and and you know like you

[01:01:25] you spent a few days like that she she in this room I think we can all safely say

[01:01:29] we've had bouts of but for the year that the year that she lived with me

[01:01:32] every day she couldn't get out of it yeah and I've never understood how

[01:01:37] significant that was until that came to be and you know what it wasn't

[01:01:41] there I could sit there and try and cheer her up but it wasn't a matter

[01:01:45] of cheering her up it was a matter of just trying to help her out as much

[01:01:49] as I could you know here and there in whatever capacity that I could but she

[01:01:54] you know she eventually did find some medication that worked for her and some

[01:02:00] people need that and it but you know like she's two years older than me it took

[01:02:06] her until she was I think 35 to find that medication 15 years of taking

[01:02:11] medication basically yeah to find what actually worked for her to like be

[01:02:16] okay I'm gonna go back to school now and like get my shit together and like I

[01:02:21] can I can finally function and I was like okay I am I appreciate the fact that I

[01:02:26] didn't have to like go through that process well it helps you check yourself

[01:02:31] a little bit when you see it this is gonna sound weird but like when you see

[01:02:35] someone who's worse off than you are like it really puts your picture in

[01:02:40] perspective and yeah it doesn't change how much empathy and sadness I feel for

[01:02:46] the people that struggle worse but man is it a fucking reminder oh it is big time

[01:02:51] oh I was I was going through depression I was sad about a lot of things I

[01:02:59] wasn't depressed like I have a well we kind of have this conversation before

[01:03:06] the feeling of well we talked about anxiety versus actual depression yeah and

[01:03:10] like feeling depressed and having depression are two different things feeling

[01:03:14] anxious and having anxiety are also two different yeah and I think those lines

[01:03:18] have gotten a little too blurry because it's all about kind of get that

[01:03:21] clarification actually there is yeah friends between between those two

[01:03:26] yeah because there is a difference yeah there's a huge I've I've lived with

[01:03:30] someone who is chronically and probably for their I hope not but likely for the

[01:03:36] rest of their life will be depressed and so maybe I am not that maybe I get

[01:03:40] depressed I get sad I get I go through periods of depression that are real and

[01:03:49] they're real to me for sure yeah but it's not that maybe that's like when I

[01:03:54] say chronic depression like if you don't find the right medication

[01:03:59] essentially what I mean is like terminal depression yeah no that's right yeah

[01:04:04] and the same thing and so it's like yeah I mean I've dealt with what I've dealt

[01:04:08] with throughout the velocity of my life but like she if she never found that

[01:04:13] that would be the rest of her life yeah right and it's like okay you do have

[01:04:18] to appreciate that yeah right no way and it's it's tragic yeah it's awful

[01:04:23] to think that someone has to live that way yeah and they do and they live

[01:04:27] like that every day like I live like that for a period and I got to live like

[01:04:31] that for a period some people live like that for ever I know you know coming out

[01:04:37] of that that particular experience with that you know that roommate she ended

[01:04:43] up moving out she was able to kind of find a better situation for herself

[01:04:50] and and feeling better and everything else like that but you know I spent

[01:04:56] the next I spent three years in that bad relationship I spent three years kind of

[01:05:01] alone I wasn't with anybody or anything like that I I don't know if it was a

[01:05:07] subconscious thing but I just like I felt like I didn't deserve to be with

[01:05:11] anybody at that point maybe maybe I blame myself for a lot of the shit

[01:05:16] that I where I was bad throughout all the points in my life and everything

[01:05:21] else like that but I didn't didn't feel like I deserved much but I knew that I

[01:05:27] had to kind of get somewhere with my life so I just focused on work focused on

[01:05:31] work and then along came this woman who I thought was gonna be the thing that

[01:05:40] turned everything around she was definitely the right step went to the

[01:05:46] pissing hole that we're talking about earlier yeah she was bartender and it was

[01:05:52] just one night that she was sitting on the opposite or she was on the opposite

[01:05:55] side of the bar and I'd never seen her on that side of the bar and I said what's

[01:05:59] going on we've never had a conversation part of this other than

[01:06:02] hey can I grab a whatever I'm drinking that night Miller light and a shot of

[01:06:06] whiskey well I didn't drink that back then I was a little less sophisticated

[01:06:09] but if you call that a truly or whatever but you know when I sat beside her and for

[01:06:25] the first time I actually had a conversation and she was going through

[01:06:28] a lot of shit and she was living at her boyfriend's house at the time they broke

[01:06:32] up he was kicking her out but they broke up over the phone or over text or

[01:06:37] that he was working the railroad he was out of town still and he was coming back

[01:06:41] the next day your shit better be out of the house by the time I get home

[01:06:45] really so so I'm like okay that's just fucked true gentleman and the right

[01:06:51] what a great man she ain't got a whole lot of good provider yeah right shit

[01:06:56] hasn't got a whole lot of options so our pissing hole has a hotel attached

[01:06:59] to it and she chose to live into though in in the hotel for the next

[01:07:03] month basically okay so yeah knowing the owners you know working for the owners

[01:07:08] reasonable deal not ideal circumstance by any means but you know you make it you

[01:07:14] make it work and so we kind of got to know each other over the next little bit

[01:07:18] and I said you know what listen I don't do this very often as it turns out I

[01:07:24] do I guess but I said five minutes about to do the same thing I'm assuming

[01:07:34] literally though okay but I felt like you know like you know what fucking she was

[01:07:40] in a shit position and like who the fuck am I to say you know like just help

[01:07:46] help somebody right yeah I'm like I'm helping you get on your fun well and

[01:07:49] it's a man's job to protect women but maybe that's an unpopular opinion but

[01:07:54] that's that is like but I had the only person who can protect women is men but

[01:08:00] I had nothing else from men for sure yeah nothing else I can live for nothing

[01:08:04] else to live for I got a 1250 square foot fucking bungalow that I'm living in

[01:08:09] with me and my dog is this the house you're in now yeah I've lived in the

[01:08:13] house for 16 years okay 17 years I've still never seen it well come on but

[01:08:19] she so you know we make this agreement and okay yeah you're gonna move in next

[01:08:24] week or whatever blah blah blah we have a few drinks at the bar she starts

[01:08:29] kissing me oh my god this is not exactly what I expected but whatever we do

[01:08:35] that and her best friend at the time he's obviously trying to get with

[01:08:38] her yeah that just goes alright and she is in trouble with him and blah blah

[01:08:47] move on down the line she moves in we start dating it was stupid

[01:08:54] inside of the next three months she introduces me to this angel banshee

[01:09:01] that's what I call my wife today oh this isn't even okay okay this isn't even her

[01:09:07] we're talking about that is correct oh I thought we were talking about her

[01:09:10] already this was a stepping stone okay I know the angel banshee by the way what a horrible

[01:09:16] thing to call a person but as I actually got to I've called her worse I came to I came this week

[01:09:20] as I called her worse for sure as I came to get to know her a little bit more it's not that bad

[01:09:25] to be honest with you she's a lovely guy I met you guys only ones before this and she's awesome

[01:09:31] like I just love how outgoing she is like yeah she's okay yeah she's great she you know what am I

[01:09:37] wrong when I say an angel banshee no that is a that's a great description perfect description

[01:09:43] she's a bit of a wildcat that one but you know what god how the hell could I not love her you know

[01:09:48] okay so you met her through this other person through this other person you know sitting in our

[01:09:53] sitting in my kitchen one day and me and this girl we'll call her C she's out in

[01:10:00] deck with a couple other girls or whatever having a couple drinks on a Saturday afternoon

[01:10:04] I see yeah now we went back yeah you mentioned this yeah and me and Malatza my my wife now we're

[01:10:11] sitting in the we're just hanging out in the kitchen talking and and I it kind of came to my

[01:10:17] attention at the time that you know like she was just lost she didn't know what the hell she

[01:10:23] wanted to do she's also you know 11 years younger than me and you know so I'm not taking

[01:10:29] too much to heart at the time but I'm or at least I'm trying not to but the more we talk the more

[01:10:35] we get to know each other the more I'm realizing that there's a part of this woman that's a lot

[01:10:41] like me when I was younger and you know what she she missed opportunities that could have you

[01:10:51] know like she she never had the opportunities given to her when she was younger she you know

[01:10:56] she tried to help out every way that she could in all of her friends and her exes and her ex is

[01:11:03] the pizza oven there and everything else like that sounds like your patterns

[01:11:07] my patterns yeah yeah well I do things sometimes but it's not an insult to just

[01:11:13] but yeah but uh she uh she you know she helped uh helped out her ex-boyfriend there and

[01:11:20] and uh did everything that she could for her friends and stuff like that and then she you know

[01:11:26] just never came out on top and reminded me of myself a little bit but she

[01:11:33] she needed love she had shit parents she had a shit situation shit friends um

[01:11:40] and I'm looking at her going like you need an opportunity and I was privileged enough to be

[01:11:46] given an opportunity when I was around her age or a little bit younger but I said you know what like

[01:11:53] come work for me one day and like you know I don't necessarily have the perfect situation for you

[01:12:01] but come work for me this is what my industry looks like would you be interested and she's

[01:12:07] absolutely interested because you know like she's the same person as I am you know a couple

[01:12:12] credits short from high school threw all her eggs in one basket by not graduating yeah didn't go to

[01:12:16] college for anything no degrees no nothing yeah and you know what that's the truth you throw all your

[01:12:21] eggs in one basket when you decide fuck it I'm not graduating right yeah but uh then you know she

[01:12:29] could have I guess but um I said do you know what if you want to go in the same boat that

[01:12:34] has me then and you want to be what you want to be and you want to embrace who the hell

[01:12:38] you are and you want to be tough then you can and so we went through that together over the next

[01:12:45] I don't know nine months uh but through that process she became my best friend she taught me

[01:12:51] that you know this woman that I was with at the time was horrible to me and and you know like

[01:12:57] just definitely uh wasn't deserving of me or anything like that um and it wasn't until

[01:13:04] you know I look back in retrospect through this entire thing that I realized that you know

[01:13:09] what I needed to get out of that entire situation was to give love and maybe I missed that through my

[01:13:17] 20s um maybe maybe I didn't have enough ability to give love maybe I was trying to receive love more

[01:13:25] maybe I was just too focused on myself I'm not sure maybe he thought you're giving love but

[01:13:29] meanwhile it was something else right but but you know like going through my 20s thinking about

[01:13:35] you know myself and and oh yeah I'm depressed and blah blah blah it was stigmatic right no but those

[01:13:40] are real things and it was just I don't think you should discount that no I know because I think

[01:13:45] that also like that experience shapes who you are and how you behave in the future

[01:13:50] but I mean going through that whole process I mean it really made me realize that okay

[01:13:54] depression is real mental yeah this is real and you know like melissa deals with anxiety or she dealt

[01:14:00] significantly with anxiety at that time and I we're best friends for a year and a half I watch her

[01:14:06] date this guy that just put her through the gutter and you know she lived she got in a bad

[01:14:13] position in her life with her parents couldn't live with either of them and I said you know what

[01:14:17] just move in I guess you know that's my move that's what he does you know fucking move in how big is

[01:14:24] your fucking house you know why my wife kicks me out I know where to go yeah right you can maybe

[01:14:30] come to my house and feeling that for sure Brandon's yeah yeah yeah also it's five minutes for my

[01:14:36] house so you'll be fine um I'll just live it now the entire house okay so I got a question

[01:14:40] what what is that for you what is what so you're talking about giving love I'm here to give

[01:14:46] love I need to give up where at what point does that feed you and sustain you and provide you

[01:14:55] the love you need I think where is that in all of it because there has it has to be there you

[01:15:01] wouldn't be here today if it wasn't you know what like um I don't I don't think I necessarily

[01:15:08] learned as much from my old friend her moving in as I could have but it was a part of the

[01:15:13] process of getting there moving forward actually just giving helping loving doing everything that you

[01:15:22] can to just not like take you know what I mean because at that point I didn't I didn't want anything

[01:15:31] I didn't you know I didn't have much to care for I was just working every day and that's

[01:15:36] all I had to give a shit about yeah and you know towards that point in my life you know like

[01:15:41] when I started dating that girl's first time I started seeing somebody in three years so I

[01:15:46] I was actually a little bit up for the first time in a long time and and so I started looking at my

[01:15:52] business like okay let's let's do something here you know like let's let's kind of work on actually

[01:15:57] building you got energy out of it yeah yeah I got the right yeah it helped me create a little bit

[01:16:02] of momentum and and then I found Melitza and it just man it just evolutionized like how I wanted

[01:16:10] to yeah really rock it towards an actual like I started giving a shit about the future all of a

[01:16:17] sudden again you know and and whereas I only thought about the present prior to loving

[01:16:21] loving somebody with purpose for you and help me get actually as much as good for them

[01:16:29] potentially as it is for you you're somebody somebody that actually required it like that

[01:16:34] never had it and you know what it it helped me pull myself out of where I was despite the

[01:16:41] fact that that wasn't the intention is a purpose is it again well there's that feeling of like

[01:16:47] definitely created it gives you purpose yeah there's that feeling it was never actually helping

[01:16:52] like it's like it's like when you're when you hop out like a homeless person that makes you feel

[01:16:57] better right if you can give somebody as long as you don't sit there and video so when I'm

[01:17:03] yeah right that's the fucking but it's just a feeling of actually making knowing that you

[01:17:09] you've helped that person and then that exchange becomes mutual I've never felt

[01:17:16] the reward of doing the same thing I'd always done which is being kind and generous and caring

[01:17:23] and loving somebody I have never felt the receipt of energy from that as I did when I

[01:17:32] met my wife and my daughter doing something for them selflessly makes me so much stronger

[01:17:43] like I can't even explain it like it there is something about expending energy and love

[01:17:48] and care for them that makes me so much stronger it makes me a better man it makes me a better person

[01:17:55] it makes me better in my interactions throughout that day or throughout that week or whatever

[01:18:00] it is with people like it gives me something to push through harder scenarios and moments in my life

[01:18:08] yeah and it's the weirdest thing to feel when you're expending energy and feeling stronger because of

[01:18:14] it yeah I mean I feel like that's kind of what you're talking about sorry that no no

[01:18:19] more absolute way of saying it but you couldn't be more right I think that's what you're

[01:18:22] trying to say is like you found that thing for you and that may be different for everybody

[01:18:27] for me it I'm not gonna lie to you it didn't feel like I was expelling energy

[01:18:31] well that's the beauty of it until a certain point where like it was she you know she was dating

[01:18:37] this piece of shit guy and and you know what I'm her best friend at the time and I'm not

[01:18:42] gonna lie to you like I just there was not really much there I was trying to help her out and

[01:18:48] you know with a job position and I believed in her I really did believe in her

[01:18:53] and so we became friends through this yeah um and it was just it was going through this friendship

[01:19:00] this and the painful bullshit of trying to get her through this relationship and trying to really

[01:19:06] like trying to help her understand her worth in this relationship yeah that made me kind of just

[01:19:12] slowly slowly fall in love with her and it was lovable no I know but she wasn't always

[01:19:19] bad you know what I say she was an angel banshee you know what she's barely lovable but she was

[01:19:25] on the special she was just a banshee sometimes you know so but it's it's that the that friendship that

[01:19:32] because you've known known her as as a friend right and then and I will admit that's what makes us

[01:19:38] absolutely fucking spectacular to get out she like I mean you know there let's say let's

[01:19:43] say a range arranged marriages right like man I would never I would never marry somebody that I

[01:19:49] never met or I never slept with you know like I like the arranged marriage thing yeah yeah it's a side

[01:19:55] track just for the record I'm on board with it I mean it can work out but but but when you

[01:20:03] when you have this friendship you like the person for who they are because when you're friends

[01:20:07] you're not trying to act like yourself when you go on a date like you know going I I mean

[01:20:13] I was really drunk on my first date with my wife and hi but you know the idea of if she was to

[01:20:20] leave me right now and I had to go date I'm like holy fuck I don't know what I would do please don't

[01:20:25] ever no end up saying that sounds awful but like yeah when you're friends with somebody you know

[01:20:31] that person who they are you already get to know them yeah you know what I could marry you easily

[01:20:36] oh we could kill it oh fuck yeah man I mean with me drunk that's not a bad idea like I'm not gonna

[01:20:42] lie to you want to get in on this yeah I'm not gonna lie to you when I say this like when I

[01:20:49] when I met that woman our humor just collaborated so perfectly like it was so insane that's true

[01:20:55] and it's it's the thing that's hilarious to me about this is that me and my brother we uh we never

[01:21:03] really got along like it's not that we didn't get along we just never became friends yeah we never

[01:21:08] were real brotherly yeah we never found a relationship outside of like our very young childhood

[01:21:14] yeah and we had a lot of stupid shit you know as you are as kids we had our jokes and stuff

[01:21:19] like that I'm not close with my brothers I'm see I'm the other way around and I always kind

[01:21:23] of wanted to be and I love them but like we're not tight but now that me and Melissa are together

[01:21:27] you know like we go to family gatherings at my folks house and me her and my brother we share the

[01:21:32] stupid fucking jokes that we had when we were kids and so it's like actually weirdly bringing

[01:21:37] me and my brother together and I am loving it I am absolutely loving it because it's certain

[01:21:43] to bring like it very very slowly but it's certain to bring a relationship between me and

[01:21:47] my brother together yeah and I know there's nothing that my parents would want more but

[01:21:52] I mean we're getting to a point where my brother turns 40 this year I turn 38 and like come on you

[01:21:57] know like we gotta we gotta pull this shit together bro yeah like your wife and your brother getting

[01:22:02] along that's huge that is huge honestly because like nobody ever really gave a shit and she actually

[01:22:08] like she's like I fucking love your brother yeah she's hilarious and she like she loves hard

[01:22:13] yeah when she loves she loves hard she does and she hates hard so like that's that's the beauty

[01:22:18] of that's the most admittedly true thing I've ever heard and it's great that's that's that's the banshee

[01:22:26] okay so how are we gonna wrap this up uh where are you at today what's your life like

[01:22:35] what's your business like did we actually mention what your business is what you actually do

[01:22:41] I don't think we mentioned it he talked about it I might have said very briefly that I do

[01:22:45] automatic doors but um doors yeah well pedestrian doors anything but overhead doors is what my

[01:22:52] buddies will tell you there you go don't call me I went on a rant don't call me I want an automatic

[01:23:00] garage door then you're in right if it's just a sliding door yet let's do it let's do it so

[01:23:06] you've had a journey clearly and you're or you're still on a journey and your journey has been

[01:23:10] interesting up until this point um how do you feel what's what's in your what's in your sights

[01:23:20] well I'll say where I am right now and we'll have you back on in a year and so like

[01:23:24] and see how bad everything's dwindled down yeah my wife's I lost my banshee

[01:23:32] my banshee ran away I got two other people living in my house I'm a nomad now

[01:23:38] no you know what um I it's weird what do you say something as obscure as you know I've dealt with

[01:23:47] depression the majority of my life you know whether it's you know high heights of it or the absolute

[01:23:52] lows um and to say something as obscure as we're out of the woods yeah um I feel like for me

[01:24:01] it's always just there I feel like my entire life I've been almost kind of prone to depression

[01:24:06] um it's a matter of maintaining good you know habits good uh you know just positive

[01:24:14] reinforcements in your life and and just for the most part just being a good person

[01:24:20] you know because if you're that's my biggest lesson from my entire life is that like you

[01:24:25] know what just be a good man yeah be solid be be there for people yeah be some somebody

[01:24:31] that matters to people and you know what like it's foundational but you'll create a good energy

[01:24:36] about your life and and it'll it'll keep a good energy for your life so um you know I I look at

[01:24:46] that sentence and I think yeah okay maybe it's a little obscure but you know what I got the best

[01:24:51] one by my side that you know what uh some of my circumstances that came from my lowest lows

[01:24:57] going to my highest highs uh allowed me to develop yeah and don't get me wrong I'd be I'd be

[01:25:06] I'd be horribly off if for any reason me and that woman left each other but I I think I actually

[01:25:12] see like the light of life that I can actually work myself through no matter what you with

[01:25:17] anybody else no but that's just a thing that is the absolute truth like I I probably wouldn't

[01:25:22] go out and try and find somebody else because I found the person no you know my wife are the same

[01:25:27] I found my person I'm not with anybody you know it like it took me fucking 34 years it took me 36

[01:25:34] years yeah like come on man I'm not I don't have another I'm not doing that again give me a break

[01:25:39] yeah yeah yeah and like literally I'm literally talking about like the first five years my life is

[01:25:43] that's what it feels like trying to go through that again I think that's such an encouraging

[01:25:47] message though and like I think that like uh I think the three of us in this room and a lot of

[01:25:52] people who listen to this um depression is it's a roommate yeah we all have depression as a roommate

[01:26:01] and yeah but sometimes don't allow it to be your best roommate but sometimes that roommate's around

[01:26:06] and sometimes it's not and sometimes but it's a roommate and it lives with us and it could be

[01:26:11] annoying we just need to learn how to put up with that annoying roommate yeah and like that

[01:26:16] just yell and close the door and tell them feed yourself yeah and so like yeah yeah I think we all

[01:26:21] I think we all live with that and like I I think that's what in a way that's what binds us together

[01:26:28] bonds us to each other and like I think in another way it's it's comforting as a man to

[01:26:34] know and talk to other men who live with depression as a roommate and like

[01:26:39] also like Brandon you and I have such a you know way in a lot of ways a similar story

[01:26:45] and you know I hear you talking and like again I say this every fucking episode and maybe people

[01:26:50] get sick of it but like I get something out of every fucking show that we do and like I really

[01:26:55] mean it when I say like there's so many parallels between you and I and I think that's why we've

[01:27:00] become friends over a pretty short period of time and like I feel so positive about our relationship

[01:27:06] and like and it's odd that like we're just learning that so many more things right like

[01:27:11] you coming to do this show has taught me so many more things that were similar

[01:27:14] well we agreed on this long before like yeah handle the different conversations that we realized

[01:27:21] we had similarities yeah in our early life especially too that you know we uh we went through a lot of

[01:27:27] the same things and built the kind of character that we had to yeah and I think that like we we

[01:27:31] all we do this show but like we don't do the show because we're fit to do the show

[01:27:37] we do the show because we want it yeah well you know we everybody's fit to do the show

[01:27:43] everybody and anybody any man ever is fit to do the show and like and you know what I think a

[01:27:48] beautiful thing about this show is that you know what you got three men here three grown ass men

[01:27:53] that are together and like a 12 year old but oh of course maybe both of you do too so but you

[01:27:57] know what but you know what the beauty of being able to act like a 12 year old in front

[01:28:01] of your buddies is is significant yeah whereas you know like in my younger years I was a tough

[01:28:07] son of a bitch and you know what you live by the stigmatic as you get into your older age

[01:28:12] I think it's so significant for men to try and understand how to do this when you're younger

[01:28:15] especially yeah as I've gotten older I've met guys like you and I've found guys that you know

[01:28:21] what I went from shaking buddy's hands to just get fucking out of your building and

[01:28:27] and find buddies that are like that you know and and make your buddies understand that a little

[01:28:32] bit more yeah because because it's good to just say fuck it I love you bro yeah you know absolutely

[01:28:38] well and I think we're moving through that as a as a species or a group we have to have

[01:28:46] we are moving through that slowly but surely and like we're doing a whole lot better than

[01:28:51] our parents did oh and like I would hope that our kids do a whole lot better than I think

[01:28:57] we're more open than our parents oh for sure we are yeah which I believe I think significant I love

[01:29:02] that and I think we need to encourage each other to continue to do that and so speak up so on those

[01:29:09] terms thank you for being here thank you for having me really appreciate you sharing your story

[01:29:14] and your smoky whiskey oh yeah thank you for that um yeah do you drink coffee occasionally uh so we

[01:29:20] have these mugs for our guests yeah you get one beauty yeah you get one um I mean if you

[01:29:25] don't drink coffee whiskey no no no you can put anything in a mug it's all the same I do I do

[01:29:30] unless I drink too much whiskey the night before then I just yeah I have stories and seen pictures but

[01:29:36] that's our little token of appreciation again thank you so much for being here and sharing with us

[01:29:41] I think like we're all just the every man all of us and like we all have the same struggles

[01:29:49] and the same stories and like we all live in the same world and so I think it's inspiring to have you

[01:29:55] on talking about your experience and I really appreciate that you're willing to share that with

[01:29:58] us I really that means the world to us and it's going to mean the world to someone else listening

[01:30:04] to this and that's why we do this so well thank you so much thanks buddy and cheers yeah for

[01:30:10] the listeners just follow us on yeah he's got to do his thing gotta do my thing right uh all

[01:30:14] the listeners thank you for tuning in today I hope you guys enjoyed uh Brandon

[01:30:23] I really again I think this was one of those episodes again that I didn't say much because

[01:30:27] I was so into like your story and your your great storyteller too so thank you very much for

[01:30:32] sharing all that follow us on instagram at Quiet Riot show send us an email on

[01:30:38] what's the email you know it Quiet Riot show at gmail.com

[01:30:42] yeah fuck yeah come on but you know it's not my job you're actually why am I doing your job

[01:30:47] because I have some news what's your oh I know I was surprised fucking news why does everyone

[01:30:53] surprise me with things that I'm a part of because you hate surprises so much we're actually

[01:30:59] on facebook now as well so oh cool so follow us on facebook as well and don't try to try to grow

[01:31:05] it yeah gotta get the numbers we got nothing to do with these messages out there so thank you again

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