"Managing Anxiety & Depression" with Keith

[00:00:00] You're gonna hang over once we might as well start it.

[00:00:02] Oh, okay.

[00:00:05] Alright.

[00:00:06] The one thing I don't miss about not drinking.

[00:00:09] You drink?

[00:00:11] I haven't drank since August.

[00:00:13] Why?

[00:00:14] Because of the medication I want mostly.

[00:00:17] I mean that's good. I'm not...

[00:00:19] Sorry.

[00:00:20] Why?

[00:00:21] Get the fuck out of here.

[00:00:22] That was kind of a rude response to that.

[00:00:25] I didn't intend it to come out that way.

[00:00:27] It did? But that's okay.

[00:00:29] That's our tense.

[00:00:30] It's all fine.

[00:00:32] Oh jeez.

[00:00:42] Well, welcome to The Quiet Riot Show everybody.

[00:00:50] Yeah, I don't know what episode this is.

[00:00:53] This will be like twenty...

[00:00:54] Something, twenty-three.

[00:00:56] Yeah, in the twenties.

[00:00:57] It's crazy. I can't believe we're in the twenties already.

[00:00:59] I know. I'm excited.

[00:01:01] Yeah.

[00:01:02] So, yeah, we got a special guest today.

[00:01:05] It's not just me and Tommy, thank goodness.

[00:01:07] Yeah, sitting across the table.

[00:01:09] Yeah, he's sitting across the table from us.

[00:01:11] This is Keith.

[00:01:12] Hi.

[00:01:13] And I don't...

[00:01:14] There was some discussion about your last name before we started

[00:01:16] and I'm ready to try it.

[00:01:17] Keith the listener.

[00:01:18] Keith the listener.

[00:01:19] Yeah, he's actually one of our listeners which is

[00:01:21] super cool to meet somebody that actually

[00:01:23] we don't know personally

[00:01:25] and listens to our show

[00:01:27] and I fucking love that.

[00:01:29] It's awesome. Thanks for listening, man.

[00:01:31] No problem.

[00:01:32] How did you hear about our show?

[00:01:34] Well, I've listened to the Dave and Wheeler podcast...

[00:01:37] or Dave Wheeler...

[00:01:38] Tommy, Dave and Wheeler.

[00:01:40] The Wheeler podcast and my wife follows your wife

[00:01:43] on Instagram and all that stuff.

[00:01:46] So just like kind of word of mouth.

[00:01:48] We happen to be like see it pop up

[00:01:50] and we're just like, oh let's check it out.

[00:01:52] Nice man.

[00:01:53] Cool.

[00:01:54] So it's not just me that listens to it.

[00:01:56] My wife listens to it too.

[00:01:57] Oh wow.

[00:01:58] Well, thank you.

[00:01:59] We talked about it actually that

[00:02:01] I think it's super cool to have

[00:02:04] women listen to the show too

[00:02:06] and one person replied to us

[00:02:08] saying that like it's so good

[00:02:10] because I can kind of see what my husband's going through

[00:02:12] because he went through the same shit

[00:02:15] that whatever the topic was at the time.

[00:02:17] I'm not sure.

[00:02:18] But it's actually

[00:02:21] really awesome to hear that

[00:02:23] that women actually get something out of our...

[00:02:26] I think they should listen to it.

[00:02:28] Like maybe not every episode or whatever

[00:02:30] but like I think there's some valuable stuff

[00:02:33] that you can pick out of it.

[00:02:34] Absolutely.

[00:02:35] As much as we learn about each other

[00:02:37] and about ourselves,

[00:02:38] imagine being a woman who doesn't feel

[00:02:41] the way we feel or go through those things

[00:02:43] to get some perspective and some insights.

[00:02:45] So I love that.

[00:02:46] So you're going to tell your story today.

[00:02:49] You sent us an email

[00:02:51] and we figured that

[00:02:53] instead of reading out that whole email

[00:02:56] because there was a lot of info in there.

[00:02:58] Let's be honest, it was a novel.

[00:03:00] But you know what?

[00:03:01] That's okay though.

[00:03:02] It's the longest book I've read in five years.

[00:03:05] And yeah, like it was...

[00:03:07] it's a really interesting story

[00:03:08] and I'm sure you're not the only one

[00:03:10] that went through stuff like that.

[00:03:12] So you're here to tell your story

[00:03:14] but before you do that let's check in.

[00:03:17] Damn, how are you doing?

[00:03:24] Really we're starting here.

[00:03:26] Oh yeah, let's start with you.

[00:03:28] It's that obvious, eh?

[00:03:29] I really want to know how you're doing today.

[00:03:31] Oh man.

[00:03:32] I'm okay.

[00:03:34] I know.

[00:03:35] I would say aside from the fact

[00:03:38] I stayed up way too late partying,

[00:03:40] I'm a six.

[00:03:43] Okay.

[00:03:44] And so I kind of asked you during the week

[00:03:46] and you said you were a four.

[00:03:48] Yeah, it's been a hell of a week right?

[00:03:50] Yeah, it's been a hell of a week.

[00:03:52] So this week's been a bit of a roller coaster

[00:03:54] but it's all ending better than it started.

[00:03:57] That's good.

[00:03:58] And this one counts.

[00:03:59] Yeah, exactly.

[00:04:00] I'm around a six, seven

[00:04:02] just because I don't know...

[00:04:04] last weekend we played our spongy championship

[00:04:08] and we ended up winning

[00:04:10] and we had some drinks

[00:04:12] and I was totally fine.

[00:04:17] Got home and into the hot tub

[00:04:19] because my lower back was hurting a little more

[00:04:21] which is normal.

[00:04:23] And then during the night I woke up screaming

[00:04:25] because it's like...

[00:04:27] pinched my sciatic nerve

[00:04:29] and it was like 2 a.m.

[00:04:31] because it was the long weekend.

[00:04:33] My daughter was still up

[00:04:34] because I see her online.

[00:04:36] I'm like, first of all,

[00:04:37] what the hell are you doing up this late?

[00:04:39] Second of all, wake mom up

[00:04:41] and get me some creams

[00:04:43] and pills and whatever

[00:04:44] because I ended up crashing on the couch

[00:04:47] just because I had one too many drinks

[00:04:49] and they usually just end on the couch.

[00:04:51] But yeah, so...

[00:04:52] and I've been dealing with that pain

[00:04:54] for the last week

[00:04:55] so it's just been fucking brutal.

[00:04:58] That sucks dude.

[00:05:00] What about yourself?

[00:05:01] How are you doing today?

[00:05:02] And you can do...

[00:05:03] whether it's today, this week, this past month...

[00:05:06] Well, I would definitely say...

[00:05:08] today is a good day.

[00:05:09] Today is like a 7.5.

[00:05:12] Last couple of months

[00:05:13] I've probably put myself around like a 6 overall.

[00:05:16] We were lucky enough to welcome in

[00:05:20] a new person to our family

[00:05:22] or my little boy Tommy.

[00:05:24] I'm sure you would like that name.

[00:05:26] No way!

[00:05:28] Yeah, Thomas is now in our lives

[00:05:31] and wrecking havoc on our sleep schedules.

[00:05:34] I know how that is.

[00:05:36] And yeah, so we've been dealing with that

[00:05:40] and well, dealing with it.

[00:05:41] Enjoying it.

[00:05:42] I mean, Norm, you can say dealing with that

[00:05:46] with him for the next 18 years.

[00:05:49] He literally just turned two months yesterday.

[00:05:51] Oh nice!

[00:05:52] So a lot of sleeping...

[00:05:54] sleep, eat poop, right?

[00:05:56] Eat sleep poop repeat.

[00:05:58] Is that your first one?

[00:06:00] Yeah, it's our first one.

[00:06:01] Okay, nice.

[00:06:02] That's awesome. Congratulations.

[00:06:03] Thank you.

[00:06:04] Congrats.

[00:06:05] Well, let's get into it.

[00:06:06] Excuse me.

[00:06:07] So yeah, like I wrote you guys in...

[00:06:10] a couple months ago, I think, right?

[00:06:12] Yeah, yeah.

[00:06:13] But yeah, I was...

[00:06:15] at that point I was actually kind of like

[00:06:17] sort of recovering from another

[00:06:20] bout of like anxiety and depression stuff.

[00:06:22] So I've probably dealt with it

[00:06:25] like my entire life, the anxiety and the depression.

[00:06:28] I just haven't really been able to put a finger on

[00:06:31] what exactly it was.

[00:06:33] Actually even to like the last like year

[00:06:36] I would say that we kind of find like

[00:06:38] finally figured out what exactly my

[00:06:41] mental health problem or what goes on up there

[00:06:46] is really right because

[00:06:50] all throughout high school and stuff like I grew up

[00:06:53] with a brother who has a physical

[00:06:57] and mental disability.

[00:06:59] So like a lot of the time

[00:07:03] in high school and stuff like that

[00:07:05] and even middle school was bullied because

[00:07:07] you know, had a mentally challenged brother, right?

[00:07:10] Yeah, okay.

[00:07:11] But never really knew exactly what was going on

[00:07:15] and stuff like I just knew sometimes I was down

[00:07:18] feeling like shit, right?

[00:07:20] But it wasn't really until like

[00:07:23] I was living on my own

[00:07:25] and a lot more alone than normal

[00:07:30] that it kind of started to really start shining its light.

[00:07:33] So about like eight years ago, I want to say

[00:07:37] I've been working for the same company

[00:07:39] in information tech

[00:07:42] which is a pretty stressful job to begin with

[00:07:45] when you get into like the level that I'm at.

[00:07:49] Okay.

[00:07:50] Because I work on, I don't just help the

[00:07:54] people who call in and say, hey my computer's broken

[00:07:57] and I say have you tried turning it off and on again?

[00:07:59] Yeah, yeah.

[00:08:00] Man, I got a story.

[00:08:02] I fucking hate when people do that.

[00:08:04] I got a story for you.

[00:08:05] This was Shaw like something wasn't working there.

[00:08:07] Like well why don't you try plugging it

[00:08:09] into different power outlets?

[00:08:11] What?

[00:08:12] Are you fucking kidding me?

[00:08:13] That?

[00:08:14] Yeah.

[00:08:15] I'm like, you know what, for shits and giggles

[00:08:16] I'm gonna try it and if this works

[00:08:18] that's it, I'm getting rid of all my electronics

[00:08:21] because like I know a little bit about computers

[00:08:23] but like fuck.

[00:08:25] Yeah, sorry.

[00:08:27] No, that's all good.

[00:08:29] It's funny how many times it actually works

[00:08:31] is just shutting it down and turning it back on.

[00:08:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:08:34] Okay so you're not the guy who's telling people to do that?

[00:08:36] I'm not that guy.

[00:08:37] I'm the guy that supports like or implements

[00:08:42] all this stuff in the back end.

[00:08:44] So like your programs where you do

[00:08:47] all your data entry and stuff like that.

[00:08:49] That's the stuff that I support.

[00:08:50] The stuff that I build and the stuff that

[00:08:52] basically runs the company right?

[00:08:54] If you don't have a network connection

[00:08:56] to your computer and you can't do your job

[00:08:58] then I'm likely the person that gets called

[00:09:00] at the end of the day or if a server goes down

[00:09:03] that's me, right?

[00:09:05] That doesn't sound not stressful.

[00:09:08] It's a lot of firefighting, right?

[00:09:11] So like a lot of my day it's just like

[00:09:13] work on like the tasks of building up new stuff

[00:09:16] or fixing small problems during the day

[00:09:18] and then at night or weekends

[00:09:20] if shit breaks you're the person that has to do it.

[00:09:22] So are you like on call all the time?

[00:09:24] No, I haven't been in a year for a year

[00:09:27] and a bit because I got a doctor's note.

[00:09:31] Oh yeah, yeah.

[00:09:33] One of my anxiety bouts but...

[00:09:35] Well and with that job I mean

[00:09:37] you know there's jobs where

[00:09:39] you don't necessarily

[00:09:41] you just kind of do things

[00:09:43] but like with your job people come to you

[00:09:45] with problem.

[00:09:47] And then you're the one that have to

[00:09:49] you have to like

[00:09:51] solve it for them and walk them through

[00:09:53] and I mean just me trying to explain

[00:09:55] my mom how to copy one file from a folder

[00:09:58] to another one.

[00:09:59] I got freaking so frustrated you know.

[00:10:01] And so like when yeah people call you

[00:10:03] probably know maybe a little bit of basic stuff

[00:10:06] but again like you're always

[00:10:08] problem solving for others, right?

[00:10:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:10:11] So it's it that's kind of actually the fun part

[00:10:13] of it because a lot of the time

[00:10:15] you get new in my side anyways

[00:10:18] you get new problems that you didn't think of before

[00:10:21] and that would come up

[00:10:23] and then it's like okay how do I solve this?

[00:10:25] Yeah, yeah.

[00:10:26] So some of it is a lot of fun

[00:10:28] than some of it just as tedious boring

[00:10:30] bullshit but

[00:10:32] so yeah I was

[00:10:34] recently promoted from

[00:10:36] the have you tried turning it off and on again guy

[00:10:39] to the networking

[00:10:41] side of things that's kind of where I started

[00:10:43] and

[00:10:45] I was really young and eager

[00:10:48] and I still didn't know how to really say no

[00:10:50] at the time.

[00:10:51] Yeah, okay. Yeah.

[00:10:52] So whenever I got asked to do

[00:10:55] overtime whenever I got

[00:10:57] phone call at two in the morning or something like that

[00:11:00] like I would answer that call right?

[00:11:02] So I was working myself quite a bit

[00:11:05] and

[00:11:07] basically I got to a point

[00:11:10] where it's like I built it up in my own head

[00:11:13] that I was like the only guy that could fix anything there.

[00:11:16] Right?

[00:11:17] I started thinking that

[00:11:19] if a problem came through no matter

[00:11:22] how many coworkers I had it was my problem to fix.

[00:11:25] Right?

[00:11:26] And it started to

[00:11:28] I didn't know it at the time

[00:11:30] what they were but it started to lead to like

[00:11:33] panic attacks.

[00:11:34] Yeah.

[00:11:35] Like I would hear

[00:11:38] down the hall even that

[00:11:40] this server is not working or this service that

[00:11:43] literally drives the business is not working anymore

[00:11:46] and I would start like put my head down in my desk

[00:11:49] and started thinking like oh shit

[00:11:51] now I have to fix this.

[00:11:52] Yeah.

[00:11:53] And I don't even this is not even stuff that I take care of today.

[00:11:56] Yeah.

[00:11:57] Like

[00:11:58] Yeah, I guess you thought that

[00:12:00] this will be your problem to fix.

[00:12:03] Yeah.

[00:12:04] So yeah,

[00:12:06] like I was I started

[00:12:08] I guess that started happening right

[00:12:10] and normally I'm a pretty smiley happy

[00:12:13] goofing around kind of guy

[00:12:15] and my parents started noticing like

[00:12:18] that I wasn't acting normal.

[00:12:20] I was kind of just distant existing

[00:12:22] kind of just sitting whenever I went

[00:12:24] would go visit my mom and dad on the week.

[00:12:26] I usually went on the weekends because they have a

[00:12:28] washing and drying machine my apartment then didn't.

[00:12:30] Yeah, yeah.

[00:12:31] So perfect.

[00:12:32] Good reason to go visit them right.

[00:12:34] So yeah,

[00:12:36] I would go home every Sunday

[00:12:38] and something like that.

[00:12:40] And yeah, I was just kind of like existing.

[00:12:42] I wasn't really.

[00:12:44] We're really there.

[00:12:45] No, yeah.

[00:12:46] Your body was there.

[00:12:47] Your mind was my mind was completely somewhere else

[00:12:50] and and my parents were picking up on it.

[00:12:52] My mom especially was picking up on it

[00:12:54] and was asking me like hey,

[00:12:57] like what's going on is I'm fine.

[00:12:59] I'm fine.

[00:13:00] I'm good.

[00:13:01] I'm not wrong.

[00:13:02] The predetermined response we all give to everybody.

[00:13:06] I think I think a lot of and a lot of men

[00:13:10] tend to just say I'm fine.

[00:13:12] Yeah, even if they are fine,

[00:13:14] but like it's just a normal response.

[00:13:16] So not many people pick up on it that yeah,

[00:13:19] it's like I'm fine or like I'm fine.

[00:13:21] Yeah, like it might be a slightly different.

[00:13:24] Yeah, yeah.

[00:13:25] Not everybody picks up on it.

[00:13:27] Yeah, so that probably went on for quite a long time.

[00:13:31] I don't I couldn't really tell you exactly how long

[00:13:33] it was going on for.

[00:13:35] But I do know that like one time we had some overtime

[00:13:39] work and it was a pretty big project.

[00:13:41] We thought it was going to take the entire weekend to do,

[00:13:44] but we ended up completing it in like one day,

[00:13:46] which was actually quite awesome.

[00:13:48] Like it was quite a huge accomplishment for us

[00:13:50] and everyone that was working on it.

[00:13:52] And so the next day we kind of just had a little bit

[00:13:56] of free time to do some extra work because we had

[00:13:59] the downtime and I probably worked a couple hours

[00:14:03] and looked at my my co-work.

[00:14:05] So I just I need to go.

[00:14:07] Something's not I just need to get out of here.

[00:14:10] Like I was we had such a huge win the day before like

[00:14:13] should have been a little bit happier.

[00:14:15] Should have been pretty much like on cloud nine.

[00:14:17] I was like, oh cool.

[00:14:18] We got like an easy day today, right?

[00:14:20] But I just couldn't do it that day when I went home.

[00:14:23] Even my dad went to the bar playing some field teams

[00:14:25] playing some art drinking a little bit and I happened

[00:14:28] to just text my mom and and said I think

[00:14:32] today is just a bad day.

[00:14:34] And the reason why I said that to her is because

[00:14:36] on the way home, like I was I wasn't suicidal at this time.

[00:14:40] But the morbid thoughts and the intrusive thoughts were definitely there.

[00:14:44] Like at that point I was like, I kind of want to hit the ditch.

[00:14:48] I just don't want to work tomorrow.

[00:14:51] Been there.

[00:14:52] Yeah.

[00:14:53] So I want to hit the ditch hard enough for me to stay home.

[00:14:58] But not stay alive.

[00:15:00] Stay alive.

[00:15:01] There's still too much to live for right now.

[00:15:03] At this point, had you like, had you brought this up with anybody?

[00:15:07] No.

[00:15:08] This is like you're kind of discovering this.

[00:15:10] Yeah.

[00:15:11] Yeah.

[00:15:12] As it's happening.

[00:15:13] As it was happening.

[00:15:14] I was kind of like, this these thoughts are happening and this and that.

[00:15:18] Just trying to get through it myself, right?

[00:15:20] Because as you know, I may be only 35, but we still had that mentality

[00:15:26] that you had to be tough.

[00:15:28] You had to like this is 100% you got to you got a man up.

[00:15:32] You got to get through it is going to be whatever just suck it up thing.

[00:15:36] Right.

[00:15:37] So I texted my mom that and then because I was so distant for so long,

[00:15:42] she's like, we're going to the walk-in clinic today.

[00:15:45] Because I didn't know this about my mom is but she was she she'd gone

[00:15:50] through some of the same shit too.

[00:15:52] Oh, interesting.

[00:15:53] Right.

[00:15:54] But she didn't she didn't tell us about it.

[00:15:56] Yeah.

[00:15:57] I mean, it's fair for a parent to not really like, especially because

[00:16:01] when she was going through it, we were all young.

[00:16:03] Sure.

[00:16:04] Yeah.

[00:16:05] So you know, you got to don't want to and we're like that's I mean,

[00:16:09] our parents, we've talked about our parents before and not a month as much,

[00:16:13] but they for their if our generation has a hard time with it.

[00:16:17] Imagine how their generation feels about talking about it.

[00:16:20] Like that's not a way more difficult situation for that.

[00:16:24] So but but obviously she knew she had a sense of what to look for.

[00:16:30] She knew what she could pick up on it when your behaviors and what was going on.

[00:16:33] Yeah.

[00:16:34] She knew and probably knew because a you weren't yourself and she's your mom,

[00:16:38] but be like she'd obviously been through some of that.

[00:16:40] Yeah.

[00:16:41] So knew what that looked like.

[00:16:42] Yeah.

[00:16:43] So so she essentially took me to the walk-in clinic in where I live that

[00:16:51] that day and thankfully enough, like my family doctor was the one

[00:16:55] that was doing the walk-in clinic that day.

[00:16:57] And so she took me in there and she she came with me because I there was no

[00:17:03] way I was doing that alone.

[00:17:05] I wouldn't have been as truthful or whatever.

[00:17:07] And at that point, it's just like I broke down.

[00:17:11] It was just like I'm thinking about hurting myself.

[00:17:15] I'm feeling like stressed and it's just so burnt out and this and that.

[00:17:23] Doctor at the time was like, okay, well, I think you might have some work-related

[00:17:27] stress and depression.

[00:17:29] So I want you to take a month off of work and take this medication and stuff

[00:17:34] like that and come back to me next week.

[00:17:36] And I was like, I can't do a month off.

[00:17:39] I was still young and trying to climb the corporate ladder.

[00:17:44] Yeah.

[00:17:45] So yeah, I was still trying to show them weakness right now.

[00:17:48] Exactly.

[00:17:49] Yeah, right?

[00:17:50] That was exactly what was going through my head.

[00:17:53] So it's just like I can't show that.

[00:17:56] I'll do two weeks.

[00:17:58] And so he's like, all right, I wrote two weeks.

[00:18:02] I went to Mexico during that time.

[00:18:06] Okay, that's good.

[00:18:07] That's your supposed to do?

[00:18:08] Yeah.

[00:18:09] My friend was getting married at that time and I was part of the

[00:18:11] wedding party so I was like, well, I can't miss that.

[00:18:13] Spent $2,500 on this trip too.

[00:18:16] So I'm not getting rid of that.

[00:18:17] Which is, you know what?

[00:18:18] It's actually such bullshit when I hear other coworkers talk about

[00:18:25] people that are off on mental health.

[00:18:28] Oh, why is he fishing?

[00:18:30] Why is he in Mexico?

[00:18:32] And I'm like, dude, he's stressed out.

[00:18:35] He's doing what he loves doing.

[00:18:37] Shut the fuck up.

[00:18:38] What do you want him to do?

[00:18:39] Yeah.

[00:18:40] No, you sit in a room and you be quiet.

[00:18:42] Yeah, right?

[00:18:43] Worse.

[00:18:44] I don't understand that mental illness is, it's not like when

[00:18:50] you're injured with a broken leg where you're supposed to be

[00:18:53] at home and healing mental illness is basically doing stuff

[00:18:58] that makes you happy and that makes you think about the

[00:19:01] bullshit that made you that way.

[00:19:04] Yeah, exactly.

[00:19:05] So I did the two weeks.

[00:19:07] Awesome.

[00:19:08] Right?

[00:19:09] And when I came back because my work obviously knew that

[00:19:13] I was off on stress leave, right?

[00:19:15] But they didn't necessarily like put too much thought into it.

[00:19:20] We had some pretty crazy upper management at the time.

[00:19:25] Things were changing at the company because six years ago,

[00:19:28] I want to say the company got sold.

[00:19:31] We got sold to a company out of Ontario and they're very

[00:19:34] penny pinching.

[00:19:35] Yeah, it's always different when a business, especially when

[00:19:38] you're there through the transition of ownership and stuff

[00:19:40] as an employee.

[00:19:41] Like that's a hard.

[00:19:42] Yeah, yeah.

[00:19:43] But because especially then too, because you don't know if

[00:19:47] you're going to get sold like laid off or if your department

[00:19:50] is going to go to somewhere and it sure leaves a lot of

[00:19:54] mystery.

[00:19:55] Yeah.

[00:19:56] So that whole period, that's a little later down the line.

[00:19:59] But the first that when I came back that time, they

[00:20:05] didn't really put me like onto anything else like any

[00:20:08] sort of like light duties as it were.

[00:20:11] They kind of just said, okay, well back to the grind.

[00:20:14] Yeah.

[00:20:15] We've got to get this done.

[00:20:16] So can you do that?

[00:20:18] So I did that again for like another couple weeks and then

[00:20:22] it's just because nothing was changing.

[00:20:24] I just it came back so much harder.

[00:20:27] So much more.

[00:20:28] Had you been back to your doctors ready at this point?

[00:20:32] Yeah.

[00:20:33] And how was that going?

[00:20:34] Like what were you and your doctor talking about?

[00:20:38] Pretty much the same thing that took brought me in there is

[00:20:41] like I still feel like I want to like hit the ditch.

[00:20:45] I'd rather almost have cancer at this point to not be in

[00:20:48] the office.

[00:20:49] I just need time off.

[00:20:51] So he's like, I'm giving you that month and you're taking

[00:20:54] it.

[00:20:55] So I took the month and as much as I hated thinking

[00:21:00] that I didn't need that I was going to be like looked

[00:21:04] at so differently from my coworkers and my manager at the

[00:21:09] time and all that.

[00:21:11] I thought like, oh shit, I'm going to be stuck here forever

[00:21:14] now.

[00:21:15] Right.

[00:21:16] But it was the first step of like what needed to happen for

[00:21:21] me.

[00:21:22] I started finally realizing like, okay, something I was

[00:21:26] burnt out, you know, took the time off.

[00:21:29] And during this time leading up to it, I kind of built

[00:21:33] myself into a sort of like a social anxiety to work because

[00:21:38] I was living on my own.

[00:21:40] It was like eat, sleep, maybe go to the gym, work and then

[00:21:46] go home play video games all night.

[00:21:48] Yeah, just that cycle drink, drink by myself kind of

[00:21:51] things right?

[00:21:52] Like it was it was pretty much that and I wasn't even

[00:21:55] though my friends were like five, 10 minutes away.

[00:21:58] I wasn't really seeing them.

[00:21:59] Right.

[00:22:00] I was just talking to them online and hanging out and

[00:22:03] like voice chats and stuff like that.

[00:22:05] Right.

[00:22:06] So I was pretty, pretty alone and my friend who I happened

[00:22:11] to work with too at the time just bought a new house and

[00:22:15] my apartment was coming up for lease or whatever.

[00:22:20] So I was just like, how about I help you with your

[00:22:22] mortgage and I move in with you?

[00:22:24] And during that month off I moved in there and we

[00:22:29] started.

[00:22:30] So I had someone to at least talk to.

[00:22:34] That's good.

[00:22:35] And kind of just play games with in the same room.

[00:22:41] Yeah, actually be with somebody.

[00:22:43] Be with somebody because that was something that I

[00:22:45] was missing for quite some time is like social

[00:22:47] interaction with.

[00:22:48] Like I'm kind of that person where I don't need to

[00:22:50] talk to you but I need to see people.

[00:22:53] Yeah.

[00:22:54] Kind of thing.

[00:22:55] I need to be around people know that I'm not the

[00:22:57] only one there.

[00:22:58] Yeah.

[00:22:59] So did you notice some improvement in your mindset

[00:23:02] and your thoughts of doing that?

[00:23:05] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:23:06] Like that started to really start help with getting

[00:23:10] over at least the depression part of it.

[00:23:13] Right.

[00:23:14] Because the depression was pretty heavy.

[00:23:16] It was just sadness and stuff like that.

[00:23:18] Right.

[00:23:19] But so because of that I started doing Twitch.

[00:23:23] I started streaming on Twitch.

[00:23:25] And so you were still taking the medication.

[00:23:27] I'm still taking a medication to this day.

[00:23:30] Okay.

[00:23:31] But it's a different one now.

[00:23:33] Yeah.

[00:23:34] So I was taking what was called Cetalopram or

[00:23:37] Selexa I think is the brand name.

[00:23:41] Okay.

[00:23:42] But it's just an anti-depressant.

[00:23:44] Yeah.

[00:23:45] And then they also gave me a Lorazepam which

[00:23:48] is to help you kind of get out of the in

[00:23:52] the moment panic attack.

[00:23:54] It's supposed to kind of like lower your heart

[00:23:56] and lower your breathing kind of like calm you down

[00:23:59] sort of stuff.

[00:24:00] And that was also you were taking that regularly

[00:24:02] or you're supposed to only take that when you're

[00:24:04] You're supposed to only take that when you kind of have

[00:24:06] Yeah.

[00:24:07] An attack of some sort.

[00:24:08] And then they also gave me Zopaclone which

[00:24:10] is a sleeping drug.

[00:24:11] Yeah.

[00:24:12] Because I wasn't sleeping.

[00:24:13] Yeah.

[00:24:14] And the first time I took that I slept so good.

[00:24:17] Oh I know.

[00:24:18] I've been on sleeping pills.

[00:24:20] I remember my wife told me that I walked into

[00:24:22] the room because you're supposed to take like

[00:24:24] 15, 20 minutes or whatever.

[00:24:26] An hour before.

[00:24:27] Yeah.

[00:24:28] And then she told me like I walked in and like

[00:24:30] I said something she had no idea what I was

[00:24:32] saying and I just like dropped and I was out.

[00:24:35] The first time that first time I took it I

[00:24:37] remember it was like at my parents house

[00:24:39] and I remember waking up once and seeing the

[00:24:42] dog in the room and all I could muster was

[00:24:44] dog.

[00:24:45] Yeah.

[00:24:46] Yeah.

[00:24:47] The only reason I stopped taking the sleeping

[00:24:51] pills because it screwed up my taste buds.

[00:24:55] Oh yeah.

[00:24:56] Completely.

[00:24:57] Really?

[00:24:58] Water was so disgusting man.

[00:25:00] Really?

[00:25:01] It was the weirdest thing.

[00:25:02] Zopaclone makes your mouth taste like metal

[00:25:03] after.

[00:25:04] Oh yeah.

[00:25:05] So yeah.

[00:25:06] Yeah it was fun.

[00:25:07] It's bad.

[00:25:08] It's bad.

[00:25:09] Sounds off.

[00:25:10] But I slept like a fool.

[00:25:11] It was awesome.

[00:25:12] 8 to 10 hours straight no problem.

[00:25:13] But that one is also like super addictive.

[00:25:14] Yeah.

[00:25:15] Right?

[00:25:16] So like.

[00:25:17] I can see why.

[00:25:18] If you take it more than two days in a row

[00:25:20] like once you stop taking it you're fucked for two

[00:25:22] weeks.

[00:25:23] Oh really?

[00:25:24] They told me that straight up.

[00:25:25] Do not take this more than two days in a row.

[00:25:28] Okay.

[00:25:29] Okay well that doesn't add anxiety at all.

[00:25:32] Right?

[00:25:33] Right.

[00:25:34] So there's that.

[00:25:38] So you moved in with your buddy.

[00:25:39] Yeah.

[00:25:40] That's going well.

[00:25:41] Yeah.

[00:25:42] Started streaming on Twitch.

[00:25:44] And the reason why I started streaming on

[00:25:46] Twitch is because I wanted to talk to

[00:25:47] strangers.

[00:25:48] I figured the best way to do it is like I can still do

[00:25:50] it in the comfort of my home.

[00:25:52] But I can read what someone says on the internet

[00:25:54] and respond to it.

[00:25:56] And if you don't like it you don't have to respond.

[00:25:58] Exactly.

[00:25:59] Yeah.

[00:26:00] And I still get to do what I love to do which was

[00:26:01] playing video games.

[00:26:02] Yeah.

[00:26:03] For sure.

[00:26:04] At the time it was a lot of Diablo 3, a lot of

[00:26:05] Counter-Strike.

[00:26:06] All those kind of games.

[00:26:07] We had a chat before you showed up and that's

[00:26:09] like yeah I missed video games so much.

[00:26:11] Yeah I haven't really been able to play in two

[00:26:13] months.

[00:26:14] Yeah well we'll find out why shortly.

[00:26:16] Oh yeah.

[00:26:17] Okay so how was the Twitch streaming, did that

[00:26:20] become a bit of a therapeutic thing for you?

[00:26:23] It sure did because with that I also started a

[00:26:26] local Winnipeg community.

[00:26:28] Okay.

[00:26:29] So I created a server, it's Discord.

[00:26:32] Started a Discord server and the people who

[00:26:35] were kind of running it at that time was like hey I

[00:26:38] got this up and running and then I kind of just

[00:26:41] was the moderator.

[00:26:42] And we grew it quite fast.

[00:26:44] Which it can be a lot of work.

[00:26:46] It is.

[00:26:47] It absolutely is.

[00:26:48] So talking about like I had a thing where it was

[00:26:52] just like okay this doesn't bother me anymore.

[00:26:54] I'm going to add this extra thing on.

[00:26:56] Yeah.

[00:26:57] So I helped build to that community and

[00:26:59] because I wasn't necessarily running it

[00:27:01] I was like yeah I'm going to add this

[00:27:03] extra thing on.

[00:27:04] Yeah.

[00:27:05] Yeah.

[00:27:06] So I helped build to that community and

[00:27:09] because I wasn't necessarily running it we got to

[00:27:12] the point where Twitch themselves sponsored

[00:27:15] our meetups and stuff like that.

[00:27:17] So they would give us free stuff to hand out

[00:27:20] to the people who come out.

[00:27:22] We went from the first meetup of being like

[00:27:25] eight people who went bowling to 100 plus

[00:27:28] people filling out almost all of the back

[00:27:32] of underdogs.

[00:27:33] Oh wow.

[00:27:34] That's awesome.

[00:27:35] And it looked like consistently.

[00:27:36] Right?

[00:27:37] Nice.

[00:27:38] And eventually the people who were running it

[00:27:41] had to leave.

[00:27:42] They took a job out in B.C. so they left.

[00:27:45] So like hey do you want to take it over so I

[00:27:47] took it over.

[00:27:48] And I did that for about a year and a half.

[00:27:50] Okay.

[00:27:51] Ran about three or four events and every

[00:27:53] single time it was like great up to it.

[00:27:56] I was pretty good at delegating who can do

[00:27:59] what and stuff like that.

[00:28:01] But I would always end up putting the

[00:28:03] most of the burden on myself right.

[00:28:05] Which we covered earlier that you tend

[00:28:07] to take ownership of things you don't need to.

[00:28:09] Yeah exactly.

[00:28:10] And yeah so we three or four events doing that

[00:28:19] and then I was just like I have to give

[00:28:21] that up as well.

[00:28:22] Which was fine.

[00:28:23] I'm still part of that community a little bit.

[00:28:26] I just kind of sit back in the bleachers

[00:28:28] and see how it's going.

[00:28:30] The moderating is a lot of work.

[00:28:32] It sure is.

[00:28:33] There is a lot of drama especially in its

[00:28:35] early ages.

[00:28:36] Well you want to create this, I love this

[00:28:40] safe space.

[00:28:41] But you know where people can come and

[00:28:44] talk about whatever the group is all about

[00:28:48] without being judged or bashed or whatever

[00:28:54] you have.

[00:28:55] The whole point of why people join those

[00:28:57] communities especially if you're a content

[00:28:59] creator is to network.

[00:29:01] You want to see who can help you grow.

[00:29:04] Your own shit.

[00:29:06] So there comes a level of like yeah I'm

[00:29:09] going to be nice to you but I'm also

[00:29:14] going to be a dick.

[00:29:16] So I started seeing that and that's kind

[00:29:19] of why I don't stream too much anymore

[00:29:21] as it just kind of lost the fun of it.

[00:29:23] It felt too much like a real job and I

[00:29:25] was getting like a hundred bucks a month.

[00:29:27] That's not worth it.

[00:29:30] So even every three months it was bad.

[00:29:35] It was enough to pay for a video game

[00:29:37] every once in a while but it wasn't

[00:29:39] not enough to really want to keep it.

[00:29:41] Not worth the stress that came with it

[00:29:43] and whatever else that you were going through.

[00:29:45] Talking about Twitch man I don't

[00:29:48] really watch any Twitch streams but I've

[00:29:51] seen clips or people do like the

[00:29:55] dual one where they're on Twitch as

[00:29:57] well and TikTok and they have it on

[00:29:59] YouTube right. They have it set up like

[00:30:01] on two three counts and now there's this

[00:30:05] really good looking girl wearing like

[00:30:08] a skimpy outfit. Her video game

[00:30:12] ability like I don't know I'm not a pro

[00:30:14] gamer but like it was like she was

[00:30:16] just running around like basically in

[00:30:18] circles what it looked like and like

[00:30:21] how hard did she have to work for

[00:30:23] those 5,000 viewers.

[00:30:27] Not as hard as a guy would.

[00:30:29] Exactly right like I mean that's like

[00:30:31] how unfair is that like you if you're a

[00:30:35] guy like you really have to be good

[00:30:37] or interesting or do something to stand

[00:30:39] out right. Again I'm not trying to bash

[00:30:42] women but they have it so much easier

[00:30:45] on Twitch, TikTok or whatever to get

[00:30:48] followers and actually generate some

[00:30:51] money. So there's my two minute rant.

[00:30:58] Should we do an episode about this?

[00:31:02] But so like throughout that whole time

[00:31:04] of streaming on Twitch doing the

[00:31:06] demoderation and all that stuff I was

[00:31:08] kind of like weaning on off that

[00:31:10] anti-depressant because I was feeling

[00:31:12] good right like I was feeling better,

[00:31:14] I was feeling more myself. I feel like

[00:31:16] I didn't I haven't had to take any of

[00:31:18] the anxiety attack medication for a while

[00:31:21] so it was like I don't need to be on this

[00:31:23] really anymore and every time I kind of

[00:31:25] started weaning off of it or going off

[00:31:27] of it like something would happen.

[00:31:30] I'd start feeling like shit again.

[00:31:32] It was like alright I guess I gotta go back on.

[00:31:34] Well that's the thing is like when the

[00:31:36] Medicaid and I've dealt with I've heard

[00:31:38] this from a lot of people like when

[00:31:40] the medication's working you feel like

[00:31:41] you don't need it because you feel

[00:31:42] like how you're wanting to feel

[00:31:44] and it's this weird thing where

[00:31:46] yeah so like I would wean off of it

[00:31:49] and then it'd be off of it for like two weeks

[00:31:51] and then suddenly I'm just randomly crying

[00:31:53] no reason whatsoever.

[00:31:56] Alright so go back talk to the doctors

[00:31:58] and like I don't know why I'm feeling like this again

[00:32:00] well here's your script.

[00:32:02] It's like alright okay so

[00:32:04] and then so like up to this point

[00:32:07] like I still haven't seen a counselor

[00:32:09] I've talked to a therapist or anything like that.

[00:32:12] I tried once when it first happened

[00:32:15] and I felt so dismissed by the person

[00:32:18] like it just wasn't a good matchup.

[00:32:21] Yeah so like I was really burnt by it

[00:32:24] that time so I was like I guess I'm doing this

[00:32:27] on my own kind of thing right.

[00:32:29] So from that point to about

[00:32:33] I want to say

[00:32:38] just after the pandemic

[00:32:41] the pandemic definitely didn't help me.

[00:32:43] I would assume I don't think it did anybody.

[00:32:46] But like up to that point

[00:32:49] it was kind of on and off again

[00:32:51] I didn't need to take any time off work

[00:32:53] for stress or anxiety or anything like that

[00:32:56] but it was definitely more open with my manager

[00:33:00] at the time and just saying hey I'm feeling like shit today.

[00:33:03] I'm gonna do my best but

[00:33:06] just feel like crap.

[00:33:08] More open about it at that point

[00:33:10] to at least my coworkers and my boss

[00:33:13] to at least keep the conversation going

[00:33:16] about my anxieties and stuff like that.

[00:33:19] They took me off of a lot of the stuff

[00:33:22] that I was working on that was high stress.

[00:33:25] That was overwhelming.

[00:33:27] That's good that's a supportive thing.

[00:33:30] Yeah and then focused me more into

[00:33:33] a specific field so like

[00:33:35] at that point I was networking

[00:33:38] and they were also like

[00:33:41] you're also doing backups, you're doing cell phones,

[00:33:43] you're doing the phone system, you're doing this.

[00:33:45] So they started stripping some of those things away

[00:33:48] like I didn't take care of the backups anymore

[00:33:50] I didn't care about the phones anymore

[00:33:53] it was purely new.

[00:33:54] Then they were like okay well let's try adding

[00:33:56] storage and virtualization

[00:33:58] which is what I do now

[00:34:00] which is I take one server

[00:34:03] and I make it 20.

[00:34:05] So basically these really beefy servers

[00:34:09] and I just carve up the resources

[00:34:11] and say hey it's this many servers now.

[00:34:13] Okay that's your thing now?

[00:34:15] That's my thing now.

[00:34:16] So now we have a server guy if any of you

[00:34:18] ever need to set up a server here then

[00:34:20] like we know what to call.

[00:34:21] So when they were stripping jobs

[00:34:25] tasks away from you

[00:34:27] did that feel good or did that feel shitty

[00:34:30] or did it feel both?

[00:34:31] It was both.

[00:34:33] I should mention too

[00:34:35] after that first one month that I came back

[00:34:38] they didn't put me back into my role

[00:34:41] right away.

[00:34:42] They put me back on helpdesk.

[00:34:44] So I was again after four years of

[00:34:47] getting out of that

[00:34:49] maybe try turning off and on again

[00:34:51] I was now.

[00:34:52] I'd be trying to turn it off and on again.

[00:34:53] Ah fuck.

[00:34:54] Yeah that sucks.

[00:34:55] And it didn't sit well with me at all

[00:34:57] it felt like I got demoted

[00:34:59] it felt like oh shit like

[00:35:01] I can do more than that.

[00:35:03] Yeah definitely

[00:35:05] and they kept me there for a long time

[00:35:08] and I think at that point

[00:35:11] it was like they were trying to help me

[00:35:13] but at the same time it's like this isn't helping me

[00:35:15] this is just making me feel like

[00:35:17] like it gave me in a sense of

[00:35:20] like the imposter syndrome

[00:35:22] I would want to say like in a way

[00:35:24] it's like I was working on this stuff

[00:35:26] before but clearly I wasn't good enough

[00:35:28] for it right.

[00:35:29] So that kind of fueled

[00:35:31] the depression a little bit too

[00:35:33] and it definitely made me feel like

[00:35:35] I couldn't go anywhere

[00:35:37] like I couldn't go to another job

[00:35:39] because I was like I felt like

[00:35:41] it's like well clearly

[00:35:43] you're not valuable.

[00:35:45] But I eventually worked my way back up

[00:35:48] and clearly that isn't the case anymore

[00:35:52] and then

[00:35:54] 2022 is when shit really started happening again

[00:35:57] I was

[00:36:00] it was the tail end of that code red

[00:36:03] that we were all in where we couldn't go

[00:36:05] for Christmas, we couldn't go to New Year's

[00:36:08] we couldn't step foot out of your door

[00:36:10] unless you were going to get

[00:36:12] a piece of bread or something like that

[00:36:15] and so we were all

[00:36:18] isolated and stuff like that

[00:36:20] I was doing okay and I was weaning off of my meds again

[00:36:23] at this time I was like

[00:36:25] I'm not going off them throughout the pandemic

[00:36:28] that's just the worst time to do it

[00:36:31] Good for you to know enough about yourself

[00:36:34] to know that

[00:36:35] Yeah cause I was like

[00:36:37] if we're stuck inside the whole time

[00:36:39] I'm just going to drive myself crazy

[00:36:41] and that's just going to

[00:36:44] cycle things

[00:36:46] So the code red had ended

[00:36:48] I was weaning

[00:36:50] and I was taking my time going off of the meds

[00:36:52] at this time like each step that they told me

[00:36:54] to do this for two weeks then do this for two weeks

[00:36:56] I was doing it for a month

[00:36:58] I was like I'm taking it extra slow on this one

[00:37:01] and near the end of getting off of them completely

[00:37:04] I started noticing like my thoughts

[00:37:06] those thoughts were starting to come back

[00:37:09] right like the intrusive thoughts

[00:37:11] like I'd rather not be doing this right now

[00:37:14] having dreams about stuff

[00:37:17] breaking at work that had no history of breaking

[00:37:20] like it's been running solid for eight years

[00:37:23] and it's not broke once

[00:37:25] it has not rebooted once when you didn't want it to

[00:37:28] and it was like this is going to break

[00:37:31] and it felt like nobody was listening to me

[00:37:34] and I started building that circle of thought

[00:37:38] where it's just like this is going to break

[00:37:41] no one's listening to me

[00:37:42] it's going to break tonight

[00:37:44] no one's listening to me

[00:37:45] so on and so forth

[00:37:46] right and it just got into that vicious circle

[00:37:49] where it's just like you're beating yourself up

[00:37:51] and it got to the point where I was worrying myself

[00:37:54] literally sick

[00:37:55] I was getting sick in the bathroom

[00:37:57] because I was worrying about stuff

[00:37:59] that didn't need to be worried about

[00:38:01] and so like this was happening over a long weekend

[00:38:05] and what I now know is a bit of a panic attack

[00:38:11] and I was just chilling in my bedroom

[00:38:15] with my wife was in the other room at this point

[00:38:20] or no we weren't married yet

[00:38:23] we were getting married that year

[00:38:25] let me back up a little bit

[00:38:27] I got ahead of myself

[00:38:30] so I was having that stuff happen

[00:38:33] we have just moved into our new house

[00:38:37] in Stonewall

[00:38:39] it was a brand new build

[00:38:41] so we weren't even there in their year

[00:38:45] but I knew that year

[00:38:47] we had to get the landscaping done

[00:38:49] otherwise I lose that deposit

[00:38:51] they loved to take it from you

[00:38:53] we need extra money here

[00:38:57] just to make sure that you do it

[00:38:58] and then when you're done

[00:38:59] we'll give it back to you

[00:39:01] gross

[00:39:02] that feels fucking criminal doesn't it

[00:39:04] it is

[00:39:05] they don't like my trees

[00:39:07] so they took 500 bucks off

[00:39:09] because they don't like your trees?

[00:39:10] yeah they're like it's not thick enough

[00:39:11] well why'd you put in such a shitty tree?

[00:39:15] how dare you

[00:39:16] I know right?

[00:39:18] it's not going to survive the winter

[00:39:20] well guess what it survived the fucking winter

[00:39:22] she should go back like hey

[00:39:24] I need that money back

[00:39:26] hey it survived

[00:39:28] and we were also getting married that year

[00:39:30] so it was like the thought of the expenses coming up that year

[00:39:34] just extra stress

[00:39:36] insane

[00:39:37] and it's not a fault of my parents at all

[00:39:41] the situation that we grew up in

[00:39:43] with my older brother having mental

[00:39:45] disability and physical disabilities

[00:39:48] my mother had to stay home

[00:39:50] so she was a stay at home mom

[00:39:52] and my dad had to work his butt off

[00:39:55] to put food on the table

[00:39:57] keep the roof over our heads

[00:40:00] and stuff like that

[00:40:01] so it was like that

[00:40:03] unintentional teaching of

[00:40:05] the man has to make the money in the family

[00:40:07] and it was never really the case

[00:40:09] my dad never said

[00:40:11] you have to do that

[00:40:13] no but it was what you grew up with

[00:40:16] it was the impact

[00:40:18] just an unfortunate result of the situation

[00:40:22] and we never had a bad life

[00:40:24] it was always a pretty good life

[00:40:27] can't complain about it at all

[00:40:30] so in my mind

[00:40:32] I was paying for all that

[00:40:34] yet my wife was able to easily contribute to it as well

[00:40:38] again you're stressing about something

[00:40:41] that's not actually happening

[00:40:47] with the thoughts of what was going on

[00:40:50] or what I was worrying about with work

[00:40:52] worrying about the sod

[00:40:54] worrying about the cost of the wedding

[00:40:56] I started getting really into a dark hole

[00:41:00] and I was watching a Twitch stream

[00:41:03] and it just happened to be like a gunfighting game

[00:41:08] and I was in the middle of an anxiety attack

[00:41:11] or some sort of episode

[00:41:14] and I heard a gunshot

[00:41:16] come from the TV

[00:41:18] and this sense of euphoria

[00:41:20] and relief that came over my body

[00:41:22] was the scariest thing

[00:41:24] that have ever happened to me

[00:41:26] ever

[00:41:27] and I felt I couldn't talk to anybody about that

[00:41:31] at that second

[00:41:33] so I just called for my fiance at the time

[00:41:35] or my wife

[00:41:37] and she, I just sat with her

[00:41:40] I was like I have to be near you right now

[00:41:42] and then the next day

[00:41:45] my parents came over

[00:41:47] because I was still in rough shape

[00:41:50] and stuff like that

[00:41:51] and they were like what's going on

[00:41:53] I heard a gunshot last night from the TV

[00:41:55] and I felt good

[00:41:57] and it was pretty scary

[00:42:02] and I would never do anything like that

[00:42:06] that shit

[00:42:08] it doesn't really want to

[00:42:10] I don't want to do that

[00:42:12] but something in you feels something about it

[00:42:17] so you have to face that

[00:42:19] which is great that you actually faced it right away

[00:42:21] and talked to your, or sat with your fiance

[00:42:24] or your wife

[00:42:25] so they took me to the ER that day

[00:42:28] because

[00:42:32] that's suicidal ideation

[00:42:34] it's not you being suicidal

[00:42:37] it's like the idea of this

[00:42:40] felt good right

[00:42:41] what they do when you kind of have that situation

[00:42:44] in an ER

[00:42:46] especially where I was

[00:42:47] is they put you in a what's called a quiet room

[00:42:50] and they just let you sit there

[00:42:53] and my mother was there

[00:42:55] my fiance was there

[00:42:56] we were pretty much just there by ourselves

[00:42:59] getting checked in every maybe 2-3 hours

[00:43:01] from a nurse

[00:43:03] and it was just like

[00:43:05] the goal here is for you to calm down

[00:43:07] and kind of like not

[00:43:10] just feel like you're safe right

[00:43:12] like you're safe here

[00:43:13] and then they wheel in a TV

[00:43:15] and they call the crisis unit

[00:43:17] of Manitoba

[00:43:19] and then you have a conversation one on one

[00:43:22] with a couple of social workers

[00:43:24] from there

[00:43:25] so that is what happened

[00:43:28] and at that point

[00:43:30] they're like well you're not suicidal

[00:43:33] you just had some really intrusive thoughts

[00:43:38] they recommended me to go through this course

[00:43:41] through the anxiety disorder

[00:43:44] associations of Manitoba

[00:43:46] and what it was was like a 6-8 week course

[00:43:49] and what it was is just highlighting

[00:43:52] each week you did a different thing

[00:43:55] which was like

[00:43:58] this week is like

[00:44:00] cyclical thoughts

[00:44:02] next week was like this is what your brain does with that

[00:44:04] and so on and so forth

[00:44:06] so it finally started teaching me

[00:44:08] hey, this is anxiety

[00:44:10] this isn't something that you are doing

[00:44:14] maybe you are doing it to yourself

[00:44:16] in a way

[00:44:18] but

[00:44:20] there's a reason behind it

[00:44:22] so I started finally learning

[00:44:24] about what was going on

[00:44:26] and at this point I was on

[00:44:29] that medication again

[00:44:31] but they also gave me one to take every day

[00:44:34] for the

[00:44:36] it was called clinazepam

[00:44:38] to control the anxiety

[00:44:40] so that was to like you take that

[00:44:42] in the morning, in the evening

[00:44:44] and then this will help control your anxiety

[00:44:46] and stuff like that

[00:44:48] and the reason why

[00:44:50] you want to do that too

[00:44:52] is because what they wanted me to do that

[00:44:54] is to just write the ship

[00:44:56] yeah

[00:44:58] right now we need you to not be thinking about

[00:45:00] your anxieties

[00:45:02] and your depressions and stuff like that

[00:45:04] we want you to focus on you

[00:45:06] and start working towards

[00:45:08] um, writing that ship

[00:45:10] right, get your thinking

[00:45:12] back properly

[00:45:14] hey Tommy, among all the episodes we've recorded

[00:45:16] you know there's one common theme

[00:45:18] and that's getting therapy

[00:45:20] we've talked about it lots

[00:45:22] many, many times

[00:45:24] you had a really tough time making that first phone call

[00:45:26] I had a tough time making that first phone call

[00:45:28] I didn't even know if the person I was going to see

[00:45:30] was the right person

[00:45:32] but you got to just try

[00:45:34] thank goodness we have a sponsor

[00:45:36] that makes it way easier now

[00:45:38] BetterHelp has an online platform

[00:45:40] that allows you to fill out a questionnaire

[00:45:42] they connect you with a therapist

[00:45:44] and you get to communicate with them however you want

[00:45:46] so whether that's text messaging

[00:45:48] that's emails

[00:45:50] that's through their app

[00:45:52] that's video chats

[00:45:54] you get all those options

[00:45:56] and it makes it way less scary to be connected with someone

[00:45:58] and if you're not into the person you talk to

[00:46:00] they'll sign you another one right away

[00:46:02] I've gotten a signed minor ready

[00:46:04] and I can't wait to use it

[00:46:06] like by the time you hear this

[00:46:08] I will have had my first session

[00:46:10] and I'm super pumped to talk about it on the show

[00:46:12] yeah, I'm very excited about it

[00:46:14] and like it's very easy to sign up

[00:46:16] it took us maybe 5 minutes to sign up

[00:46:18] and you answered just simple questions

[00:46:20] and next thing you know

[00:46:22] you got a message that

[00:46:24] you'll be paired up with a therapist

[00:46:26] and within the same day

[00:46:28] we got the therapist already

[00:46:30] the name and a message from them

[00:46:32] and we were able to communicate with them

[00:46:34] so it's extremely easy

[00:46:36] so please go to

[00:46:38] betterhelp.com

[00:46:40] betterhelp.com

[00:46:42] slash quiet riot show

[00:46:44] and you get to also

[00:46:46] offer your first month if you sign up

[00:46:48] using this link

[00:46:50] so again

[00:46:52] right here I'm going to be doing it from here

[00:46:54] yeah, it's betterhelp

[00:46:56] at myscoringandout.com

[00:46:58] slash quiet riot show

[00:47:00] yeah, sign up today

[00:47:02] and you're not going to regret it

[00:47:04] because I'm already enjoying it

[00:47:06] just the fact that we connected with the therapist

[00:47:08] me too man

[00:47:10] thank you to BetterHelp for supporting this podcast

[00:47:12] okay so

[00:47:14] so where are we at here

[00:47:16] I was just talking about how I was

[00:47:18] on the ATOM program

[00:47:20] yes, oh yeah, you're the 8 week thing

[00:47:22] the 8 week thing

[00:47:24] so I was doing that

[00:47:26] and that kind of like

[00:47:28] finally learning about what anxiety was

[00:47:30] and all that stuff

[00:47:32] really shone a light to like a lot of the history

[00:47:34] I had with

[00:47:36] my journey

[00:47:38] that I've been on with my mental health

[00:47:40] started to make sense

[00:47:42] that must have felt good

[00:47:44] it did

[00:47:46] and

[00:47:48] it's a free resource too

[00:47:50] actually

[00:47:52] there's actually a lot of free resources

[00:47:54] for

[00:47:56] for mental health

[00:47:58] and even men's

[00:48:00] I went through the men's clinic for my

[00:48:02] therapy sessions and stuff so there's lots of free stuff

[00:48:04] okay

[00:48:06] and so I went through that

[00:48:08] I still wasn't seeing a counselor at this time

[00:48:10] I was still able to kind of deal with it on my own

[00:48:12] yeah

[00:48:14] but again that

[00:48:16] opened the dialogue up even more

[00:48:18] at least with my friends and family

[00:48:20] that hey, like I have anxiety issues

[00:48:22] and shit like this

[00:48:24] no are you working at the time

[00:48:26] that time I got another stress

[00:48:28] leave for a month

[00:48:30] because of the

[00:48:32] trip to the ER

[00:48:34] and the involvement of the crisis unit

[00:48:36] which they're in and out quick

[00:48:38] crisis unit will

[00:48:40] make sure that you're okay

[00:48:42] and that you're not going to be a harm to yourself

[00:48:44] they're there to make

[00:48:46] that's their job

[00:48:48] and then they're kind of like okay

[00:48:50] we have to hand you off

[00:48:52] to the other resources now

[00:48:54] which is absolutely fine

[00:48:58] and then

[00:49:00] so

[00:49:02] yeah I was off for another month

[00:49:04] spent that month

[00:49:06] like starting to

[00:49:08] finally take walks again around the

[00:49:10] area and

[00:49:12] this was in the middle of winter

[00:49:14] too that fucking

[00:49:16] cold winter where we got like 20 feet of snow

[00:49:18] yeah

[00:49:20] I love that

[00:49:22] I hate that you love that

[00:49:24] I love the winters

[00:49:26] I hate shoveling the snow

[00:49:28] I was going to ask you like shoveling the snow

[00:49:30] no, I mean I have a snow blower

[00:49:32] but like still like it's

[00:49:34] I don't I remember because

[00:49:36] we had literally no room

[00:49:38] we didn't know where to put all that snow

[00:49:40] I have a pretty big front here

[00:49:42] yeah like that year was

[00:49:44] freaking crazy we had so much snow

[00:49:46] I was like shoveling every day

[00:49:48] I was getting lots of exercise

[00:49:50] I mean that's the good part yeah my back

[00:49:52] things different

[00:49:54] so

[00:49:56] I did that and then

[00:49:58] went back to work everything was fine

[00:50:00] I wasn't weaning

[00:50:02] the fuck off of any of the meds

[00:50:04] this time except for the

[00:50:06] because you don't want to be on that forever

[00:50:08] that shit fucks with your mind

[00:50:10] that's the one with the panic attacks

[00:50:12] yeah

[00:50:14] so that stuff will actually

[00:50:16] like alter

[00:50:18] I've learned this recently, it will

[00:50:20] like alter your

[00:50:22] some of them do and some don't

[00:50:24] so anyways

[00:50:26] by the wedding I was off of that

[00:50:28] I was able to enjoy the open bar that we had

[00:50:30] Nice there we go. I'm a little disappointed in my friends. They didn't drink drink me dry

[00:50:39] I think I drank Festive elder boy is your dry

[00:50:43] The bill the bill wasn't didn't even cross like two grand. I was like what the hell? Oh, wow

[00:50:48] In my family. I was just like come on guys

[00:50:54] Can't tell that I drank more than you yeah

[00:50:56] So so that we got married front yard was all done everything was good

[00:51:03] And then everything really worked out the way was supposed to without any yeah, so so

[00:51:11] So I thought so what which what year did you guys get married? That was before the pandemic or after after so we got engaged

[00:51:18] Got engaged during it and then we're just like let's at least look at venues

[00:51:22] And then we'll like we purposely picked 2022 to get married okay because we figured by that point

[00:51:28] Shit will be back. Yeah. Yeah, and and by July

[00:51:32] Everything was pretty much back. Yeah, perfect. It was the hottest day ever

[00:51:37] It was like honey and better than raining. No, it was plus it was plus 34

[00:51:42] Humid as shit and great when you're wearing a suit. Yeah

[00:51:47] Like I purposely told the guys was like we're not wearing suits that day. We were just wearing nice. Yeah, and shirts

[00:51:53] Yeah, I'm gonna wear a vest because to differentiate

[00:51:58] Just just so your bride doesn't get confused

[00:52:03] And and we did it all at the Glendale Golf and Country

[00:52:08] They have everything their food was amazing. Yeah, I used to I used to be a member there for oh, yeah, nice

[00:52:14] Yeah, and and so yeah, it was great. It's like no one had no one had to know I had to freaking travel anywhere

[00:52:19] Yeah, the like between the ceremony and the exception. So it was just like everything's there

[00:52:24] Yeah, I had a great time tornado touchdown about 20 minutes from where my house is that day. Okay

[00:52:32] That's to make a hot day and yeah, that's a little bit stressful

[00:52:35] But middle of dinner and everyone's phone was getting those alerts. Yeah

[00:52:39] I

[00:52:41] It's a memorable day. Yeah

[00:52:43] So it was all good and then

[00:52:45] So for like the rest of the year everything was pretty much great, right? Like nothing was going awesome. So yeah, like at this point is basically

[00:52:54] I guess a lot of people are scared of

[00:52:58] Medication because I know a lot of like when I went through that stuff my doctor prescribed me and I had multiple friends

[00:53:03] Yeah, tell me don't take the meds just just take the time off and I'm like

[00:53:08] Well doctors and I do trust doctors and I don't yeah, but they wouldn't prescribe you something that would fuck you up

[00:53:16] You know like because sometimes you just need that it's a chemical imbalance, right? Yeah, and then

[00:53:21] My serotonin levels were off. Yeah

[00:53:23] And so like you're now on this medication that kind of leveled you out and things are happening

[00:53:29] The good things are happening in your life. Yeah, so how was work during during that time?

[00:53:35] After after the

[00:53:38] When you guys got married when you were work was good. Yeah, it was really good

[00:53:43] We we finally got rid of the the guy that liked to micromanage and okay point fingers at literally anyone but himself

[00:53:51] They kind of found out that he was running a business on the side during work hours

[00:53:56] Everybody likes that so works good

[00:53:59] Marriage is good. Yep at this stage house is good house is good

[00:54:03] Everything's good. Awesome. Yep. That's it. Did it feel like a good win?

[00:54:07] Were you it felt it felt really good like your mental state was?

[00:54:11] Yeah clear enough that you're able to enjoy those wins and feel good about that. Yeah, that's amazing

[00:54:16] So like congratulations. Yes, so going up like there's just a little bit more

[00:54:25] We hit a point now where like there's you were in a stage of like a lot of wins and everything was going

[00:54:31] That stage

[00:54:32] Unfortunately was short-lived but it was great. It was great. I was I was finally like we kind of mentioned that before that

[00:54:40] You have we have to celebrate the little wins. Yeah, because if we don't well

[00:54:45] Exactly, you know, all that work is for nothing and then so so yeah

[00:54:49] We were we were I was really good up until about like December of last

[00:54:54] or

[00:54:55] Sorry

[00:54:56] boat

[00:54:59] May around there, okay

[00:55:02] Of last year. Okay, so I was really good up until that point

[00:55:06] In December I told my like my wife and I have always wanted to have a kid want to have kids maybe yeah

[00:55:14] And at that point I was like, okay shit's going good in life, you know feeling really good about myself

[00:55:21] Let's start trying

[00:55:23] so couple months go by and

[00:55:26] Around Easter of last year my wife and I found out that we were expecting our first okay

[00:55:33] I was it would have been great if she didn't tell me at like six in the fucking morning

[00:55:41] Just just after I woke up and got out of the bathroom

[00:55:45] She comes up to me like happy Easter daddy, I'm like

[00:55:53] And there's like wait hold on seriously

[00:55:55] What?

[00:55:57] We're expecting yeah, let's fucking go. So, you know, I was I was really excited about that for about a week

[00:56:03] Okay, and then that that same thought process of like okay now I gotta pay for this

[00:56:08] Oh, yeah, kick back in yeah back to all that practice that I

[00:56:13] Worked on the last year just it seems to like slide away and completely disappeared

[00:56:19] And I was starting to get back into that

[00:56:22] That cyclical thought again, right?

[00:56:25] Um

[00:56:28] The thing about this time is that I quickly recognized it. Yeah, it was like something's not right here

[00:56:34] I'm kind of going back into my my cycle or whatever. Yeah went to the doctor got my

[00:56:39] got

[00:56:41] Talking to them again making sure that they knew what was going on

[00:56:44] They got me on the clan as a Pam again. It's like just right the ship kind of thing and

[00:56:50] And

[00:56:51] yeah, so I was back on that stuff again for a little while and

[00:56:57] Everything again was like finally starting to be good again

[00:57:00] I was I was starting to remember like some of the things that I taught myself before and was getting through it until about

[00:57:07] August of last year as well when it really started to feel real

[00:57:11] Like she's starting to show and stuff like that. Oh shit. This is really happening

[00:57:16] Really fucking happen and we're trying to figure out we're start talking about the mat leave and all that stuff

[00:57:22] Oh, are you gonna take Pat leave?

[00:57:23] And yeah start talking about that and then you start to learn shit that you didn't know existed

[00:57:28] But like when they go on mat leave is 55% of their wage. You're like, oh fuck

[00:57:35] Not as excited. That's not as excited that first year is gonna be shit. Yeah kids gonna cost so much fucking more money

[00:57:43] Yeah, I mean when just a quick story when we found out that we were pregnant with our first one like yeah

[00:57:52] That's awesome. And then I got a letter from my work that oh you're getting laid off. I'm like shit

[00:57:59] So I got laid off at the end of January. My daughter was born in

[00:58:04] In August. Yeah, so I was on EI but at the end of the day I looked at him like well, I'm getting EI

[00:58:10] It's only it's like I was making at the time like 20 bucks an hour. So on EI sitting on my ass

[00:58:15] I was getting 15 bucks an hour and the best thing is I was still gaming at the time

[00:58:21] And she was a fussy girl at night. So like I would like you know what? I'll stay up with her all night

[00:58:26] Like I'll feed her I'll change her my wife just had to like she wasn't she couldn't feed her

[00:58:31] But she was able to pump breast milk. So so I'm like you just do the pumping

[00:58:35] I'll feed her change her everything so I was at the computer. She was an ambassador

[00:58:40] I'm like, okay guys kids up sorry

[00:58:44] It was the bed I was super worried how it's gonna work, but then it worked out really awesome

[00:58:49] Yeah, so so we were discussing about that and stuff like that right like that started to hit me

[00:58:55] Yeah, and and then that is just and I kept on forgetting that there's other things too like child care benefit

[00:59:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[00:59:04] All that all that time that I started freaking out about this shit again

[00:59:07] I was like forgetting all of the like extra stuff and then she finds out that it's like oh, yeah

[00:59:14] Government gives me a top-up program to from EI. This is like oh, so it's like 93%

[00:59:21] And she just got a new job too it was like it it's so funny how this drank dragged out, right?

[00:59:27] She applied for a job in June

[00:59:30] Didn't get inter or tested until October didn't get interviewed until November

[00:59:35] Got the drop in December when I'm at leave a week later

[00:59:39] nice

[00:59:42] So so yeah about August I

[00:59:47] Went I got to the point where it was like suicidal ideation again. Yeah, so I went back to the ER and

[00:59:54] There was no call to the crisis unit this time, okay

[00:59:58] But I will have to give the nurse their credit that day

[01:00:02] She helped me so frickin much because she took the time to like listen and even showed me some of her own scars

[01:00:10] Mm-hmm of when she was younger, okay, like that fucking just made the tears go

[01:00:17] But the doctor at that time like I was still in the clonazapam right in the class pounds that heavy-hearing one

[01:00:22] Yeah, and so they they

[01:00:27] They like my heart was going like 20 miles a minute

[01:00:30] It felt like I was like like the the a panic attack sucks

[01:00:35] Yeah, it like it feels like

[01:00:37] Your mind is racing

[01:00:40] Constantly you're breathing shortens. So like it feels like you're out of breath

[01:00:44] Your heart rate is so fast and you just feel paralyzed kind of yeah

[01:00:49] It's like I wouldn't I wouldn't want anyone to kind of go through that is it sucks

[01:00:55] So because I was feeling a panic attack in the in the in that quiet room

[01:01:01] The doctor literally pulled out and I'm like the ultrasound machine and showed my heart

[01:01:06] Yeah, to show that I wasn't in in any sort of like heart attack state or anything like that

[01:01:12] But though the one thing that's just kind of unfortunate is this is the switch that clonazapam med to

[01:01:17] The lorazapam which is the like take-ass need kind of thing you don't

[01:01:22] I've I found out that you don't really do that

[01:01:25] Because because of how it affects your mind. Okay, and and I found out that with with

[01:01:33] And I found that this out like two weeks later

[01:01:36] Because I ended up back at the ER again two weeks later, but this time I had plans

[01:01:42] Mmm

[01:01:43] and

[01:01:44] And it really sucked because I was trying to like I wasn't getting any sleep

[01:01:49] Yeah, it was and and and I was just I was off work at this time

[01:01:55] So it's not like I had to wake up for work. Yeah

[01:01:58] I like when when the plans started I just went back to work

[01:02:03] Like I had my two weeks off

[01:02:06] Or whatever yeah, cuz they only give me two weeks that time

[01:02:09] I

[01:02:11] Just got back to work. I was there for three days

[01:02:14] During the day. I thought about jumping in front of a semi truck because where I work

[01:02:18] There's a bunch of semis. Yeah, and then

[01:02:22] at night

[01:02:24] I just wanted to sleep so bad. I thought about taking the keys into the garage and running the car and

[01:02:33] I

[01:02:35] Didn't like my wife up or anything at that point

[01:02:38] Because I didn't want she was sound asleep

[01:02:42] Right, so I was just like I'm just gonna ride this out until the morning and then we're gonna take care of it

[01:02:45] And in the morning we went back to the ER. Okay, and when I found and then

[01:02:51] Christ's union got involved in that one. That was the first time I've ever stayed overnight in the hospital

[01:02:55] Okay, they kept me there all day like and and what really sucked about those two weeks, too

[01:03:01] Is like my appetite disappeared like the anxiety was?

[01:03:06] Coming and going but the depression was just so bad and and all that

[01:03:12] Well in combination of not getting any sleep and everything out just like your body minds exhausted

[01:03:17] Yeah, I was just just it was just such a it was it was it was the darkest

[01:03:22] I've a whole I've ever been in right

[01:03:25] And I just I know I have to give myself credit

[01:03:29] For this is that I had the strength to tell someone

[01:03:32] 100% yeah, I had the strength in the willpower to not act on any of those plans even though they were so fucking real

[01:03:39] Yeah, and I

[01:03:44] Had the strength to tell someone we went to the ER and they were doing their

[01:03:48] Shift change stuff right and they're like what's going on. I was like suicidal. Yeah, and

[01:03:55] So again back in the quiet room

[01:03:58] You know my mom shows up wife shows up we just sit there all day and

[01:04:04] About eight o'clock to like work the crisis unit finally got involved. He said because of what you've said

[01:04:10] With the plans and stuff like that. We're gonna admit you for the night get you some sleep

[01:04:15] Yeah, for sure

[01:04:18] And so I stayed the night they released me the next day

[01:04:21] Said you're off for however long which was like a month again

[01:04:27] And this so I was off again all of like September last year last year and

[01:04:36] And that's when I really started to learn about my anxiety it's like, okay, we know this is anxiety like

[01:04:46] The if last year was any indication like this is

[01:04:52] Exactly I need to work on this. Yeah, so I finally

[01:04:58] Called the crisis unit and they suggest is like you have employee assistance program. It was like, yeah, they're like

[01:05:06] Fucking go somewhere. Yeah

[01:05:09] So I finally I finally told them it's okay. They put me in touch with the counselor

[01:05:14] so I finally got in touch with the counselor and

[01:05:19] right away

[01:05:20] Like within the first 20 minutes of talking to her. She's like you don't like change

[01:05:28] What gave it away

[01:05:32] That's amazing so so you're seeing a therapist now

[01:05:35] Actually, we kind of just put a pause on it. Okay because

[01:05:38] Just how good I'm doing right now. No, I mean like when you like so you got you contacted the AP and now you had your first session

[01:05:45] And then you continued for yeah, so like so like in September. I

[01:05:49] Late August I started finally seeing a counselor and I was going like every two weeks

[01:05:53] Nice finally finally I have 12 sessions a year. So it was perfect. I thought yeah, it's amazing and I

[01:06:01] Know a lot of people to get turned out and turned off that they have to pay because having counselors

[01:06:08] Can be expensive very expensive

[01:06:10] You don't have coverage right and even if you have coverage

[01:06:13] It still is pricey because no it is don't have hundred percent coverage

[01:06:16] Yeah, and so like I know like through my work. We have the AP as well

[01:06:21] I think I believe for our marriage counseling. We got eight free sessions. Yeah, you know, we use it up and that was great

[01:06:26] That's all we needed. Yeah, we needed more than fine

[01:06:29] But like a lot of people are scared to make that first step. Yeah, and I know I was there

[01:06:33] I was three months to make that phone call. So it took me eight years

[01:06:37] Right exactly. So it just takes takes us long time, but like just anybody listening to this show

[01:06:43] I just really hope that if you're feeling shitty just call someone. Yeah, just make the phone call

[01:06:48] Yeah, we got phone call to your friends to your doctor to the ER or anyway, yeah, yeah

[01:06:53] So going to the counseling really helped it finally started like I really started to learn like I was I was

[01:07:03] Judging myself more than I would judge anyone else. Yeah, I was holding myself to such a high standard that like

[01:07:10] I just wasn't even grateful for the things that I had right like I on my street like we're in a new suburb

[01:07:17] suburb of Stonewall

[01:07:20] Stonewall is not really that big

[01:07:22] But it's a new development area, right? But you look down the street. You see like our views and people's driveways

[01:07:28] Yeah, boats and yeah, I think fancy cars and their house is bigger than yours or something like that. I'm just like

[01:07:35] I

[01:07:38] Kind of wish that that was your your driveway instead, right?

[01:07:41] But then and one thing that my wife even says like you don't see their bills. Yeah

[01:07:47] They could be worse often you think yeah, and and so

[01:07:52] Like going to the counselor and kind of

[01:07:57] Stumbling across like I did do a lot more reading again like learning about I read this one book called

[01:08:04] Untangling your anxiety by Joshua Fletcher and Dean Stott and it really like again connected even more dots to

[01:08:13] How I was feeling what I was doing and what kind of led to like these anxiety driven like circles, okay?

[01:08:22] So that that book really helped me put that together

[01:08:26] seeing other people

[01:08:29] That hat like I went to the clinic like clinic in Winnipeg

[01:08:33] Yeah, they had a course kind of like similar to what the Adam course was okay

[01:08:38] But the same thing that the thing about this one was is it was in person?

[01:08:42] so

[01:08:43] Going there each each week on a Wednesday for an hour

[01:08:48] to to learn about anxiety and

[01:08:52] Like just stress and how like some stress is good stress like

[01:08:56] When you when you jump out at a plane and do this like skydive

[01:09:00] It's the same chemicals getting released when you're like shit. I got this bill to pay yeah

[01:09:05] Yeah, and and you start having the panic attacks

[01:09:07] So it's the exact same chemicals in your body is just how your how your mind is framing

[01:09:13] That particular stuff that that makes the difference, right?

[01:09:18] So between going and oh, I should also mention they changed my medication

[01:09:24] Okay, so now babe

[01:09:26] The doctors okay like the doctors not like the therapist recommendation or no, okay

[01:09:31] so they they

[01:09:33] When I went to the hospital that time

[01:09:36] They're like it's clear this one isn't working for you anymore

[01:09:39] We're gonna put you on this one plus this sleep aid which is called queti-peen

[01:09:44] It's for schizophrenia and bipolar. Okay, maybe I have bipolar

[01:09:50] Or schizophrenia

[01:09:53] But they they they give it to people who have major depression to help them sleep

[01:09:57] Yeah

[01:09:58] So so that's basically the cocktail that they gave me and it works. It's been doing me very well. Okay, good

[01:10:06] but I've also like

[01:10:09] Found out at that time too to kind of like backtrack a little bit is that this switch from the Klanazapam to the

[01:10:16] Klanazapam I was going through the withdrawal symptoms of the Klanazapam

[01:10:22] Which involved insomnia

[01:10:25] Suicidal thoughts

[01:10:27] So it was here's another curve ball

[01:10:30] Essentially that I feel like that really contributed to to it may not have been the entire factor

[01:10:37] But yeah, but that that's definitely what led me to the the final trip to the ER

[01:10:41] Yeah, right and but but this time the counselor the reading and all that stuff

[01:10:47] I just feel like this time. I've nailed it. Yeah, awesome. I feel like I finally have gotten because

[01:10:54] when we went to the hospital in December to

[01:11:00] For my wife to give Kate birth to my boy Tommy

[01:11:04] Again great name. I figured I throw that I figured I throw that back in there

[01:11:11] Didn't go nearly as smoothly as anyone thought it would okay

[01:11:16] Essentially what happened was is

[01:11:19] The night before he was born we were called in because he was 12 days overdue, okay

[01:11:25] And at that point they send you to the same office which isn't like

[01:11:29] Abnormal for your first one right? Yeah, like even my kid was I think due date was July

[01:11:35] 23rd or something and she wasn't born until August 1st. Yeah. Yeah

[01:11:39] So we've we found out like that that's not abnormal at all. Yeah, yeah

[01:11:44] So we went in for the induction and they did the whole process or whatever right? We walked around for an hour and

[01:11:51] Very closed St. Bonavis hospital. It's like you're telling my story because that's exactly I'll go walk around my own

[01:11:57] I can't

[01:11:59] Let's go so so boring just walking around up and down the hallway doing

[01:12:04] So we did that got back on the monitors and stuff like that

[01:12:08] They held us for actually a little bit longer than they normally would because they were like

[01:12:13] Something's a little off on the tracking. So they just monitor for a little bit longer

[01:12:17] And then it like 230 in the morning like go home

[01:12:20] Okay, when do we come back?

[01:12:23] either she's in

[01:12:24] contractions or whatever and or

[01:12:28] Sometime afternoon so we went home. It was extremely foggy. So that was a fun

[01:12:33] drive home

[01:12:35] and

[01:12:38] Probably like three hours later like well with in the time that we got home

[01:12:44] To the time that we drove back like her contractions like really started to hit

[01:12:49] And it's not like you guys leave leave the live like 10 15 minutes away. Yeah

[01:12:54] It was about half an hour or so. Yeah, so which I'm sure felt longer

[01:13:00] Yeah, definitely definitely on the way back

[01:13:02] Yeah

[01:13:03] So three hours later like it was getting pretty bad enough like yeah

[01:13:07] She was in a bit of like the contractions were hitting her pretty good, right? So we went back

[01:13:13] And now it was snowing instead of foggy

[01:13:18] It was

[01:13:21] Wait 10 minutes the weather will change

[01:13:25] so we got back and

[01:13:28] They put her back on the monitors, but every time she had a contraction his heart rate would dip

[01:13:33] Yeah, like pretty significantly it went like normally they're like 150 BPM or something like that

[01:13:38] It was dipping until like the 80s or something. Okay, so they put us in the labor labor ward and

[01:13:45] She had a contraction heart rate almost completely disappeared

[01:13:51] And they were getting ready to like they told us about

[01:13:55] What a C-section is and all that stuff and

[01:13:58] They're getting her on all fours to like get the kid off the bill of court, okay?

[01:14:04] whatever the yeah many like different positions they put you in one year and

[01:14:10] And I'm and I can tell like I was panicked

[01:14:13] It was scary stuff because like I say every time that she would contract his heart rate would almost disappear

[01:14:19] Yeah, it happened twice before they said she's getting the C-section

[01:14:23] yeah, and

[01:14:26] She she told me this last night that she looked at me and I wasn't there

[01:14:31] Yeah, like like I she can tell I was like either panicking or my anxiety was just through the roof enough

[01:14:40] Thankfully her mom was there with us. Okay

[01:14:43] So they're like okay well she can come in with a with you for the the C-section part. Yeah, and it and

[01:14:50] She as they transferred it to the gurney to run her down the hall or something like that

[01:14:55] and she's signing the papers or whatever and and

[01:14:57] What was scaring me the most at that time was that I was seeing someone run with my wife down the hall

[01:15:04] Mm-hmm, and it was just like that just doesn't sound good to me

[01:15:07] Yeah, it doesn't look good to me. We got to the recovery ward

[01:15:11] And they come in like so you're not gonna be able to go in at all

[01:15:15] We didn't even have time to put this the epidural in

[01:15:18] It's like we had to just knock her straight out. Yeah, so it was it was what they called the crash C-section. Okay, and

[01:15:26] So

[01:15:28] Like the whole experience with having like the birth of our son like she didn't get to hold them for an hour after he

[01:15:35] Was born. Yeah

[01:15:37] They they came back like 15 minutes are telling us that

[01:15:40] They

[01:15:41] No one can go in there. They just came back with my six pound five ounce kid. Yeah, here you go dad

[01:15:50] Okay, no, but yeah, like I remember doing my much first kid born it's like I

[01:15:56] That was the only time where I felt completely 100% useless

[01:16:01] Yep, there's nothing you can do and then same thing there's complications

[01:16:05] So they will my wife into the operating room and they're like wait here. I'm like what the fuck

[01:16:09] What do you mean wait here? Yeah, we'll be back in a minute. I'm literally like watch okay. It's been like two minutes

[01:16:15] Like two and a half minutes like what the hell, you know, and like it really wasn't probably

[01:16:20] Even five minutes, but like it felt so much longer

[01:16:23] Yeah, and and just they're like, okay put the scrubs on and then I it wasn't a C-section

[01:16:28] But like they had to cut my wife quite a bit and but it was just like it was the

[01:16:33] craziest thing where like you're there and just like

[01:16:37] What did what can I do? It's like nothing just be there and shut up and like I don't

[01:16:43] Powerless, I never really dealt with things like major anxiety. Yeah, and and but it's just like yeah, I was like

[01:16:50] What the fuck what's going on like somebody tell me something and no one's talking to you

[01:16:54] I didn't and shut the fuck up in and wife was yelling at me too. It's like, yeah

[01:16:58] I'll take it. It's that's familiar. Yeah

[01:17:01] But yeah, no, it's it's just such a such a weird feeling when you don't know what's going on and especially if you have

[01:17:07] Other things going on in your life like yeah

[01:17:11] Yeah, yeah, but what was good is that?

[01:17:16] Family was there to at least support us right and and and the next day like they because her oxygen levels were a little funky because of the

[01:17:26] Anesthesia they kept us in like the labor ward overnight

[01:17:30] So we kind of had our own private room for one night and the dedicated nurse which was good. Which was good

[01:17:35] Yeah, the next night we had the semi-private room

[01:17:39] Which I didn't know this like the dad doesn't get anywhere to sleep

[01:17:45] No, it's just all about yeah, well and it should be like I would say in that moment

[01:17:52] It'd be nice to have a bed probably yeah, also

[01:17:56] She just gave birth. Yeah. I mean I know when when my wife was in labor and then to finally give her depth at all

[01:18:03] went out for Salisbury steak and then came back and they had like one of those fold-out chairs

[01:18:09] Yeah, I folded out passed out my wife had to call the nurse to wake me up

[01:18:15] Father of the

[01:18:18] Yeah, so I didn't end up staying the second night

[01:18:22] They told me to go home because again, I was still kind of like in that panic state

[01:18:26] I think or anxiety-driven state like it was it was up there and I

[01:18:31] Slept for the night or whatever took I had the razzle pan at that time

[01:18:35] So I took one like at this point. I wasn't taking them like yeah every day or every second day

[01:18:41] Even I was down to like one a month. Yeah when needed. I guess yeah

[01:18:44] Yeah, it was absolutely when needed and that was one of those one needed points

[01:18:48] I haven't had to take anything like that sense, which is great

[01:18:51] and

[01:18:55] So yeah now I now I have definitely got like to the point where I can recognize when the anxiety is just way too much

[01:19:02] And I can work through it. That's awesome call someone if I have to yeah, that's so great out of the two months that we've we've had

[01:19:10] Thomas with us in in our house like we haven't

[01:19:15] We've had to call my mom once to help us

[01:19:19] That's and if she's willing to come help use it more man

[01:19:24] Use the grandparents more. Yeah. Yeah, I'm an Opa. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I kind of I joked about it

[01:19:31] but I really meant it at one point because my

[01:19:33] my in-laws

[01:19:35] We only have my in-laws my parents are still in Europe, but

[01:19:39] You know when we asked them and they're like, yeah, we can come help him

[01:19:43] Okay, you can say no, but like you did one grandkids

[01:19:47] I

[01:19:51] Was joking about that with my father. Oh, you're getting pretty old

[01:19:58] Yeah, what's great is that my parents are like literally a stone throw away

[01:20:03] Two minute two minute driving around the block

[01:20:07] Perfect, so I mean that could be good thing and a bath. Yeah, but if you get along with your parents

[01:20:12] We definitely definitely do so. Yeah, that was one one emergency call. It's like this kid will not shut up

[01:20:21] Yeah

[01:20:22] And you'll have plenty of nights like that probably in days, but I mean that's just being he's been pretty good though

[01:20:28] Like we can't complain at all. He sleeps. Nice man. I mean, it's awesome. Hey, yeah

[01:20:33] Sounds like you have a healthy healthy boy and

[01:20:37] You're doing great. Yeah, I'm so happy that

[01:20:40] You shared your journey through this. Yeah, it was definitely a long one

[01:20:46] It definitely hit its troubles along the way

[01:20:49] but the one thing I would definitely say to people is like

[01:20:52] It may feel good for a little while and then feel shitty, but fuck he's gonna get good again

[01:20:57] Yeah, like like just and and

[01:21:01] Another thing that I really

[01:21:03] Try to do is just be grateful for what I have. Yeah, I have a car

[01:21:07] I have a house. I have a steady job and I have I have a kid

[01:21:13] Like shit's okay, yeah, it could be a fuck ton worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I had a

[01:21:20] Co-worker that told me he was he was a

[01:21:23] Method and he started going to therapy and

[01:21:28] Rehab and all that and says when he sat down with a group of people that went that are going through the same shit

[01:21:36] He says holy fuck like my situation

[01:21:39] I thought it was really bad. Yeah until I heard the stories from other people and I think that that helps too because

[01:21:45] It either helps you like okay your your situation is not as bad or it acts at least

[01:21:50] It makes you realize that okay, I'm not the only one. Yeah, not alone in this. Yeah

[01:21:54] Yeah, I think group

[01:21:57] I've never done group therapy neither, but I think I can see how it can be helpful

[01:22:02] Yeah, and never needed it necessarily and then also stumbling upon this show

[01:22:07] Yeah, definitely helped to like kind of put that into perspective too is like I'm not the only way

[01:22:13] That has these thoughts that worries about this crap and like and and yeah

[01:22:18] So now I just I know ways to break the cycle and know how to like not

[01:22:22] Let my mind run away with yeah with a silly thought well

[01:22:26] That's so good like to have control to have to have more control over that because I think so much of like what you talked

[01:22:32] About in the beginnings of your journey through this is like you weren't able to do that

[01:22:37] You didn't have the tools you didn't have the knowledge you didn't have the experience or time with it

[01:22:41] Yeah, to get to know it well enough to recognize. Yeah, and so and like such a huge that's such a huge win for you

[01:22:47] Yeah, that's great. I mean I'm definitely in the wins fun. Yeah

[01:22:50] Spot right now and I hope that that continues but I do know like there's been days a couple so far

[01:22:56] It's just like I'm shitty day today. Yeah, yeah, and and maybe what I need what I need to do is just say hey

[01:23:04] I need to take 20 minutes and go like

[01:23:07] Meditate for yeah, yeah, well life is up and down always right so I definitely found like in

[01:23:13] And since I started seeing the counselor I started doing

[01:23:17] Especially at work 15 minute walks

[01:23:19] So instead of instead of sitting on my desk and watching a YouTube video or some some crap like that

[01:23:24] Yeah, I go as I'd I take a 15 minute walk

[01:23:27] Yeah, and what's great about my company or where I'm located is there's a bunch of like wooded area

[01:23:33] Oh, so that's great. So nice. So like from time to time I will go on that walk and I will see like 15 deer

[01:23:39] Yeah, that's awesome. I can love me. Yeah, love hunting and all that stuff. There you go

[01:23:44] Yeah, just love sitting in nature. So go for that walk come back

[01:23:48] Maybe at lunch. I'll take up 20 minute meditation or whatever

[01:23:51] Meditation really helped me and what's what's great now is I don't need to rely on a meditation to get through the day

[01:23:58] So well, that's awesome man. Good for you. Thank you

[01:24:02] I can't tell you how much we appreciate you being willing to come here and share that story

[01:24:07] That's not easy and that's it. It's so helpful to everybody and like

[01:24:12] You know, I say it all the time but like every episode we do I get something out of it, too

[01:24:16] Yeah, I want to thank you for sharing that with us. No problem

[01:24:19] I'm sure and congratulations on your baby and your happy life and happy wife. I hope and hopefully she's happy

[01:24:29] I don't know how he's been because she's at home with him right now. Yeah, well, we'll let you get home right away

[01:24:34] Yeah, I mean, you know and as much as

[01:24:37] Moms needs time alone the break from babies. So do dads as well and

[01:24:43] As long as you guys are doing that too, then great again

[01:24:47] Yeah, thank you just whatever I'm not gonna repeat what Tim said but appreciate you coming and sharing everything and

[01:24:53] Just to the listeners. I hope you guys enjoyed listening to this story and hopefully it helps you in any way

[01:25:00] Check us out on Instagram

[01:25:02] Quiet right show right? Yeah, I'm not the one I'm blanking I'm blanking here

[01:25:08] But yeah, quiet ride show on Instagram and shoot us an email. That's how Keith

[01:25:12] And us met really he sent us an email with his story and then now he's on the show so

[01:25:18] Our email addresses to quite quiet riot show at gmail.com. So shoot us an email and maybe you'll be on the show as well

[01:25:25] So Keith before you leave us

[01:25:28] Every guest you get a quiet riot mug from us as well enjoy your coffees or

[01:25:38] Enjoy it and thank you again for for joining us. Thank you so much for having me

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