"Dadventures - A Journey Through Fatherhood" with Tommy Maguire

[00:00:00] Never a dull moment. Yeah, oh, just don't say that I hate when people say that because it just invites chaos

[00:00:08] Don't say that my life has been chaos. Did you ever think maybe because that's what you're saying

[00:00:13] You're manifesting

[00:00:30] Welcome back everybody. Oh you're doing the intro today. I think we've already started like I like these unplanned stars

[00:00:45] Soft the cold starts for sure. It's it's just uh, you know what like why not like sure? Yeah, let's throw the formal shit out

[00:00:53] Yeah, for today. I don't like doing it anyway

[00:00:57] I'm excited about today's episode me too when you like all of them

[00:01:01] Yeah, but like when you told me today what we're going to be discussing. I'm like, oh, I have a lot to say about this

[00:01:08] Because I believe I went through a lot of

[00:01:13] ups and downs

[00:01:15] When my kids were born yeah both times different scenarios different feelings and you know like when they say with the

[00:01:24] Newborn first kid you don't know what you're doing with the second one. It's gonna be easier, but that's bullshit

[00:01:33] Okay, cuz

[00:01:35] Second one's totally different kid. Yeah, and then there's new things so your two kids couldn't be any more different from each other

[00:01:41] Oh my god, right?

[00:01:45] So yeah, I guess I'll let you introduce our guests today since you're the one that brought him in and sure

[00:01:50] I just met him today first time and we got a it's the tale of two Tommy

[00:01:58] For sure

[00:02:00] I know you like to usually do like subject matter appropriate, but this one's just gonna be called tale of two Tommy

[00:02:07] And I'm just gonna listen to you guys talk about being dads like I've had the easiest journey being a dad

[00:02:13] Compared to the two you can talk about that. I can learn a lot from you guys for sure

[00:02:18] So actually I really want to learn I I had a different experience becoming a father

[00:02:24] And so I will I'll talk about that a bit on the show today and like

[00:02:29] It's been a different experience and like it comes with its own child own challenges

[00:02:33] I know right well, yeah, that has a totally different aspect of

[00:02:38] Fatherhood. Yeah, yeah, and like I I love her so much. Yep. And so we all do and

[00:02:46] We'll get into that but yeah, so Tommy McGuire. Yeah a friend of mine. We've known each other for a few years

[00:02:53] Yeah, you got through work. Yeah, is your brother Jerry?

[00:03:02] That's the episode

[00:03:11] Welcome here man. Thank you so much for being here. I mean

[00:03:14] I don't know how many episodes you've listened to or if you kind of picked away at a few just to get a little bit familiar with what

[00:03:20] We do here, but like

[00:03:22] It's sometimes not the easiest

[00:03:25] Podcast to be on. Yeah, I think that like we

[00:03:28] We bear ourselves and we talk as men aren't supposed to talk and we're not supposed to do these things sometimes

[00:03:33] And I know we know that's changing. Yeah, the world's changing a bit in that sense

[00:03:37] But like it can be difficult. It can be hard. It can be heavy. It can be fun

[00:03:41] It's whatever the fuck you want it to be for sure. I appreciate you being willing to be here

[00:03:45] Oh, yeah to share those things so absolutely when I drive over here

[00:03:48] I was like it's like I'm gonna therapy or something

[00:03:50] You know what and I think I say this every show but you do I get something out of this every time

[00:03:56] I do yeah, like I leave with something

[00:03:59] Feeling something better or learn something or take something from it every time we do for sure

[00:04:04] Yeah, I view that as such a gift

[00:04:06] Even if we talk about the same topic like everyone's view is different right yeah, we

[00:04:12] We're gonna be talking about

[00:04:14] Like parenting, you know and what we went through as men but like we can talk about

[00:04:19] The same topic with ten other dads and they all different different opinions, right? Absolutely

[00:04:25] We're never going through the same shit. I mean we are going through the same stuff, but we're experiencing it differently. Yeah

[00:04:30] Yeah, that's a good way. Yeah. Yeah, oh yeah with English as a second language

[00:04:36] I mean practicing that

[00:04:39] Even hold on to that one. Haven't you I don't know it just comes to me that

[00:04:46] So part of our show and if you don't know we do a check in

[00:04:57] So the check-in portion is it's oh man, I always have to explain it

[00:05:01] You don't actually I don't think you have to explain

[00:05:03] It's a check-in one to ten you can pick the timeline. It doesn't matter

[00:05:08] So we do a one to ten

[00:05:09] How are you doing? You can pick the time frame on which you want to operate on sometimes

[00:05:14] Because we don't always these episodes come out after we've recorded them or like two weeks ahead

[00:05:18] Right, we've done it a month behind whatever so you can pick your timeline

[00:05:22] Me and my wife use this system at home because I as she would say I'm a robot

[00:05:27] Yeah, so she never knows how to read me. Yeah, which is funny because she reads people for a living

[00:05:31] Yep, and

[00:05:33] We use a number system and it gives a quick gauge on like hey, where are you at?

[00:05:37] And like Tommy and I use it on the show. I use it with my friends now

[00:05:41] I use it with like yeah, we like we use it to we use it with each other

[00:05:44] I use it with a number of other people and like other people are now using it

[00:05:48] It's it's bleeding out and so it's actually just like a really easy way to like

[00:05:52] Get a gauge on someone and also get like a starting point for like

[00:05:56] Should we talk about this or are we good?

[00:05:59] Yeah, or we do we not need to or you're not want to right and like the standards are different for every person like for you a

[00:06:05] Regular normal days like a seven. Yeah me at my back like in a good day for me is a seven

[00:06:11] Yeah, and for someone it could be to exceed seven very often. Yeah, so my look at it as like okay

[00:06:16] I'm a five because like I'm not super happy, but I'm also not sad right so they're taking it as like it's in the middle, right?

[00:06:23] But yeah for us, it's basically one being like you're absolutely shitty and ten being like you're happy. Yeah

[00:06:30] That's got yeah, so let me start with you. All right

[00:06:34] I'm gonna go based on the last

[00:06:38] Seven or eight days and I would say that I'm like a six and a half

[00:06:43] Okay, so that's not horrible. It's been pretty good like things have been alright

[00:06:47] Yeah, it's been a lot of my daughters in club volleyball. Yep, and so there's been like tournaments

[00:06:54] I'm a sports dad for the first time and like I still can't picture you fuck

[00:06:59] It's a lot. I think I need to show up with one of the one of the events and just take it

[00:07:06] So it's been just like a lot like it a lot for her too like we she has three practices a week

[00:07:12] She's had tournaments every weekend like it's a lot of commitment for her

[00:07:15] And I can't imagine what that feels like for her as a 12 year old and then it's a lot of commitment for me and Rachel

[00:07:21] Like it's you're driving her here. You're picking her up. You're driving her here

[00:07:24] You're picking her up. You're going to this tournament then you're there all day

[00:07:27] Like you're hanging out doing the sports parents thing

[00:07:30] I'm making friends making friends of strangers that I like normally probably wouldn't make friends with

[00:07:37] But we're finding our way and we've built some actually relationships that I think that will take out of this season and continue

[00:07:43] Like that's a gift and that's a blessing and like yeah, so I'd say I'm a six and a half

[00:07:48] I've been really busy with obviously work is nuts and time you know about that but yeah Tommy and I work together

[00:07:55] But the other Tommy we work together

[00:07:57] So we both kind of have a gauge on how the insanity that's been our business for the last while

[00:08:03] I've talked about it on the show before but

[00:08:06] Everything's going great. So I can't be upset about too much stuff. And so I'll say six and a half

[00:08:11] Okay, I'm running about seven and a half. I'd say

[00:08:21] You know what it's been

[00:08:23] So I think the last episode I was about an eight and I was busy but happy but

[00:08:30] It's

[00:08:33] Before the trip I'm heading out

[00:08:35] So by the time this episode is out, I will be already in Slovakia

[00:08:39] So before the trip I need to get there's so many things I have to get done

[00:08:44] One of them was taken out the camper to the site. So it's it's set up. It's there and

[00:08:50] Wife can actually go and enjoy it while I'm gone

[00:08:55] A few things, you know after the winter like that the normal routine that we do like still got to get that done

[00:09:00] While I'm catching finishing up a couple big jobs as well. So it's just been really busy and like

[00:09:06] You know this morning like I slept through five alarms

[00:09:09] No idea my wife like hey, aren't you supposed to be a work? I'm like

[00:09:13] But like it just happened like no idea like yeah

[00:09:17] You know been sleeping very little but other than that like I'm doing good because like yeah

[00:09:24] but

[00:09:25] Been okay like mentally. I'm I it's one of those things that I know what I need to do and

[00:09:31] I just

[00:09:33] I gotta get there doesn't matter how but I gotta get there

[00:09:36] I got to say the last few times and I see you fairly often

[00:09:39] But like the last few times I've seen you you've had a a brighter demeanor

[00:09:44] Mm-hmm. Yeah, like yeah, like you just you've you're very but you're no less busy

[00:09:49] You're no less occupied, but like you've actually had a little more umph in your whatever

[00:09:55] Well, and I talked actually today. I talked to two people about this that

[00:09:59] You know life throws a shit all the time like there's always always something that you know like someone's either someone or something happens

[00:10:08] Yeah

[00:10:09] it's just one it wants to ruin your day and

[00:10:13] I just try to like throw it behind my back and like move forward like not to

[00:10:18] Dwell on what what happened? Okay, it happens. So let's see what we need to do to

[00:10:24] Either fix the problem or just kind of move on from it, right?

[00:10:29] Just been trying to focus in on the positive things

[00:10:31] It seems to be working

[00:10:33] Yeah

[00:10:33] I've noticed a difference in you in the last and you could go back on episodes actually and probably see the shift in

[00:10:39] Your numbers and so that's awesome. Good for you man. That's great. Tommy other Tommy

[00:10:46] How are we gonna do?

[00:10:48] It's okay. Okay. We'll just go go through. I'm okay with other time

[00:10:53] New Tommy, I don't know guests Tommy

[00:10:56] How about you? I'd say like six three. Okay, yeah, that's right, you know

[00:11:01] The last few weeks for sure. Yeah, my my girlfriend was gone for a week the couple weeks ago

[00:11:07] So that was my first solo dad. Oh, yeah. Yeah

[00:11:11] Yeah, remember that yeah, it was great

[00:11:14] There's a lot of work especially juggling the two jobs and trying to have a bit of a social life

[00:11:19] Which is pretty much zero at this point, but

[00:11:22] It was good like there was lots of positive positives there got to bond with my with my little one

[00:11:28] So I got a one-year-old daughter now

[00:11:30] So yeah, thanks man

[00:11:32] And then a week later was planning for her birthday party, which was awesome

[00:11:39] But again gong show. Yeah, it's super busy. Yeah lots going on

[00:11:43] And then we just went away

[00:11:45] To do a cabin we rented for the last couple days. So and now I'm here

[00:11:48] So it's just non-stop, which is good. I like being busy. Yeah, but you know didn't do my meditations

[00:11:57] You know didn't didn't kind of

[00:12:00] Reflect on the days

[00:12:04] It's like the things that used to do for yourself, it's like you might have some time for it

[00:12:10] You know, but like it's in the in the little corner and I mean I could host to people that can manage that

[00:12:15] But like I know they're extremely busy. Yeah, do you have a like do you have a bit of a?

[00:12:22] Personal care routine that you go through both like mentally. Yeah for sure. I mean shower. So that's nice

[00:12:31] No, but do you have like something you do for yourself mentally to like keep you at a sort of good state?

[00:12:36] Yeah, I mean it's changed for sure after having

[00:12:41] After having a kid, but I try to do at least

[00:12:46] Once a day just a quick reflection

[00:12:49] I have a little

[00:12:51] Notification of my phone every every day at noon and at 7 so when my daughter's down

[00:12:56] Try to do a little 10 or 15 minute

[00:12:59] Meditation, okay, you know, and that's just usually sit in the basement close my eyes or just reflect on the day

[00:13:05] You know how was the day right? Was it was a good?

[00:13:08] What was the bad parts was that was the good parts and that's pretty good. Yeah, and then

[00:13:13] And then just try to stay in the moment

[00:13:17] For sure. That's my biggest struggle is

[00:13:20] Dwelling on the past or yeah, you know anxious about the future

[00:13:23] Okay

[00:13:23] What do we got do you have enough food in the fridge for for the next few days?

[00:13:26] You know are there any big bills coming up? Yeah, you know I'm present. Yeah, so hard. Yeah, yeah totally

[00:13:33] My wife does that for me

[00:13:35] I

[00:13:41] Don't I don't know but I

[00:13:44] Was supposed to go to the bank like pick up change and it's been a week now. I haven't gone

[00:13:49] It's just like oh, yeah, I'm gonna do that

[00:13:51] I'm literally I literally hop in the car and I drive right by the bank

[00:13:55] Yeah, and I probably looked at the bank too and just like it there's certain information

[00:14:00] They cannot hold in my hand so my wife tells me like yeah about like hey we need groceries

[00:14:06] Oh shit, okay, or like you know like sure like she's she's on top of like our schedule

[00:14:11] We just thank God cuz she's a great manager of the awesome. Oh my god. Yeah, like we'd be and thank fuck that she is

[00:14:18] We'd be would be a mess. Yeah, I'd be a mess for sure. Yeah

[00:14:23] Okay, let's well, so let's I guess we kind of got it right into it from your check-in

[00:14:30] So yeah, you're a singer

[00:14:32] Sorry, you're a single dad. You're a new dad

[00:14:46] No, but so yeah, you're a new dad like a year it's still

[00:14:50] the first year

[00:14:52] Really the baby just sleeps eats. Yeah poops. Yep

[00:14:56] That's about it right like and then I know my wife the way she explained it to me

[00:15:00] It's like it sucks that math leaves only a year because at one is when they start to really interact with

[00:15:08] Show emotions and that's when the fun part starts and like oh no, here's daycare

[00:15:13] You know or like here's totally grandma grandpa or whoever and then you go back to work

[00:15:18] Yeah, not sure with your situation. Is your wife working?

[00:15:22] Yeah, she's working yeah self-employed or no she works for

[00:15:27] Flying squirrel, so it's okay. Okay. Yeah kids. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate it

[00:15:35] Yeah, okay, so so she had a year off or no one necessarily was like four months

[00:15:42] Okay, and then yeah right back to work

[00:15:45] She works on the corporate side of things

[00:15:47] She oversees all the parks in the US. Oh, okay, so I don't know if it's a luxury or not

[00:15:53] But you know we got that I guess freedom to both like I work from home

[00:15:58] Okay, and on the roads it's a little bit of hybrid rule and then she is strictly at home

[00:16:03] And then travels maybe three times or four times a year to the states

[00:16:06] Yeah

[00:16:07] So you don't have like an office you have to go to no, yeah, and I know this already

[00:16:12] Yeah, I'm gonna act like I don't know some of these

[00:16:14] Listeners can get it but like yeah, you don't actually have like an office you have to go to every day or whatever

[00:16:19] No, and did you had you framed your life up to be that is that kind of what you've always wanted? Yeah, absolutely

[00:16:26] So

[00:16:28] I've always worked either at an office

[00:16:30] Or a car dealership is kind of where I came from. Yeah, not that I'm a car person

[00:16:36] At all is

[00:16:38] More to sales. Yeah, it's more. Yeah getting the experience and you know

[00:16:42] Whether you saw cars or other products at the end of the pretty much you'd say oh, yeah

[00:16:46] So sure. Yeah sales is sales. Yeah, but anyways. Yeah, I kind of

[00:16:54] You know everything happens for a reason right and and she when she was pregnant

[00:16:59] She got a promotion at work and that took her from working at the park in Winnipeg to working from home

[00:17:04] Okay before she even announced she was pregnant. So it worked out quite well in that sense and then for me

[00:17:11] I quit that busy office job

[00:17:16] When she was pregnant the first time yeah

[00:17:19] Because we lost our first our first first

[00:17:22] Yeah, thanks man. Yeah, yeah

[00:17:25] But I set myself up to have that flexibility at home

[00:17:30] To help out because we don't have the same support level at most

[00:17:35] Most people have so yeah, we kind of set ourselves up like that. Yeah

[00:17:39] I do wish she was took her mat leave for the four year or I did at least but yeah

[00:17:46] Yeah, so so

[00:17:49] From just from like the the mom's perspective

[00:17:53] Like I can't even imagine being a new mom because I know they're like

[00:17:59] Their hormones are just absolutely through the roof right through throughout the pregnancy and yet after that, right?

[00:18:05] There's a lot of women that get into that postpartum depression and that's that I've seen it and it's absolutely brutal

[00:18:12] It's a scary. Oh, I know I will never claim to know anything about

[00:18:17] What so ever and so respect I have friends I have friends who?

[00:18:22] Who work with yeah who work with postpartum and who have had really awful experiences through that like I

[00:18:28] Will never know and can't imagine what that feels like but it must be hell right and so on top of that now

[00:18:34] She's working from home. Yeah while trying to raise a baby and like yeah first year like we mentioned

[00:18:40] Yep, they sleep a lot they eat I mean it's it's it can be easy

[00:18:45] It also can be a fucking nightmare

[00:18:48] Baby's a call call. Yeah, it must be a big change regardless and and we've we've talked about like having

[00:18:56] Home office or work working from home if you don't have that space where you literally go away

[00:19:02] Yeah, and do your work like there's always distractions phone rings. Yeah kid cries dogs barking

[00:19:09] Something right? Yeah, it's a lot to handle mentally whether you're a man or a woman like it doesn't matter

[00:19:16] It's a lot to handle mentally

[00:19:18] That pressure right so I mean kudos to you guys that you're both worker working from home, right and

[00:19:25] Trying to raise this little human

[00:19:27] So

[00:19:29] Like so what so let's talk about the like I was gonna say it comes with challenges, right? Yeah

[00:19:34] Yeah, so let's talk about a the pregnancy part

[00:19:37] So you just you just mentioned a few minutes ago like you lost your first one

[00:19:42] Do you want to sort of share that experience with us? Yeah for sure. I mean

[00:19:48] Yeah, it's funny because when she announced it to me I remember I was sitting in my office

[00:19:53] I think I was playing video games or high as a kite or something and

[00:19:58] And this was I guess right after

[00:20:02] Right after COVID yeah, whatever and she comes in and she shows me a test

[00:20:06] And I thought it was a COVID test. I was like, oh sweet. We get to take the next couple weeks off work

[00:20:12] Lots of movies and and no, yeah, it was a pregnancy test and

[00:20:17] There was no, you know negative doubts in my mind

[00:20:20] It was it was all excitement obviously very anxious and like hope shit. No, I guess is real right

[00:20:27] but we both wanted it and

[00:20:30] And it was a great great experience, but immediately it was like a switch flipped

[00:20:36] And it was like those basic

[00:20:39] Instincts of being a human and a male, right? It's like okay. I gotta make sure you know that the house is proper

[00:20:47] You know we're financially prepared

[00:20:49] You know I got to make a change the work

[00:20:51] Yeah, works not gonna work out you know working in these crazy hours and I don't even love what I do

[00:20:58] You know I gotta work on myself

[00:21:01] All right, it's game time

[00:21:05] And were you guys so were you guys like trying or not no not trying?

[00:21:11] Yeah, a little bit of both. Okay, you weren't putting any blocks up. Yeah condoms don't work

[00:21:20] I

[00:21:21] Was telling you earlier about my buddy. Yeah in his 40s. Yeah, he was wearing one. Oh didn't work

[00:21:26] Yeah, yeah

[00:21:29] Yeah, so yeah, she got pregnant and

[00:21:34] You know, I think we like we were prepared in terms in terms of like

[00:21:38] We accepted it. We both want to be parents. We knew this was gonna be life-changing. It was a plan

[00:21:44] Yeah, that was the plan we did a little a couple a couple trips

[00:21:49] while she was pregnant and then

[00:21:52] I think it was like seven months around there and a call at work and

[00:21:57] And this is when I put my two weeks in with with my with my employer at the time. That was a really good paying job

[00:22:05] You know, it was great great work and and I quit already

[00:22:10] So I could be at home and help out and stuff like that and she's again. I lost the kid

[00:22:18] And it was like fuck man, like that's a long

[00:22:22] Yeah, I don't quote me on the seven but it was definitely like further like we're not talking about the first no trimester

[00:22:28] You know when like most of those things happen when

[00:22:33] So what like what how did that?

[00:22:36] How did you feel at that point? Oh man? Like

[00:22:39] I

[00:22:41] It's funny because you know, there's so much going on in this world

[00:22:47] Nowadays with opinions and you know right wing and left wing politics

[00:22:52] Yeah, you know abortions and all that shit and

[00:22:57] And I'm definitely on the side of things where it's like hey

[00:23:00] You know make your decision, you know, whatever is right for you and your family or life

[00:23:04] Like hey go for it right and for me when we lost that child

[00:23:10] It was like it was like we lost our kid

[00:23:14] That kid yeah, no that baby, you know, like we didn't experience anything but

[00:23:20] You paint a picture in your head of what kind of father you want to be or a role model or well

[00:23:27] And at that point like you're yeah, you're planning everything out like you're totally

[00:23:33] You're in the home because yeah like he's in the first trimester, you know

[00:23:37] Maybe imagine certain things like oh this is what we could do will be doing as a family

[00:23:41] All right, but closer to the pregnancy like you have like detailed plans already. Oh, yeah, man

[00:23:47] For sure. We had names picked out. Yeah, we like the nursery was ready to go

[00:23:51] I painted it, you know like me like even just little things like putting the dresser together

[00:23:56] Like it was like we were good. You're just ready. Yeah, but that's life for you, right?

[00:24:01] It's like you could be as prepared as possible, but he just never he's never fucking so what was what was that like from

[00:24:08] And you don't have to divulge anything that she experienced if you don't want to but like what was that like for your relationship?

[00:24:14] Yeah, you as a as the dad

[00:24:17] Yeah, this like what what was that like for you to go through that experience?

[00:24:22] She had her own and we don't need to talk about her right, but that how did that affect you and her

[00:24:26] And how did that affect you? Well, we both, you know

[00:24:30] Especially as a male and a female and she was raised there

[00:24:34] She was growing that that human inside of her. I wasn't there was completely different

[00:24:40] Feelings going on in opinions and all that shit and for me. It was just like, you know

[00:24:46] I just got to be there for her during this time like like fuck my feelings. Yeah. Yeah, like

[00:24:53] 100%

[00:24:55] Certain extent, I think rightfully so like I think we have moments as man where it's like, oh no

[00:25:00] This isn't my time to yeah. Oh, I don't get to have feelings about or at least it's not the time for it

[00:25:05] Yeah, we can talk about my feelings after well, and she was

[00:25:09] seven months give or take into like

[00:25:12] Really physically building a bond with this child

[00:25:16] Whether she had spoken to it or not in that sense, but like it happened it was happening

[00:25:22] Did that how was that for so you you took a supporting role obviously of her. What was that like for you?

[00:25:30] Yeah, I mean it was hard because again like I've always been the type of person and I guess

[00:25:38] Man or whatever boy growing up where I

[00:25:42] Never put myself first. I was always putting other people before me

[00:25:46] brushing under the rug

[00:25:48] dealing with in other ways, you know if it's going to the gym or going for a run or smoke a joint or ever and

[00:25:53] You know during that time

[00:25:56] You know I again didn't have that support system didn't have that community wasn't going to therapy was more

[00:26:05] Focused on on her and then back to our relationship and then back to

[00:26:10] Hey, I'm not done

[00:26:12] Wanting to try to do this and I don't want to fail at doing it. So let's try again

[00:26:19] You know and in her perspective again, like I can't speak on on her feelings

[00:26:23] But you know for what she has explained is like as a female or a mother trying to grow a child

[00:26:29] And you lose that it's a massive failure

[00:26:32] so

[00:26:33] You know, let's try again. Yeah, and we did and

[00:26:37] You know, there was lots of tough times through that pregnancy to yeah lots. Oh, yeah

[00:26:43] Well and so now with the second pregnancy I

[00:26:47] And I'm assuming correct me if I'm wrong, but I pretty sure he was in the back of your minds

[00:26:52] Oh, yeah, what if happens again, dude, probably every day

[00:26:55] Yeah, and any any sign of like probably the baby not moving or you know, man

[00:27:01] Just like this was it just I mean

[00:27:05] We went through with

[00:27:08] Okay, you know like like we still were like oh shit like that's that's that's in blood

[00:27:15] But it's like baby hasn't moved in like yeah two hours. Yeah

[00:27:18] Yeah, you know, it's like well, maybe it was just napping right? Yes. Yeah as a new parent like

[00:27:24] Expecting parents. Yeah, you don't know these things right? Yeah, and now going through that trauma. Yeah, like yeah

[00:27:30] Yeah, I can't imagine. I'm sorry that you guys have to go. Oh, yeah, I appreciate it man

[00:27:34] But it's cool being able to talk to people like yourselves about this shit because my friends don't know

[00:27:41] Yeah, a lot of people don't know

[00:27:43] So I'm not sure your friend. Do you have friends with kids or not really? Yeah, so

[00:27:49] Those ones don't want to hear that shit

[00:27:52] Really like I mean let's be honest, right? I just don't get it

[00:27:55] Yeah, exactly cuz like they're not at that stage in their lives, which is okay

[00:27:58] Yeah, like so yeah, if you want to open up to those friends that have no kids will be like

[00:28:04] Let's go get fucked up like well that's it. So for me like I had a different experience. Yeah, and

[00:28:13] My relationships with certain people changed so dramatically

[00:28:17] After I was a dad and I didn't I didn't create autumn. She's not my birth daughter

[00:28:24] But she's my daughter. Yep, and I'm her dad

[00:28:26] like there's no question about that and like

[00:28:31] Until I

[00:28:33] Took on that role of being a father to her like I didn't understand

[00:28:39] I just I had no idea what it was like for other for dad

[00:28:42] Well, it's not part of your life

[00:28:44] I knew my dad was like with me and I knew like how to be a dad because

[00:28:51] You were looking at it as I'm looking at it from like an yeah from a son's perspective

[00:28:55] Not from a dad's perspective and I just didn't know what that was like and like

[00:28:59] That's a whole different fucking beast. Yeah, I just had this conversation

[00:29:04] She was eight when I right like when I became her dad

[00:29:07] She was eight so like because she had been through like you know, you've been through that

[00:29:12] Yep, you've been through those first eight years. You're you're only a year in so actually have no idea

[00:29:17] What it's like being you right now. Yeah

[00:29:20] Like happy belated birthday

[00:29:23] To your daughter, but like I don't know what that's like so it's it's interesting. It smells a little bit. There's lots of puking

[00:29:35] Okay, so she got so then she got pregnant again

[00:29:39] Yeah, obviously there's like some level of stress with that

[00:29:42] Oh, totally regardless of losing the first one or not. There's probably just stressed around having a pregnant wife

[00:29:48] Oh, yeah, like I mean or partners. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's well. Yeah, it's the combination of you know

[00:29:54] Like you're mentioning Tommy like the hormones and stuff, but then also that the back of your mind like

[00:30:00] How's it going today? Yeah, how's the child like how's the baby doing?

[00:30:04] You know going to go into checkups doing the private ultrasound thing because we're so anxious all

[00:30:09] Yeah, and then

[00:30:11] And then you know at the the final stretch, right? It's like alright. It's game time like we're good

[00:30:17] Baby's good

[00:30:19] And I remember I had a diaper party

[00:30:23] Rented a cabin me and the friends got fucked up. Yeah, they did much mushrooms awesome

[00:30:29] Good time and then but the day before that

[00:30:32] She she had her 20 week checkup and the baby's head is

[00:30:39] Measured like I think they said is the second or third percentile. Okay, yeah

[00:30:45] Like how big it was so they they have so they have these charts. Yeah, help me understand

[00:30:55] I bet you're like if any moms listen to this they'll be like these guys are full

[00:31:02] Understand the best this episode is not for you

[00:31:05] Understood there's a chart. Yeah, so this is like this is the curve and your kids should be growing

[00:31:11] According to that curse. Okay, but every every every child was different and even this is after

[00:31:18] Yeah, even after once they're born like they're like, okay, they're growing it should be on that curve

[00:31:22] Right. Okay, and so, you know kid could be either above or below that that curve

[00:31:27] And that's how they had those percentiles. Yeah, it's actually set up

[00:31:31] So like so when it was above

[00:31:34] Usually it was okay if it was below like just a little bit. It's fine if you look quite a bit and then they're like well

[00:31:39] Concerning yeah, yeah, and that's where you guys were at. Okay, so like her head size was concerning essentially

[00:31:45] Wasn't you know based off of her weights and our you know all that shit. Yeah, it was measuring

[00:31:53] Lower than average. Okay, and then a day later. I'm eating mushrooms and taking shots of Jameson and

[00:31:58] My friends are like what's going on dude?

[00:32:02] It's yeah, it was it was a lot now I saw her she has a normal sized head. Oh, yeah

[00:32:09] I was gonna say like you don't have a no man

[00:32:13] This is a youth large

[00:32:18] Yeah, I got a small head

[00:32:20] But but yeah

[00:32:21] Like I actually had to get my wife to stop reading baby books because it's and looking shit up

[00:32:26] I mean because it's like oh if this happens and this could be this and this and this and this and this

[00:32:32] Well, we didn't have the internet a hundred like 50 years ago. Yeah, exactly

[00:32:39] God for the research that comes with it, right like that's great. It has its benefits. Yeah, but but at one point

[00:32:46] It's like okay, you cannot be

[00:32:48] Asset like you're not a professional you cannot assess. Yep

[00:32:52] What's going on with the baby based on what you're feeling because that could be million things. So

[00:32:57] Again like their emotions are a roller coaster and you as a man are there to support her

[00:33:04] Yeah, and like yeah, like when how do you find time for yourself?

[00:33:08] That's a party, right? I mean and then you know why I I told I

[00:33:14] Told us to my wife when we went through like marriage issues and

[00:33:19] And I guess kind of use the same analogy during pregnancy as well

[00:33:24] And just kind of parenthood that I need to be able to do things for myself because if I don't do those

[00:33:31] I'm gonna be miserable prick. Oh, yeah

[00:33:34] There's actually a really good video on on Instagram and if I find it I'm gonna try to share it

[00:33:38] But they're saying something along the lines that a depressed man

[00:33:43] Will still be there to support you but you're not gonna like how he acts what he does

[00:33:49] He'll still do what's necessary. Yeah, but you will not like that person

[00:33:53] Yeah, yeah, I can I can and that's why I told my wife like I had to do this shit for myself

[00:33:58] Whether it's going out to my buddy's place watch a hockey game or jam or go to concert

[00:34:06] Whatever it is that makes you happy. Yeah, yeah kind of and this is I love what kids used it in school

[00:34:13] It's you have a bucket. Yep

[00:34:15] And like you fill your bucket with happiness, right?

[00:34:17] And then that bucket always depletes a little bit

[00:34:20] It's you constantly have to keep putting shit in you got it

[00:34:23] And and that was my bucket like I had to in order for me to be there to help and support

[00:34:29] I need to do shit for myself and

[00:34:31] And so it was very important for me to do that during pregnancy, but again

[00:34:36] Then I felt like an asshole. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I had a blast while my wife was

[00:34:41] Trying to roll over from one side of the couch to the other side, you know

[00:34:44] I'm like just like they had a hard time moving around. I mean they're carrying a child, you know

[00:34:50] And and they can't do that and then and yeah, so like yeah now you did something good for yourself

[00:34:55] But you're also feeling shit. Yeah, because you did that right?

[00:35:00] It's absolutely brutal. Yeah pregnancy sucks. Yeah

[00:35:07] And then the worst the worst thing was we were actually driving on

[00:35:12] well for listeners outside Winnipeg they won't know but on St. Anne's just by Firmore and

[00:35:18] My wife saw McDonald's like go get I need I need a McFlurry. I'm like, okay, it's red light go

[00:35:25] She's literally yelling at me to run a red light

[00:35:28] Doesn't know what the fuck's going on

[00:35:34] It was it wasn't funny at the moment but now we yeah sure which is so yeah like these emotions that you're you're

[00:35:42] Working with right they're working with and you're trying to understand what the fuck's going on while you're dealing with your own emotional

[00:35:50] Yeah

[00:35:51] stability yeah, absolutely

[00:35:54] brutal yeah, but I think it's a very short time that we have to

[00:36:01] Put in as parents

[00:36:04] Because once that little human is born and I mean

[00:36:10] I

[00:36:11] Didn't think I can love anything

[00:36:14] Oh, for sure than that and I'm not you. I'm sure you love autumn just as much as I love my kids

[00:36:21] 100% yeah, but that that moment of like holy shit. It's here

[00:36:26] When was that moment for you? When was it? Yeah

[00:36:29] Like the holy shit she's here or like like when was like oh fuck. I'm a fucking dad

[00:36:35] She came out

[00:36:37] Like is that when that moment happened? I think so like I mean I think men and women talk about like oh, I love this baby

[00:36:44] So much you know and like oh yeah for sure you do you love it and like especially like what you guys went through the first time

[00:36:50] Like you had that love already. Yeah, yeah, like I think once you see that child and you hold it like I think that's what you really like

[00:36:58] kicks in that's the unconditional love part

[00:37:02] at least what I experienced was like

[00:37:04] Being born didn't matter what she looked like if she had 10 fingers or 12 or what? It was just like holy fuck. She's here

[00:37:12] Thanks to God's yeah, she's healthy. She's breathing. I love her don't care

[00:37:17] Yeah, no my daughter came out as a conan like she had to yeah

[00:37:22] So like you literally had if you look like an alien

[00:37:25] But I'm like the most beautiful thing now it now I look at the picture. Oh my god

[00:37:30] Yeah, and I even like show it to her

[00:37:35] Oh

[00:37:37] You know I my wife makes fun of this

[00:37:40] Every every time we bring it up like on the way. I think the second or third day we're driving home

[00:37:45] I was driving on Marion like doing maybe 30 clicks and people are driving

[00:37:54] I guess just nothing else matters

[00:37:57] No, nothing. Yeah, you just like wanted to protect that little thing from everything

[00:38:02] So I want to take a short break and then I want to talk about

[00:38:05] How you balance and I want to talk to both of you about this because you guys know better than I do

[00:38:11] I want or maybe I don't know but I want to talk about how you balance that feeling towards your child

[00:38:17] to

[00:38:18] Continue to maintain and grow those loving unconditional loving feelings you have towards your partner

[00:38:25] During what probably is I'm gonna some difficult. Yeah, I'm just gonna quickly use a

[00:38:32] reference to quick answer and I will

[00:38:36] Get into details, but I'm gonna use Ryan Reynolds's I think it was Ryan Reynolds

[00:38:40] His references like I will use my wife as a shield to protect my kids

[00:38:49] Hey Tommy among all the episodes we've recorded, you know, there's one common theme

[00:38:55] And that's getting therapy

[00:38:57] We've talked about it lots many many times. You had a really tough time making that first phone call

[00:39:02] I had a tough time making that first phone call

[00:39:05] I didn't even know if the person I was gonna see was the right person, but you got to just try

[00:39:11] Thank goodness we have a sponsor that makes it way easier now

[00:39:15] Better help has an online platform that allows you to fill out a questionnaire

[00:39:19] They connect you with a therapist and you get to communicate with them. However you want so whether that's text messaging

[00:39:26] That's emails. That's through their app. That's video chats

[00:39:29] You get all those options and it makes it way less scary to be connected with someone

[00:39:34] And if you're not into the person you talk to they'll sign you another one right away

[00:39:39] I've gotten assigned mine already and I can't wait to hear it like by the time you hear this

[00:39:44] I will have had my first session and I'm super pumped to talk about it on the show

[00:39:48] Yeah, I'm very excited about it and like it's very easy to sign up. It took us maybe five minutes to sign up and

[00:39:55] You answer just simple questions and

[00:39:58] Next thing you know you got a message that

[00:40:00] There you'll be paired up with a therapist and within the same day

[00:40:04] We got the therapist already and the name and a message from them and we were able to communicate with them

[00:40:09] So it's extremely easy. So please go to

[00:40:13] Better help

[00:40:16] Com slash quiet riot show and you get to also

[00:40:21] Enjoy a 10% offer your first month if you sign up using this link. So again right here

[00:40:28] I'm gonna be doing from here. Yeah, it's better help am I screwing it out

[00:40:33] slash quiet riot show

[00:40:36] Yeah, sign up today and

[00:40:38] You'll you're not gonna regret it because I'm already enjoying it

[00:40:42] So just the fact that we connected with therapist me too man. Thank you to better help for supporting this podcast

[00:40:48] Okay, so I think there's like two things I'd like to cover yet before we

[00:40:54] Call it a night. Yeah, let's do it

[00:40:56] one was right before the break so

[00:41:00] Your kids are born

[00:41:02] Both of you this is to both of you your kids are born you now have obviously a whole new

[00:41:08] purpose in life. Oh, yeah for sure and

[00:41:12] You also have a partner who has the same purpose in life. Yeah, yeah

[00:41:17] Does that align

[00:41:19] How do how do you keep connected? How do you?

[00:41:23] How am I what am I trying to say if the purpose is this being that you've both now created together

[00:41:31] And that is the priority. Yep. How do you?

[00:41:35] Manage each other as a priority because up until that point

[00:41:39] Your priority is your partner. Yep. Yeah, like that's the that's the mission is the mission is that's the two of you

[00:41:45] and you love each other and you work at your relationship with each other and I

[00:41:51] Would imagine adding a third party to that and I've had that same experience

[00:41:55] delayed by a number of years but like

[00:41:58] How do you keep dedicated and working on that when there's this other thing that like just inevitably

[00:42:05] Requires more attention and care

[00:42:08] Than the other person because the other person's an adult. Yep. Yeah, how do you how do you guys?

[00:42:15] What are you doing with that now your Tommy?

[00:42:18] my Tommy

[00:42:25] Yeah, you call me Irish or something. Yeah

[00:42:28] How do you like you've you're a little further down that road

[00:42:32] How have you managed that and then new Tommy? How do you manage that?

[00:42:36] Why don't you why don't you go ahead because like I think I can speak on yeah, that's good longer and like you're still

[00:42:43] Within a year a year in a few days, right for sure. Yeah, and they can't be easy like that

[00:42:48] Like I would I would assume that's very difficult. I'm gonna let you go ahead and talk though if you wish to do so

[00:42:55] Oh, yeah

[00:42:58] Probably other Tommy has better answers than I do and more experiences

[00:43:02] And

[00:43:04] Over the years, but yeah, we're working on it for sure and yeah, no Tim you said it, you know perfectly

[00:43:10] It's like we went from taking care of each other and our needs if that's you know physical or

[00:43:18] You know emotional or whatever it is to now less physical, right?

[00:43:24] Less time for emotions and then last time for yourself. So it's it's tricky especially because a

[00:43:31] lot of those things that we did before the kid

[00:43:35] We can't really do or not we can't do them as frequent

[00:43:41] So so yeah, it's it's definitely a battle and it's a struggle

[00:43:46] It takes a lot of patience

[00:43:48] Right again putting yourself last. Yeah most situations

[00:43:54] But I think

[00:43:57] It's it's all about just communication and being able to open up, right?

[00:44:03] And again like as a logical thinker and person and stuff like that

[00:44:06] I find it hard to be like, okay. Well, I could put in a couple hours of work here

[00:44:14] Because I want to and I love it yeah, or I could put that aside and ask my partner

[00:44:20] Like that check in question

[00:44:22] Just for the record of my wife's listening I suck

[00:44:28] If there's a couple hours to put into work

[00:44:33] But but that okay, so to me that's like the the provider in me like that's my role

[00:44:39] That's my job. It's like no if if I can put in if there's a two-hour window and I can put work in

[00:44:46] Like that's what makes me money which allows me to

[00:44:50] Create security for my family, okay, and that's the pressure like and maybe that's bullshit

[00:44:55] And I just put it on myself or maybe that's an excuse or whatever that is but like that's the way

[00:44:59] That is how I feel your family

[00:45:02] It doesn't always work, but like that's how I feel right right and I think everyone's situation is different

[00:45:08] Right like sure. Maybe that works for you. Maybe my thing works for me

[00:45:12] I don't know but it doesn't work always trust me like my thing is not working great all the time

[00:45:18] It's not magical

[00:45:20] I don't think it's it's supposed to work all the time right sometimes it will work sometimes it won't it depends on yeah

[00:45:26] There's so many other other factors that come into the play to play right? Yeah, well like for example

[00:45:33] You know, let's say tomorrow. We got some crazy order. Yeah, like biggest order

[00:45:37] We've ever thought of we're out of stock. Yeah, we're fucking high-fiving and celebrating. Yeah

[00:45:44] That makes you feel good. Yeah, right like I did a great job

[00:45:48] My purpose, you know was fulfilled. I can now go home happy

[00:45:52] You know maybe hung over but you're like probably I did it like we are you know, yeah

[00:45:59] Yeah, we had it it was successful and now as a

[00:46:04] Man a provider and a role model to your child

[00:46:09] They look up to that. I mean why is dad so happy? Yeah. Well dad just killed it at work

[00:46:15] Yeah, right it's not always about money

[00:46:17] Especially in the industry that we're in right because it's like it's you don't make a million dollars overnight in the cannabis industry

[00:46:24] Or are mostly in most industries, right?

[00:46:28] But we do it sure to pay the bills and put food in the table

[00:46:32] but also because it it makes us feel good about ourselves and also provides

[00:46:39] Good influence on our family and our kids

[00:46:42] You know if we didn't work

[00:46:44] Then we you know just slummed around the house all day and then your kid grows up and sees that they're gonna want to

[00:46:50] They want to do the same thing. That's the example you're setting. Yeah, it's standard

[00:46:54] You're so now I want to touch on that with you in a little bit

[00:46:57] But let's just want to comment on that one like I just want to make sure that like

[00:47:04] Now there's there's also I know actually bunch of dads that are stay home stay home dad

[00:47:10] Yeah, and that's a new thing

[00:47:17] It blows my I couldn't do it

[00:47:19] Fucking way I can do yeah, but like there's because obviously

[00:47:23] You know the let's call it the what do you the bread bread winner bread winner? Yeah, there you go

[00:47:30] is is the female from the

[00:47:33] family and

[00:47:34] She makes enough money for him to stay home and be the dad now again

[00:47:39] I couldn't do it like I can't I can entertain my my my kids with farts and jokes

[00:47:45] Yeah, yeah outside and do something you know like I couldn't do like the whole

[00:47:51] Let's color to now and then next hour do a different. Yeah, that's not me right

[00:47:57] Kudos to those dads like that back in it for sure do it right? Yeah some of them were built for it

[00:48:02] Absolutely, yeah some of them are absolutely built great for I'm not one of them

[00:48:07] So yeah, so for me

[00:48:11] Honestly like as first time when we had our daughter

[00:48:19] Our first kid it was

[00:48:21] New but like I know we were we were both ready for it

[00:48:25] We wanted it for we are actually trying for I think eight or nine months

[00:48:30] We had a hard time getting pregnant and we've you know, then it happened everything was good

[00:48:38] Growing up in Europe

[00:48:40] Like I was I was

[00:48:42] Being I was raised by my grandparents. Basically. Yep, cuz mom and dad worked, you know summertime

[00:48:47] I was at my grandparents the whole time there was no daycare. My parents couldn't afford it

[00:48:51] Yeah, and even like during the year that there was the let's call it preschool type

[00:48:57] I was always there because my parents worked right they had to work

[00:49:01] I don't remember when my mom was in

[00:49:04] Matleaf, but I know Matleaf in Salak is three years. Okay, and

[00:49:10] Which is I I agree with that

[00:49:12] I think that should be almost everywhere because like we talked I mentioned that you know at one that

[00:49:17] Becomes more fun. Yep. I think it's the polar opposite of what we do here. Yeah

[00:49:21] Oh, yeah, well the states is even worse, right? It's like six months or not even if that

[00:49:25] It's crazy

[00:49:27] But so I was raised by my grandparents so that the culture is in me and in my wife as well

[00:49:32] So my in-laws living here, they were like ecstatic

[00:49:36] They're like we like we have to shoot them away, right? Okay. Give us a little fucking break

[00:49:42] We want to be parents of our own we don't need you because my mother-in-law wanted to like let me do laundry for you guys

[00:49:47] Oh, that's so I was I have to give them like kudos for helping us out

[00:49:53] Even though it was overwhelming sometimes

[00:49:57] Because we had that support

[00:49:59] We actually had a relationship and that was absolutely amazing. We as I mentioned in our previous conversations off the mics that

[00:50:07] I think my kids were two months

[00:50:10] Yeah, let's take him to grandma for one night for sleepover. Cool. Let's see how yep the baby handles it

[00:50:15] Let's see how my in-laws handle it, right?

[00:50:18] It was good right off the bat we did it with second kid the challenges that we ran into as couples is actually at older age when

[00:50:29] You know in laws, they don't listen to you

[00:50:32] They do their own thing. Yeah, and so we wanted to raise our child in a certain way

[00:50:38] So like we want this rule or that rule

[00:50:41] This is how we should be doing and as soon as we drop the kids off like

[00:50:46] They're in laws are just like all of the we're doing it. Are we right?

[00:50:49] Yeah, so at first it was and because it's my in-laws my way of this thing going on they

[00:50:56] Like we had fights over this with my wife because I was like well

[00:50:59] I don't want them to do that you need to talk to them and

[00:51:03] My wife didn't want to hurt their feelings so that he created tension between us, right?

[00:51:07] So we had a lot of that with the second child or even later on I think with my daughter

[00:51:12] We kind of realized like okay, I know they're doing there like we had a very specific bedtime like my kids went to bed at

[00:51:19] Super early like 6 37 p.m. You know and then we had our evening together

[00:51:23] So we could watch show get some cleaning done, you know get intimate

[00:51:28] Just do have a fire outside had the monitor. We were just doing fun things after that

[00:51:33] So we still have two three hours to ourselves. So it was really nice when today in laws

[00:51:39] All they were staying up till 9 9 30

[00:51:41] What they're gonna come home and they're gonna it's good schedules gonna be ruined

[00:51:45] But in that day the kids kind of I guess learned that Ed grandma's and grandpa's this is the rule

[00:51:51] Yeah, at home. This is so once I realized that and it took me quite a few years to realize I

[00:51:58] Was okay with it. I was like, you know what? It's fine. It's not worth fighting over it

[00:52:02] Yeah, why because there's no point it's working. Well, they're helping they're helping raise them

[00:52:07] Yeah, and I think there's value with there's huge value and like I had lots of I had some challenges in my life when

[00:52:14] My daughter started preschool and it was only it was every day

[00:52:18] But only for two hours in the morning. I was working nights

[00:52:21] So I would go to work for 11 o'clock work till 7 a.m. I would be home around 745

[00:52:28] And I had to drop my daughter off at 9 so I'm like

[00:52:32] Here I am like super tired. Okay

[00:52:34] Gotta stay up for an hour now, you know cuz I once a sleep. I'm out like I told you guys I slept through five

[00:52:41] and

[00:52:42] So I had to drop her off come home sleep for two hours set like million alarms and then luckily my coworker

[00:52:50] My co-workers kid went to the same preschool. So there's times where he would call me like hey, dude

[00:52:55] We're here to pick up our kids. I'm like shit

[00:52:58] I'll be right there, you know, he's like no worries. We were on the same shift. So he understood. Yeah, I'd call him once in a while

[00:53:04] He would call me

[00:53:06] So that was super challenging because I was exhausted

[00:53:09] I had these our couple hours sleep here and then I had to take her to daycare

[00:53:14] It was just brutal

[00:53:16] And that also created distance between me and the wife

[00:53:20] because

[00:53:22] Again, like I'm barely

[00:53:24] Catching up on any sleep and I think that's why I really learned to like sleep on or go

[00:53:29] Function on like four five hours of sleep because then you know, you come home and you tell me smile. Yeah

[00:53:38] It doesn't get better

[00:53:42] The one thing I can tell you is that I

[00:53:47] Like no matter what you're gonna do to make

[00:53:52] You're self-happy

[00:53:54] That will come last in and for the next ever

[00:53:58] Yeah, I mean for sure. Yeah, it doesn't matter because the kid comes first and then obviously you want to make sure your partner's good

[00:54:06] Yep, and sometimes you have to be selfish. Yeah, because

[00:54:11] At least in my my case like again, I have to be able to function

[00:54:16] Yeah, so I need to do something for myself. Oh, you have to and that is very important. I think for every every dad

[00:54:22] to

[00:54:23] To know to do something for yourself. It doesn't have to be every night, right?

[00:54:27] It doesn't have to be every week, but every once in a while

[00:54:31] We need to do things for ourselves and I

[00:54:34] Had a really good conversation with my wife about it and we also had very nasty conversations about it

[00:54:42] Because you know my moods mood swings are different just like hers and sometimes I wanted to say something

[00:54:49] She wasn't in the mood, but I had said it anyway. Yeah, so she took it the wrong way or vice versa, right?

[00:54:57] But yeah keeping keeping that

[00:55:01] Intimate life is very important. Yeah, and especially early stages and kind of continue to do that

[00:55:08] Yeah, because that gap will just grow. It'll be always bigger and bigger. Yeah for sure and and

[00:55:16] Unfortunately like it almost cost me my marriage and we had to do marriage counseling and we've learned to

[00:55:24] Force to say I love you. Yep for

[00:55:28] few months yeah and

[00:55:31] Is it because of the kids? Maybe sure. Well, I think it's part of the equation

[00:55:36] Yeah, it was because of how I was feeling how she was feeling because we had to take care of the kids and like part of me

[00:55:42] Still thinks I'm like man my kids have so many activities like this neat vision is to stop

[00:55:48] You know like yeah, but then on the other hand

[00:55:51] The other like I we talked about the angel and the devil on the shoulder, you know

[00:55:56] Devil's telling me fuck those kids like you know

[00:55:58] They don't need all those activities and then the other part of me is like well

[00:56:02] My parents couldn't give me all right, so I want to give my kids as much as they want yeah, because why not right?

[00:56:08] So that's actually I mean I could

[00:56:11] We can talk for hours. Yeah like no, I'm glad we got there cuz

[00:56:16] Tommy talking to you and like I'm no expert father and none of us are but like I

[00:56:22] Know you a little bit beyond this show and like you actually had nobody

[00:56:28] That you've told me about so far that has set actually a really great example of parenthood for you

[00:56:35] But you seem to like not sorry not to say nobody but your you've had struggles with your parents

[00:56:41] Yeah, and she's had struggles with her parents and so

[00:56:45] And you mentioned that at the top of the show as well as I know that from talking before but like

[00:56:50] You seem to have

[00:56:53] This inherent sense of how to be a good parent

[00:56:57] Despite not having someone do that for you. Yeah, is that fair to say? Oh, yeah for sure

[00:57:03] What how did you like are you born? Are we born with this sense of this or is it like I don't want to be what that was

[00:57:11] Yeah, do you touch on that?

[00:57:13] I mean, I think it's a combination of both for sure. It's like

[00:57:19] You know

[00:57:21] Even Tommy touched on a little bit too with the whole devil and the angels you know on your shoulder situation because

[00:57:28] Yeah, like there's definitely times just like do we really need to buy or this?

[00:57:33] You know, but then you think about it

[00:57:35] It's like how many times as a kid you're like I need some pants

[00:57:39] Or like I need this toy because of whatever and and your parents don't get it for you

[00:57:45] And you're like well

[00:57:46] I don't want to be like them and I want to provide my with you know

[00:57:50] My child or my family with the things that I didn't get not just physically even emotionally as well

[00:57:55] And yeah and a lot stuff. So so that's definitely a motivator to

[00:58:01] To just give my my my child and my family, you know the support and a lot of that that I didn't get

[00:58:09] But it's also double-edged sword as well because

[00:58:12] You know, you don't want to spoil your kid

[00:58:15] being

[00:58:17] I

[00:58:23] Super tough and to balance it all but you know she I guard ours one years old

[00:58:27] So we're not really thinking about that too much at the moment

[00:58:30] But but your upbringing will have such a huge impact on

[00:58:33] 100 who you become as a father. Yeah for sure and like you didn't you've said this to me like you in different words

[00:58:40] Yes, I'm paraphrasing but like essentially nobody gave you the tools to do this

[00:58:46] Absolutely not and so like you like you've got your own child. I have to correct you on that one because I

[00:58:52] Don't know the backstory

[00:58:54] But the tool was given. Yeah, and you know not to use that tool, you know what I mean? Yeah, okay

[00:59:00] You know what I mean? So it's like something was presented to you in your past. Yeah, you're right

[00:59:05] And you're like, okay. I know that that doesn't work. So I'm gonna do something different. Yeah sure

[00:59:10] It's it's learning through experience. Yeah, and your experience from my understanding wasn't positive. No, no for sure. Yeah, no is

[00:59:23] You know we live in a world where privilege is

[00:59:28] Everywhere you see right? It's everyone's privileged. I'm privileged even though I didn't have you know

[00:59:33] This the same upbringing as most and a lot stuff, but you know, it's

[00:59:38] You just got to be

[00:59:40] Optimistic about it all especially in the sense where yeah, you could think of it like that where it's like I didn't have these things

[00:59:46] so I need to create them myself and then

[00:59:50] essentially educate my child and children on on the value of those things and

[00:59:57] the positive

[00:59:59] Optimistic view on it is

[01:00:02] Because I learned all those lessons and yeah, they were tough

[01:00:06] Really tough and cost me a lot of money and time. Yeah, and

[01:00:12] And a lot stuff it's gonna give my child a little bit of the upper hand on that side of things because

[01:00:20] She'll be able to learn from me. Yeah that hey

[01:00:23] We are privileged. Yeah in this in this country and in this, you know, not maybe not the world

[01:00:29] But where we live right now, so take advantage of it

[01:00:32] Use it for something good for sure, but don't but you know be conscious about it and and don't be don't be an ass

[01:00:39] Right, I think that's yeah, just don't be an asshole

[01:00:44] Just be nice and help people. Yeah, I'd be genuine, but

[01:00:48] Yeah, man. I mean that itself is another

[01:00:53] layer of this struggle and the

[01:00:57] You know the relationship side of things and and all that because

[01:01:02] there's

[01:01:03] One, you know taking care of myself with its hobbies or having a social life or

[01:01:08] Or doing what I love to do but at the same time

[01:01:13] You know whatever your past is

[01:01:17] It amplifies

[01:01:19] That those traumatic experiences when that child is born

[01:01:24] Times 10 all that shit being a man growing up

[01:01:28] I'm not gonna deal with that. Yeah, I don't need to go to therapy

[01:01:32] You know or like, you know fucking my parents sucked like fuck them. I'm gonna be a punk

[01:01:38] I'm gonna stretch my ears. I'm gonna fucking you do all this shit

[01:01:43] My parents are great. I was really the worst kind of asshole

[01:01:50] Yeah, you

[01:01:52] That all comes back yeah times 10. Yeah, sure. Oh, yeah

[01:01:57] Well, I I see the way

[01:02:00] that you guys

[01:02:02] Approach how you talk about your families and your wives and your partners your children everything and like it's inspiring

[01:02:08] Sorry, can you repeat that?

[01:02:14] But like I really see that like there's this and Tommy you said it earlier like there is an unconditional love

[01:02:19] Yeah, this person like you your daughter's a year old

[01:02:23] Yeah, and you have this relationship that like is with you for life

[01:02:27] Oh, yeah, I can't imagine like both of you just hearing the way we talk about it

[01:02:31] And the way I feel about my daughter like I can't imagine a life without those people

[01:02:36] Yep

[01:02:37] So I can't I know you might be thinking of wrapping up working towards it

[01:02:42] But I actually really wanted to touch on like how you were as a

[01:02:47] jumping into this sure the parenthood because

[01:02:50] You didn't know this person for eight years and then you've become a role model for somebody now

[01:02:57] Like you love your daughter and she loves you as a dad as a dad like you're her dad

[01:03:04] Yeah, she's your daughter and we've talked about this and I've seen your relationship with her. It's absolutely amazing

[01:03:11] But there is that that you know as a let's call it a stepdad sure

[01:03:16] Yeah, it's different there's always there's always and I know like her dad is not in the picture

[01:03:21] So yeah, I think it's it would be harder if he was oh man

[01:03:24] I've been given such a gift that so I don't have to compete with yeah, what was your

[01:03:32] Just intake on all of this to what you went through anywhere

[01:03:38] You didn't want I don't think you wanted to have

[01:03:41] To be completely honest, I didn't want

[01:03:45] Person that you love unconditionally. Yeah, I hit the jackpot. Yeah, what happened? Yeah, I didn't want babies

[01:03:51] Yeah, the first thing autumn and I ever did together

[01:03:55] The first time I met her was play chess cool

[01:03:58] She cheated but we played well, yeah, they do they do sorry I let her cheat. Yeah, cuz we play chess

[01:04:05] But like I had a different experience so I never really wanted babies. Yeah, it wasn't a priority of mine

[01:04:12] Just babies not kids. No, I wanted a family. Okay. I wanted a family so bad

[01:04:16] I just didn't want a baby. Yeah the the whole diaper poop bar thing is just

[01:04:24] I didn't have to yeah, so

[01:04:27] and

[01:04:28] I think for me she needed a dad like she really did because her birth father is just not anything other than that

[01:04:37] He's a sperm donor. Yeah

[01:04:40] Who put her and my wife through a really awful number of years and we don't have to get into that

[01:04:45] That's not my story to tell but like

[01:04:48] They both needed a good man and a good dad and a good husband and like I was looking settled for you

[01:04:58] They got a six out of ten

[01:05:00] No, but they needed me and I needed them like I wanted a family so bad like I'm I'm built to have a family

[01:05:07] Yeah, and I'm my my parents are amazing like I have so much love and

[01:05:14] Appreciate my mom and dad and both your brothers have families, right?

[01:05:17] Yeah, both my brothers have families and they have kids and all that stuff

[01:05:20] And so like I was kind of really late to the party. Yeah, but I jumped in with an eight-year-old

[01:05:25] But

[01:05:28] But I just it was it was something I'd always wanted and

[01:05:32] It was just such a gift for me to get them and for them to get me

[01:05:37] Yeah, we really all we just all have so much and it's been so easy and like

[01:05:43] Divine timing

[01:05:45] Whatever you want to call it the universe. Yeah, the gods whatever the fuck it is like really all made that work

[01:05:51] And we talked every shitty thing has a good outcome. Yeah, and I there's a reason why it happens

[01:05:58] Yeah, because I had the shittiest thing happen to me that created the best thing that's ever happened in my life

[01:06:04] I'm like, it's just it's the biggest win. I love wins. Yeah, I'm a sales. Yep type person

[01:06:10] You understand that? Yep, and this is the biggest win I've ever had in my entire life

[01:06:15] I'm like autumn is really as far as having a

[01:06:19] stepdaughter in quotations

[01:06:23] She just has really embraced me so well and she loves me so much

[01:06:28] And like I love her so much and like that relationship for her and I was just so easy

[01:06:33] But I think it's because both of us were we wanted that we're hungry for that

[01:06:38] Like I missed it in my life and she missed it in her life

[01:06:41] And like we were just both wanted that so bad and then met each other and it was just like oh

[01:06:47] This is so easy. Yeah, and it's not fucking easy all the time

[01:06:50] But like oh it's not it's not meant to be that relationship and create that like was it happens so naturally

[01:06:56] Well, I think it helped to you that before you and your wife you guys

[01:07:02] Have the same or are you?

[01:07:05] You have the same values, but we do we have the same foundation like our core values. That's right are

[01:07:11] Very very similar. That's the most important parenting parenting like

[01:07:15] It's not too often we disagree on something in regards to how to raise up

[01:07:20] Yeah, so like that makes it easier and it just which is funny and we do and like we but we always back each other up

[01:07:28] That's a big thing. Yep in front of her

[01:07:31] Always back that was that's a key ever ever not back your partner up in front of your child

[01:07:35] I mean even if you dis even if you think it's so wrong

[01:07:39] You just have to do it and deal with it later

[01:07:41] Yeah, I've done it where I threw my wife under the bus though because it's like see mom didn't want to get you guys ice cream

[01:07:47] But yeah, oh well those those are funny

[01:07:50] Those are funny moments, but like important

[01:07:53] Important stuff like just what I've learned is like just no matter what suck it up and don't we'll talk about it

[01:08:00] Behind closed will just show that there's not unity. Yeah

[01:08:04] In your parents key and I was older so she's 12 now

[01:08:08] Yeah, and so like now if more more than ever it's important to show that now

[01:08:13] I'll quote someone people may like or not like but Dr. Jordan Peterson

[01:08:18] Fight in front of your kids. It's okay to fight in front of your kids because they get to see the that you made up after

[01:08:24] Yeah, yeah, that's an important thing like my daughter probably had experiences in her life where a fight

[01:08:31] Led to nothing good and it never got better

[01:08:34] Right and so like for her to see me and Rach getting arguments and we don't very often at all

[01:08:40] But like we're not afraid to have her here or see that because she also sees this makeup

[01:08:45] Yeah, love each other and be affectionate and like that's an important exercise

[01:08:50] Oh, yeah, I saw my parents fight. Yep, and then I saw them make up and like those are good things

[01:08:55] See, I'm actually very happy brought that up because my parents fought quite a bit and

[01:09:03] Their fights were I

[01:09:06] Just remembered the bad part. I don't like my parents weren't very affectionate towards each other

[01:09:12] It wasn't like who I love you and a generational thing. Yeah

[01:09:17] and I

[01:09:19] Had some bad anger issues

[01:09:22] Hmm to the point where I punched walls and

[01:09:26] Very recently too. I would not months, but like I would say two three years ago

[01:09:31] I still battle that that those those demons and

[01:09:37] Me and my wife had some nasty fights and I think it created some trauma for my daughter

[01:09:46] My son is different case like he's just like oh, okay, whatever

[01:09:52] You didn't get to meet Jacob today

[01:09:58] But I think my daughter had

[01:10:01] Some trauma from it because I know when we started fighting she would like just start crying and she would run away and

[01:10:10] those moments kind of

[01:10:13] Help me realize like oh shit. Okay, like this is not right so

[01:10:17] We try to every time we because we got into a fight everyone gets into a fight, right? Of course excuse me and

[01:10:24] We had to show her that

[01:10:26] Or actually reassure her that it's okay. Like we're disagreeing. Yeah, he might be louder

[01:10:34] We're not whenever through things, you know like yeah, but it might have gotten loud and it's okay

[01:10:39] We're disagreeing. We're passionate about each other's opinion

[01:10:42] But we love each other. Yeah, and it will be okay and me and my wife we told each other like we no matter how

[01:10:50] Shit, we feel about each other's

[01:10:53] Opinions or feelings. We're not going to bed without saying I love you. I'm sorry

[01:10:58] They could be the last night then you can fight and it's respectful. Yeah, like you can fight and still maintain respect

[01:11:05] Oh, yeah for sure. Yeah, yeah disagreeing on certain things. Yeah, it should happen

[01:11:10] It's part of it. I had this conversation with my dad the other day

[01:11:12] Actually, it's weird it's coming up again

[01:11:13] but like just about arguments and yeah and respect and like love and it's like oh those things like overpower

[01:11:21] Whatever disagreement you're having like you love that person

[01:11:24] Yeah, like we all have a child with these women like we will obviously love them. Yep, and so

[01:11:30] Can yep

[01:11:32] Can anything be worked through well?

[01:11:34] I think for the most part most things and and sometimes you have to give in and sometimes she has to give in right like

[01:11:43] Logical thinker man

[01:11:47] I have a hard time giving in out of an emotional

[01:11:50] Decision or feeling because I'm like well that doesn't even make sense

[01:11:54] Yeah, oh, yeah. Yeah, I have the hardest time with that and I'm learning to just like this isn't worth it

[01:12:01] Oh, yeah, like do I really is this the fucking hill I want to die on like well

[01:12:06] It's tough and I think especially being a newer parent and it doesn't matter if you know like three years old or

[01:12:13] Yeah, you still learn how to deal with this patience side of things and I remember one of my bosses made a really good point and it's

[01:12:21] You know you have an angry customer. You send you an email or calls you wait 24 hours before you reply

[01:12:27] Yeah, if you're feeling irrational or emotional

[01:12:30] Yeah, and like my partner the other things like a week ago

[01:12:34] She's going to Florida for a week in June for work and she's like oh we should you take advantage of this and bring her daughter to

[01:12:41] Disneyland

[01:12:42] She's one

[01:12:46] What is it's gonna cost your partner wants to go to Disneyland that's the key

[01:12:51] She's using your kid as an excuse

[01:12:53] Five grand and she's not gonna remember. She's not gonna remember anything

[01:12:58] But you know that was a lesson because it's like okay, there's something else

[01:13:03] Here it's it's not like she's not interested in Disney. I'm interested in okay, okay, but it's it's there's layers

[01:13:11] of these things and if we're not patient and

[01:13:15] We don't think logically or or you know emotionally or whatever the case is sometimes we miss those little things

[01:13:21] And that was me like I didn't think of it that way my first reaction was

[01:13:27] How much is gonna cost? Yeah, is this worth my time? How much days at the takeoff work?

[01:13:31] Yeah, is my daughter gonna give a shit. Yeah, she doesn't even know what it is

[01:13:34] Yeah, that's how my brain works. Yeah, and I have to like I've I

[01:13:38] Constantly have to check myself. Yeah to be like is

[01:13:43] Also in logic. Is this the right approach to create a positive outcome race? Yeah

[01:13:48] It just comes unfortunately too far down

[01:13:51] Moving it up. It's really the first question I have to myself should be like

[01:13:56] Is it logical for me to take on an argument over this situation? Oh, yeah, no

[01:14:01] Okay, then just shut the fuck up and just like maybe just go along with it or whatever

[01:14:06] Don't be so fucking hard-nosed about it. Yeah doesn't matter your points lost

[01:14:11] Yeah to make a point to yourself is dumb. Yep. Maybe I shouldn't bother. Yep, and this is probably maybe my

[01:14:18] 95 job guy talking but like I'm the other way around I'm like, oh, yeah, let's do it

[01:14:23] Do you have enough time or who cares? We'll figure it out. You know

[01:14:30] Different order

[01:14:32] But but I get like this is also I think

[01:14:34] Both me and my wife will love traveling like we're all about like experiences like let's just go like

[01:14:41] We haven't done that in a long time

[01:14:42] We just a couple weeks ago went to Sioux Falls and as a family for a weekend Friday to Sunday

[01:14:47] It was so good and we had so much fun and that just gave us such a morale boost as a family or as partners like it was great

[01:14:56] But yeah, like I mean, you know, I'm going to Europe now and taking my son for

[01:15:03] for IHF hockey championship and I took my daughter five years ago and

[01:15:08] Clearly I'm using my kids as like the loaded bullet, you know because I'm like you can go. Yeah

[01:15:15] I want to go. Yeah, I went in 2011 by myself in 2019 with my daughter. I'm like well now I got to take my son

[01:15:21] So but again, it's also I'm taking them at age of nine

[01:15:26] So they're gonna remember my daughter still remember his memories. Yeah, so so we as a family

[01:15:32] We love these these trips because we want to

[01:15:36] Experience it together as a family and yes, I always thought of it too like yeah

[01:15:41] Two three-year-old is not gonna remember now. They remember seeing pictures and all that stuff

[01:15:47] So they do develop these memories through photos, right?

[01:15:51] So there's always always that as well for sure

[01:15:55] Him and I disagree on what you should do about yeah

[01:16:00] I think I think I think I agree with you guys

[01:16:03] That I still don't think it's it makes sense to go at this age because yes later on in life

[01:16:09] They will remember nice. Yeah, also business right off trips or yeah exactly

[01:16:14] Well Tommy thanks so much for being here. I really appreciate it

[01:16:18] I think most of our guests we have one conversation. It just never feels like enough

[01:16:23] And so if you're willing we'd love to have you back sometimes

[01:16:27] Your life's gonna change

[01:16:29] Constantly totally and I hope that's good change and it's exciting and

[01:16:33] Thank you for being here and sharing and being a part of that

[01:16:35] I mean as men we all have to do that and like the more we do it and the more people are willing to sit in your

[01:16:40] Spot and talk honestly like we all win. Yeah, and so thank you for being oh, I first thank you

[01:16:46] You're getting one of our mug. Oh, nice and please feel free to

[01:16:51] Fill it with whatever

[01:16:55] It's coffee in the morning or whiskey at night or rum whatever beer doesn't matter

[01:17:00] Please enjoy it feel free to take a photo a selfie and post it on social media

[01:17:06] Just one thing I want to tell you man like

[01:17:10] Every day is a new challenge. Yeah, like you'll and even for me like, you know

[01:17:15] My daughter's now almost 15 and this is a whole new world that I'm experiencing like

[01:17:21] Enjoy every moment. I know it's gonna be tough sometimes and

[01:17:26] You know feel free to reach out to to me anytime at like

[01:17:31] I know we were connecting on social media, but I'll give you my phone number and I

[01:17:37] Know how it is man. Yeah, it sucks being a parent because sometimes you don't know what the fuck's going on with the kids and

[01:17:43] What to do but all I can offer you is a you know a

[01:17:48] Seat at the table and let's talk it over and

[01:17:52] And you know what the one thing one more suggestion

[01:17:57] Whether you want to

[01:18:00] Enroll your daughter in daycare or not, that's fine, but find the time to get a sitter and

[01:18:07] Get that time for yourselves. Just you whether you go out to dinner

[01:18:12] Have a picnic or sit at home watch a show

[01:18:15] But just like take that time and really

[01:18:19] Spend it together with your partner because that's important. Yeah

[01:18:23] My daughter is a she's almost 15

[01:18:26] You know, I'll even offer her service baby sitting services for

[01:18:39] Make sure you find a time for yourself. Thank you again for coming for all the listeners. Thank you for listening

[01:18:46] Hope you enjoyed this very different episode. We haven't had any any

[01:18:51] We haven't had much fatherhood talk

[01:18:54] Our dads but I really enjoyed this

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